Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

Oh Socks. I’m so sorry. It’s bloody shit, it really is. It sounds like you got the holy grail of MILs and have had a lovely relationship. I’m glad the nurses are on the ball and will keep her comfortable. I’m still stunned about that carer withholding medication. What religion believes that pain should be endured instead of eased?! Disgusting.

Well, I’m feeling rather odd tonight after a rather chipper phone call with my mum. The carer who went today was very lovely and they got on well but she’s just in the office and won’t be doing any caring. She did a few jobs while she was there. Mum didn’t give her the list of jobs I’ve been doing and asked if she was supposed to 🙄 I specifically rewrote it into a brand new notebook for her so show them and told her what I was doing and why and repeated yesterday to make sure she showed it to the assessor. She’s getting 30 minutes 3 times a day which isn’t much at all and is enough time to make her a drink, make the bed, make cereal, sandwich, ready meal and whip the hoover round and that’s it. It will be interesting to see how that goes in time when jobs aren’t getting done. She’s said she’s going to find a cleaner. I’ve remixed her that one will cost around £20 an hour. She thought I was still doing the gardening. No. Oh. And I’ve reminded her that the last gardener was £25 an hour and for what she wanted doing she needed someone for two hours a week except in the depths of winter. Then there’s hedges and lawns, hanging baskets and bedding plants in early summer plus all the watering. Will cost her a fortune in the summer. She did ask how much I’d still be doing and I said the same as her other daughter. Well that’s not much is it! No shit Sherlock. Amazingly another granddaughter visited her today. All coming out of the woodwork now. They previously didn’t offer any help because I was doing everything. They didn’t even bloody visit let alone help! A handful of times a year, that’s it and they live about 6 miles away. So it’s a case of watch and see but I’ll be interested to see what the assessor tells me tomorrow. They have been commissioned by SS so will only do the basics and I think that is meals only. Not sure about laundry and changing the bed. It’s a king size bed and fighting with the duvet takes me a while although I can do it quick if she doesn’t have a flat sheet on too and the duvet behaves. Mum found the few weeks of carers really lonely without me and didn’t like it. Let’s see what the next couple of weeks bring but I’m actually feeling quite sad about it. I really enjoyed the variety of the work until things got too much and family got abusive.

Hospice nurses have been back out to give MIL a bedtime shot, second visit today. Mentioned fitting a driver ‘very soon’. It’s good because it removes anyone else’s decisions on meds, but it’s sad. I don’t want to think about her dying. I know she is, but I don’t want her to. I’m going to miss her so very much.

@BestIsWest I'm working on the assumption that by the time mum's money has run out she probably won't know where she is so I'm voting for decent place with stimulating activities for now. But I don't have POA and DB who does lives hours away and doesn't deal with the shit. If it was up to me she'd be booked in for a trial stay asap but today she thinks I'm a cruel liar who's trying to force her into a home so I can sell her house and have her money (what does she think will pay her bills?)

What's really frustrating me about the care home search is the ones that accept LA rates (and mum is s highly likely to outlive her funds) you wouldn't want to go to unless you were in a really bad way. In many ways mum isn't ready for that sort of care home yet, she needs somewhere she will get some stimulation . But she can't cope with some things and we aren't local. So as long as the weather is ok and nothing goes wrong she manages, not ideally but she gets by on getting crap food at the corner shop . She has a cleaner and carers morning and evening. But the carers don't do personal care, they make sure the door is locked, the milk is put back in the fridge, the freezer is shut and switch on the power to the boiler when it has been switched off. But as soon as something goes wrong/not totally routine (more and more frequently) she tries to fix/sort it herself and gets in a terrible mess and a distressed state and begs me to sort out a care home. And when the weather is wet and she gets out less she gets so lonely. If she'd gone to an assisted living flat right after dad had died I think she'd be coping better but I think we are past that stage now. I was pushing for it but POA was looking into it said her preferred flats wouldn't take someone with a dementia diagnosis which I recently found out isn't true. Suspect they didn't want the hassle of a house sale at the time. The most concerning thing is she never uses her phone but won't admit it so any crises just brew until the carer/cleaner shows up and calls me.

@SockFluffInTheBath these might help you.

https://www.iasp-pain.org/advocacy/iasp-statements/access-to-pain-management-declaration-of-montreal/

https://www.britishpainsociety.org/static/uploads/resources/files/FPM-Core-Standards-2021.pdf

Good job I don't have your problem @SockFluffInTheBath I'd probably end up in jail and be unable to sort out anything.

@countrygirl99 maybe tell her you’ve arranged for her to move into the home, but if she doesn’t want to go she just needs to call them (and give her your number so you know if she does it). No judgement here on drinking from the bottle…

@BestIsWest flipping hearing aids again. They should be on a string like children’s’ mittens 😅

@Dormit breathe. You’re wrong because you’re not there. If you were there you would be wrong for something else.

Carer’s agency are saying that withholding meds on religious grounds (carer’s beliefs, no one else’s) is not abuse… SW is back from hols and is not happy. I can’t believe it’s this bloody hard to remove someone who is negligent,

Is drinking gin neat straight from the bottle really bad? 10 days ago mum was sobbing that she couldn't cope and wanted me to find a care home. Visit to a lovely care home (with cats, big positive) but she's in total sulk mode because she manages "perfectly fine" despite me having to sort major domestic crises 3 times in the last 4 weeks. And we can only guess how they've happened as there's no obvious cause. And she can't use the phone but won't admit it.

My grandad had vascular dementia and could get violent at times and would often raise his hand but not actually strike my aunt. Never my mum. It’s so difficult to see our loved ones change.
Mum’s care assessment is today. They are only going in for 30 mins 3 times a day so they won’t be able to cook her a proper meal in that time. Mum won’t be happy about that. I’m getting the semi-silent treatment at the moment. Another grandchild went and cooked her a meal last night. Beans on toast but she was happy with that. She’s managed without me anyway. Not happy about it but managed. I’m now getting the so will I see you at all this week malarkey. The amount of guilt tripping is unreal. I tried to talk to my brother about the possible cognitive decline and he disagreed. He’s seen her three times in 2 years so wouldn’t know. My sister just says mum is very confused. She’s not. Sometimes a little confused on things like medication and recalling details of conversations but I wouldn’t call her confused. It’s more the lack of being able to plan and problem solve anymore although she was never great. Very much a 50s housewife where the husband made all the decisions, paid all the bills and no input was required from the wife. She’s always deferred to the opinions of others unless she feels very strongly. Yet her sister is very domineering and forthright.
I’m going to go out and have a nice day with my children today. Final treats of the summer before school and college.
Ive told my children to put me in a home either in the hills or by the coast.
Wishing strength to all!

It's heartbreaking.
A similar thing is going on in my extended family - man with dementia, tipping over into terrified and confused violence when his brain fails to recognise even his wife. Went into hospital, then a care home, but his wife has now taken him home. I think how I would feel if it was my dearly loved OH, and I do understand how she might have come to that decision. Even though I can clearly see the problem with it...

I think he should spend at least some respite stays in a care home so if anything happens to her, there's somewhere he can go where they know him.

That's horrible @Tupperwarelid . It does sound like FIL needs to be somewhere more secure.

You lot are right when you say DB doesn't make rules for me. He is doing the much larger share of the visiting than I am as he visits DM 6/7. IMO this is the endgame of the unhealthy codependent relationship he and DM have.

Before any of this happened DB was visiting DM daily. He was also very controlling of DM, or tried to be. Now DM is beyond his control he tries to control the things around her.

We have reached crisis point with FIL and his Alzheimer’s. Got a call from MIL at 4.30 this morning saying he was agitated and trying to get out the house as he had to go to work. He’s also started saying the neighbours are stealing stuff from him and he’s not safe in the house as people are trying to hurt him. The police and ambulance came out and he has calmed down now. Problem is we live at least 4 hours away so can’t just pop round to check they are okay.

MIL flits between agreeing he needs to go into a home and then but what about the money (not an issue)/what will the neighbours think/ things aren’t that bad.

it’s getting to the point I’m dreading the phone ringing and while DH and I think we should start looking at homes, it’s really up to him and his mum.

@tobee ouch, I hope you have an ice pack or good pills for that.

FIL and myself tend to talk about common ground, things like my work (engines) and growing tomatoes. It’s quite limited but things like the news and politics are a real flashpoint so strictly off limits.

Head nurse from the hospice made an impromptu visit this morning, and is furious. She’s going to take this on to get MIL sorted. So fingers crossed.

Oh yes, no bank holiday weekend can go by without something!

If you find a teleportation device please share a link as that’s the one superpower I think I’d choose.

@SockFluffInTheBath I really hope there is some legal recourse for being stuck with the sadistic live in carer. You could not make that up and the Teflon of everyone you’ve tried to address it with is horrifying.

@tobee I hope it’s not a cracked rib and you feel better soon.

You don't have to buy into this. DB doesn't get to make rules for you.

That is terrible @SockFluffInTheBath I hope the advice you get is helpful.

@Dormit, well done for staying strong in the face of the guilt tripping pressures. I think once you reach your limit it is easier to say no.

I don't really have much to say to my Dad either @tobee when I see him, he prefers to talk about the past really, if I try to engage him in any real world issues he shuts down as he can't deal with it cognitively.

Every afternoon?! @GnomeDePlume, wow that is an impossibly high expectation. Don't feel guilty for living your own life.

I'm not going to be able to visit DM next weekend and I already feel guilty. I'm not sure where this guilt is aimed.

At DB I suppose as he will then feel he has to go in. Except that he is the one who has created the rule that DM must be visited every afternoon.

@tobee I usually find with bruises that they are not dramatic looking but painful or dramatic but in a place I can't really display. Congrats on it being visible, commiserations on it being painful. Be careful in case you've cracked a rib

Catching up on this thread and thinking about our parents diminishing selves. Made me think that with dad I find it hard to think what to say to him when alone with him which makes me feel sad and also somewhat guilty. Then I realise it's probably down to two things. One is he's no longer able to really do the things he used to be interested in easily. But also he's lost his ability to be the optimist, glass half full person that was an integral part of his personality. Mum's always been contrastingly pessimistic. (Now though she's slightly more optimistic? )

Also this afternoon I tripped on an internet cable and fell comedically down a small flight of stairs and banged my back/ribs quite nastily. It's ok if I sit still but if I have to get up or move it's an absolute bastard. 😩

I'm feeling very sorry for myself but at least I've got a fabulous vivid bruise to extract maximum sympathy from the family 😉

This is what I really don’t get. I don’t clean my own house - don’t have time with job and children, that’s why I pay someone to do it.

WHY would I want or be able to take over cleaning hers?!