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Elderly parents

Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

979 replies

BestIsWest · 23/06/2025 08:03

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

OP posts:
Dormit · 29/08/2025 13:30

@Choconuttolatai hope today goes as well as these things can Flowers

thesandwich · 29/08/2025 13:07

I’m so sorry @SockFluffInTheBath. The crisis is over now. Sending 🌺🌺

NDornotND · 29/08/2025 12:16

Condolences @SockFluffInTheBath and @Choconuttolata - strength to you both & all those struggling ☕

Choconuttolata · 29/08/2025 11:02

Thinking of you @SockFluffInTheBath. I am glad that as a family you had time to share those moments together.

It is DH's brother's funeral today.

countrygirl99 · 29/08/2025 09:34

So sorry @SockFluffInTheBath

Dormit · 29/08/2025 09:30

@SockFluffInTheBath much love to you and your family. It sounds like her final hours were a comfort to her and to you all. I’m so very sorry for your loss x

BestIsWest · 29/08/2025 09:20

I’m so sorry @SockFluffInTheBath.

OP posts:
Mumbles12 · 29/08/2025 09:18

I'm so very sorry @SockFluffInTheBath . Wishing you strength and courage for the days and weeks ahead.

SockFluffInTheBath · 29/08/2025 09:14

MotherOfCatBoy · 27/08/2025 18:20

Courage, @SockFluffInTheBath .
Thinking of you.

Thank you for the gift of this word, @MotherOfCatBoy I’ve been repeating it to myself a lot.

My beautiful, brave, wonderful mother in law died in the small hours. She climbed Snowdon in stilettos, and had a trifle for every occasion.

We were with her last night until late telling stories, smiling and crying in turns, and then got a call at 3am. The family are piling in now, so I’ve come back to have a shower and get out of my pyjamas. Much love to everyone in the cockroach cafe, thank you for the hand holds and the wine.

countrygirl99 · 28/08/2025 11:38

Isitsticky · 28/08/2025 08:18

It's the only way, Countrygirl. He has to feel the impact of his own decisions. I wonder how it came about that he is sole POA. Was he the driver behind setting it up, did he deliberately sideline you?

I was the driver to get it set up! But he was always mum's favourite and although dad was lovely in many ways, he always deferred to mum. TBH he got hell when he didn't so I can understand why. Definitely coercive control and DB is very likely mum.

BestIsWest · 28/08/2025 08:45

Yes, I wondered how he came to be sole POA too, DB and I have joint and several which means in reality it entirely falls to me (🙄).

But you are right, it is the only way. I tried keeping a diary of the time I was spending but it was too depressing.

OP posts:
Isitsticky · 28/08/2025 08:19

It's the only way, Countrygirl. He has to feel the impact of his own decisions. I wonder how it came about that he is sole POA. Was he the driver behind setting it up, did he deliberately sideline you?

Isitsticky · 28/08/2025 08:18

It's the only way, Countrygirl. He has to feel the impact of his own decisions. I wonder how it came about that he is sole POA. Was he the driver behind setting it up, did he deliberately sideline you?

countrygirl99 · 28/08/2025 08:07

Have come to the conclusion that goldenballs (sole POA so effectively has an absolute veto) wants mum to stay out if a home so there's an inheritance. He, needless to say, lives hours away and isn't the one dropping everything to run to every domestic crisis, taking her to appointments etc. from now on I'm only going to do my routine social /pivotell/light bulb checking etc visits and he can feel the heat for anything else. I've had 4 extra trips up this month and spent many hours trying to resolve problems and research/visit care homes. He criticises everything and won't give constructive suggestions so I'm out.

Harassedevictee · 27/08/2025 18:42

@SockFluffInTheBath I’m so sorry, [flowers)]

MotherOfCatBoy · 27/08/2025 18:20

Courage, @SockFluffInTheBath .
Thinking of you.

BestIsWest · 27/08/2025 16:29

Sending love @SockFluffInTheBath.

OP posts:
Mumbles12 · 27/08/2025 16:12

I'm so sorry @SockFluffInTheBath . Such an awfully sad time.

Choconuttolata · 27/08/2025 14:06

So sorry @SockFluffInTheBath I hope that she will be comfortable and able to have some peace with the driver in place.

Dormit · 27/08/2025 12:12

A driver is undoubtedly the best thing at this time but it doesn’t take away your pain . I hope you and the dc someone lovely time with her. My dad had one and we all went to see him. He was sleeping mainly but he called out for my mum just before he died. I wish you all peace x

thesandwich · 27/08/2025 12:09

I’m so sorry @SockFluffInTheBath . Thinking of you.

SockFluffInTheBath · 27/08/2025 11:49

Driver going in this afternoon, no more food or drink. Taking the DC over to talk to her before she slips under.

countrygirl99 · 27/08/2025 09:09

@SockFluffInTheBath I understand that. My late MIL was more of a mum to me than mine ever was

PermanentTemporary · 27/08/2025 07:59

@SockFluffInTheBath i may have something in my eye reading that. The universe bless all the lovely in-laws who even if our own families are fine, welcome us in and teach us something new about love.

SockFluffInTheBath · 27/08/2025 07:19

I did find the holy grail @Dormit . My own family are entirely rubbish and at 24 I had this amazing woman take me under her wing. We’ve had (very rare) disagreements but so many good times. My DC have been so very lucky to grow up with SuperGran just next door so they could run across the drive and into her house.

District nurses out at 1am, couldn’t do much. Supposed to be starting counselling or something today (arranged via work’s occ health), but too much going on and I don’t think I can face it, might move the appt.