96-year old dad refusing care home or at-home overnight care

Candy is 100% correct. Elderly people dont hold all the cards, get it their own way all of the time. The amount of people who are being bullied and cajoiled into doing it their way or the highway is getting worse and worse.

I found I HAD to make boundaries and literally close down the same old conversations. It ended up being a bit of a joke between my Mum and myself. Everytime she brought up the same thing or threw task after task at me often as I was walking out the door I said 'enough - I know what you are like Mum - it can wait until next time...

Its truly horrible when elderly parents behave like their wants and needs are the priority whilst at the same time saying that they dont want to be a burden

He isn't really living independently is he? He is in his own home but relies on other people to make his meals and to provide care. This is a paid carer coming twice a week to make his lunch and his two daughters, primarily OP's mum, for the rest of the time.

He can't refuse to go into a care home and refuse to let anybody else into his home apart from his daughters. It isn't fair for him to expect them to devote their lives to caring for him. I bet he wouldn't do this if he had two sons.

I think it's up to your mum and your aunt to decide what level of care they are willing to provide and anything needed above that, he accepts outside carers and pays for it.

Just to add, their limits can certainly include no calls overnight , he has the option of calling an ambulance himself or wearing a fall alarm that goes straight to a call centre at night, even if the contact is DM / DA during waking hours.

Again, up tonhim the risks he wants to take..and if he feels his quality of life is better with higher risk/lower intervention, that's fine. For some older people this is genuinely a better choice.

BUT he CANNOT expect his DDs to fill the gap. The gap is of his making and is his responsibility, not theirs.

If he wants the power, he gets the responsibility too.

Unless your Mum and aunt are prepared to stand up to this bully, nothing will change. They need to give him a week's notice that they can't come anymore. Up to him if he pays for a carer or copes alone.

Your Mum and aunt need to decide together how much they are willing and able to do for their DF while still protecting their own health and sanity. And then they make it clear to DF that it is NOT POSSIBLE for them to do more as they are both getting older themselves.

Then they tell him they would feel happier if he would accept more care and help, but they recognise that that choice is his - he can either accept extra help to be safer while not harming his DDs, or he can go his own way - but they are already giving everything they can and can't do more.

Is he not on his own at night at the minute? It’s a bit unclear to me if the auntie lives there or not.
I would get him an alarm he can press for falls, but really if he hasn’t got dementia and isn’t regularly falling, then if he doesn’t want someone in overnight then I can see his point. Maybe upping the frequency of the carer when Daunt is away could be an option.

God I hope I don’t do this to my family. Dreadful.

Incredibly selfish of him to expect two family members to give up their own life to look after him and to refuse to consider alternatives.

Frankly your aunt and mother should make it clear they cannot cope any longer and that he needs to accept external help.

Does your Auntie usually sleep there every night?
If he is deemed to have capacity then you can’t force him to accept any help.
I would make sure he has a call bracelet/necklace that he can press if he falls if he’ll wear one.
My mum is prone to falls and absolutely won’t wear one because ‘they are for old people’…. We’ve sent up a smart speaker in each of the main rooms so that she can ask it to call me if she needs me and can’t reach her mobile (last time she fell her mobile was on the work top and she was on the floor for 4 hours until she was found).
I wouldn’t stress him out by insisting he do something he doesn’t want to, but would up the care visits to each morning and evening.

As others have said, I don’t think you can do anything against his will as long as he has capacity.
Some interventions we used in a similar situation with MIL (who had Alzheimer’s) included the emergency call necklace (completely objected to), a doorbell camera, a camera in the living room & garden & a key lockbox at the front door so emergency services could be given the code if needed (a trusted neighbour also had the code). Also had a cleaner/carer come for 2 hours a few times a week. All combined we feel this allowed for an additional 18 months of “independent” living, before MIL sadly passing away.

I find it very unlikely that anything was signed to say he will never go into a home. No family member can be obligated to care for him, much as they might want to and feel they should. Ultimately if no one has power of attorney to make that welfare decision for him in the event he isnt mentally capable, and professionals were sufficiently worried, they would seek to take guardianship I think.
It doesn’t sound like he is at that stage if he has all is mental faculties, so right now he can totally refuse to go into care. But equally, family can refuse to care for him or provide as much care as they currently are. Obviously his family don’t want to refuse as they love him, but there is only so much they can do. Your mother is entitled to a break away.
He can refuse to have the carer in overnight as that is his right. But that doesn’t mean family can be forced to pick up the slack.
Has anyone asked him what he thinks should happen while your mum is away? Sometimes these things go over more easily if the person feels involved in the decision. If he refuses, then the people helping him need to say ‘ok, fine, but we are only prepared/able to offer this (state what) as support and that’s all’. He can’t have it all ways. He wants autonomy to make his own decisions, fine. Others have autonomy to refuse to pick up the slack and while he still has his faculties, he has to take some responsibility for the risk he might be be putting himself at. Maybe that sounds harsh but in short….
He can make his own decisions.
So too can the people helping him.

When my DM came to live with me we had an agreement that DH and I would be able to have a fortnight’s holiday a year when someone else would look after her. She was all on board in theory but of course when it came to making the arrangements she wasn’t so happy. We bent over backwards to get family members to help out but no-one would do it more than once. So with no option but to put her in respite care, and despite her protests, that’s what we did.

Once there she loved it and it subsequently became her home.

Do your homework and find a good home and your DGF will be fine. FWIW I doubt very much that any written promise not to put him in a home will carry any legal weight.

Why don’t you get a link line for him to wear?

Several options

Respite for a week. Clear drop off and pick up arrangements might reassure him
Carer in the house. My dad was very resistant but showed more interest when he saw some profiles as he loved to chat and some had very interests career paths into care.
DIY it. Why can’t your mum, you or a grandchild spend the week there and give your aunt a break? A friend lived with his very aged GPs during a year of uni specifically to be there overnight in an emergency. They had other folk coming and going during the day.
Tech. Alexa (needs broadband), wearable stuff (but they need to wear it), Siri, other.
Remote cameras. You can use Alexa to “drop in” ok someone. So if you get an automated alert you can drop in and see what’s going on. Tricky unless you put one everywhere or install cctv and most falls will take place out of bed or in the bathroom I think

I don’t understand why your mum thinks having someone stay with him overnight when he lives alone all the time is needed when your aunt is away on holiday. Does your aunt usually go in every morning or something like that?

if she is anxious about him having a fall at night then that could happen at any time and the best thing may be to get him some sort of fall alarm.

We got my nan a fall guard that alerts as automatically if she goes down sje wares on wrist if she fals people talking to her via intercoms and if no response auto 999 and us plus meals on wheel (pretty gross so I've taken back over meals)

i agree about suggesting a pendant alarm. But ultimately as long as he understands that if he falls then nobody will be coming, it’s up to your dm to manage her fears about that. It sounds as if he’d rather die alone on the floor than have strangers in. I don’t think I’d make the same choice but it’s not unusual.

A falls alarm would be the first step, you can’t force him to have a carer. If he has capacity there’s not a lot you can do, have you arranged poa?

I second a falls alarm or telecare -why should he have strangers in his home at 96 'he sounds amazing 👏

If he has the capacity to make this decision and understands the risks then there’s nothing you can do other than respect his decision.
Does he have assistive technology like Telecare, falls sensor etc. That can help. Alexa’s are also useful.

When this was my gran it took its toll out of my mum OP. And me too.
We didn't want her in a home but domiciliary care was a fair compromise. And one we had to insist on in the end for everyone's safety.

If he is capable of making his own decisions then he is allowed the consequences of those. Those around him need to be very clear they are exhausted and anxious and worry about his falling/becoming ill and suffering and dying alone at home. He is likely to be fully aware of that possibility and choses it over any other option quite rationally. He is close to the end of his life, does he need to do what anyone says? If your mum isn't able or willing to give what he needs minimum or asks for (which is likely to be different to what she thinks is needed) she needs to spell that out to him and hear his decision.

What @EmeraldRoulette has said.
I think save your energy and emotion and let your GF have his way and redirect it towards reassuring your auntie.
I've seen people suggest Alexa as a way of keeping in touch and speaking to a vulnerable person on their own.
But Im not technically savvy enough to understand how or if this would work.
Even if accepted by the person at home on their own.

Does your aunty usually stay overnight? Not quite sure he is actually living independently if so. Or is it that your mum is worried about having to deal with any falls / emergencies alone while your aunt is away - and if trying to circument this by having a carer in overnight?

I'm not sure tbh. If my parent was compos mentis and generally okay at home and understood that no one would be able to come immediately if they fell, I would probably let them crack on tbh. Presumably your mum or someone else is visiting every day?