Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

I'm dreading when the time comes to sort out the in-laws house. DH is a hoarder and an only child so I just know he's not going to want to throw anything away. FIL has dementia and DH has supposed to have been selling his tools for years but always comes up with some excuse why he hasn't. DH is useless at DIY so I don't know what he thinks he is going to do with them.

DM having her memory test in a week or so. DB is now coming round to the idea that DM likely has some form of dementia.

If there is a formal diagnosis then I think we have to go down the route of bringing the LPA into play. At this point we need to inform the bank and start to simplify DM's finances. This will include getting DM's bungalow on the market.

A lot of the 'we' in all of this will likely mean DH and me as my DBs are next door to useless at actually getting on with things.

My parents house is full to the rafters with stuff and junk. I fantasise about skips.

As the family historian I love finds like that @BestIsWest !

The relief is also there for going back to just being her daughter rather than the problem solver.

Mum was still living in the family home and didn’t do much any sorting out after dad died six years ago, so there’s plenty to deal with. I’m also finding bits and pieces that I recognise as belonging to my grandparents. On the surface there wasn’t that much clutter but it turns out a 3 bed family house and garage had quite a large capacity for stuff if you shove it randomly into cupboards and drawers and wardrobes.

I do sometimes daydream about this thread becoming an ‘elderly swap’ service where we each get a different relative/set of relatives to look after for a week - kind of Cockroach Respite. It does remind me that anyone on this thread would swap for the situation we’re in now (perhaps not 2, 3 or 4 years ago).

Thank you - that's a really good suggestion. I wonder why the GP didn't raise that as a possibility today.

@funnelfan that does sound much better. My Mum is now in a home and the relief of knowing how well she is being cared for makes such a difference.

My Mum however does notice if I don’t visit but I make sure the carers know when I’m visiting. Like you I am also decluttering/ sorting out her flat prior to sale.

Have you tried pain patches? My Mum was trying to manage in similar circumstances with just paracetamol which wasn’t touching the pain plus she forgot to take them. Weekly patches made a huge difference to her.

I tried pointing out that dad could hardly stand and it wasn't a good idea for him to drop a hot iron on the carpet. She's always been very controlling and her Alzheimer's magnified it. I always went down the dad can't do it get an ironing service or stop moaning approach. It was more to let dad know I was on his side then with any expectation of change.

@countrygirl99 did you tell your mum she was being horrible? I sometimes want to tell mine, but she is in so much pain i don't have the heart for home truths & i doubt it would help - she would just feel persecuted.

@NDornotND I feel your pain. My mum used to be horrible to dad because he couldn't iron/cook anymore (they used to take it in turns). Dad was 94, in severe pain with osteoporosis and arthritis, he'd had fractured vertebrae and pelvis, he had stage 4 heart failure and kidney failure. He fell regularly and not only couldn't walk across the room without his walker but couldn't stand for more than a few minutes without being in agony. But according to mum he was just being lazy and any suggestions of an ironing service (mum has always hated ironing) were batted away.

Does anyone want to take custody of my 85- (almost 86-) year-old mum alongside their own relatives? She's driving me doo-lally! She's in a lot of pain due to osteoporosis and a crumbling spine, but won't take her medication regularly. I made her and dad some chicken and vegetable soup with my leftover roast chicken today, but she said she didn't want it as she was planning on having some beef stew with potatoes and vegetables. I think she was planning on me making it, as she can barely stand, let alone wrangle saucepans! Also claimed to have no nice bread. I offered to pop and get some on our way back from the GP, but no. Turns out she actually has a stash of frozen homemade bread (breadmaker) in the freezer (she knew this full well). Oh, and she is furious with my dad constantly because he doesn't do anything and also because he was defrosting the freezer because it wouldn't shut and doing it wrong. Poor bloke is 89 with an unhealed fractured arm. I am having coffee and a chocolate wafer & wishing for something much stronger. Anyway, they're having the soup and some lovely bread.

Yes it’s a great shame that it takes a crisis to force the situation in so many cases, but it’s turned out ok for us. I can’t say mums happy about being there but she appears to accept the situation. The staff seem to love her because she’s compliant and polite (on her speaking days) and they’re always telling me what a lovely smile she has when they talk to her.

I’ve come to terms with it too - seeing what the home do, there’s no way on this earth I could provide the care that they do. No one single person could and still retain their sanity. They have all the training, equipment, experience and patience that I did not have. I did all the outsourcing to carers and gardeners and cleaners etc and made sure I wasn’t the default solution to every problem mum had, but in the end it wasn’t enough as she just wasn’t safe at home any more.

My main regret is that I didn’t force the conversation about what she’d want if and when she was no longer able to cope at home any more, when she was still compus mentis. She was a bugger for hand waving it away with “oh I’ll manage somehow”. Which as we all know actually turns out to mean “I’m sure you’ll sort any problems for me”. My conscience is clear though that she is in the best place even if it does mean her last days won’t be in her home of 63 years. She’ll be safe, clean, warm, comfortable and looked after.

Here you all are, hello!

I’ve been quiet recently as DM is settled in her care home and they continue to take excellent care of her. So life has calmed down a bit and I’m gradually sorting her house every time I drive over to visit her. It’s nice that some weeks I can say sod it and not go and know mum will be fine and probably won’t even notice.

DM is still declining despite the care. She has to be encouraged to eat and drink with 1:1 assistance now, although I’ve made it clear she should not be forced and they are totally on board with that. They gave me some examples of mum shaking her head at the offer of another spoon of food which they respected. She’s so frail now she’s on a 28 day review with the GP, which means they visit her every 28 days. It’s like she’s slowly fading away - to be honest I expect her to just not wake up from one of her naps. And I’d be quite happy if that’s the way she went. She’s not in pain at all, just knackered.

On a side note, it’s lovely how I’ve become part of the extended care home family, as other residents are used to seeing me and want me to chat or do little things for them. I see other relatives doing the same and it’s also nice chatting to them for support. If I’m there at a meal time I always get invited to eat with them too.

Cockroach to all and now I’ll go and read the thread and catch up with what’s been happening.

That sounds crazy @tobee . Maybe everyone needs to react a lot more slowly??

@Worriedreparents so far I’ve done 3 bedside death vigils for my mum. She remains alive and about to ‘celebrate’ her 91st birthday (she has no idea). Live your life, have your holiday and what will be will be.

Having seen someone who was described as “end of life” and “their last summer”’go on for well over another year, including yet another summer, I now don’t put stuff on hold just in case.

Even when I have been with a terminally ill relative, I’ve missed the end, because it’s impossible to stay awake for days on end. Many people slip away whilst there is no one with them.

Make sure you’ve said all the things you need to say. Know who the contacts are should something happen.

@Worriedreparents between us we've been in panic mode about one or other parent since February 2015. If we'd gone that long without a holiday I think I'd be doing time for murder.

Personally I would go. I know it doesn’t sound nice but this could literally go on for years. We’ve had older relatives with health problems for the last 8 years. It’s a long time to live without a break.

Have a realistic plan set with your siblings . Me and my DSis agree that we won’t phone each other whilst we are on holiday. So far not a single situation has cropped up that obe of us can’t deal with alone. DH has the same arrangement with his sibling.

Carong for someone else is hard and you do deserve a holiday. If somebody were to judge you then they’re welcome to take over some of the caring responsibilities. I’ve found my extended family very quick to criticise but very reluctant to actually do anything practical themselves.

No carers as yet, just parents managing with mine and siblings help with shopping etc.
The caring/ help isn’t an issue whilst I’m away but it’s the thought of going away and the worst happening whilst I’m away. So I’m getting anxious and thinking of staying home when in all likelihood this latest health scare will not be the end.

i was like it last time we were away but things have escalated. To go or not to go

@tobeewhat an absolute nightmare. I think moving the Hospital appointment sounds like a good idea too. Hope you’re not too exhausted today

Have you got any siblings @BestIsWest? My and My DSis cover obe another if there are holidays. DFIL was persuaded to go into respite whilst DH had a small holiday but it looks as though DFIL won’t need it now he's moving to a Nursing Home for palliative care anyway.

Does he have any carers coming regularly?

I'm supposed to be going on my holiday next Saturday! It's in this country and only for a week but eek! 😁

Update about my dad is my sister ringing at half past one in the morning - 2 hours ago. After bil calling 999 people 4 times with no idea when ambulance was coming it was cancelled again! They spoke to dad to check he wanted it be cancelled. He had been asleep because he insisted on going to bed. And mum had gone to bed too. So my sister and bil had been waiting to let ambulance in while my parents - the patient and his wife were sleeping 😑

We're going to tell mum to cancel dad's non emergency appointment and I'll be on standby to help go to A&E or whatever. Bil's assessment is that I won't be able to get dad in the car anyway and he'll need paramedics.

I'm not sure why I'm up this late (half past 3) but I just wanted a bit of chill time and I've been in the habit of staying up late watching US open tennis. I daresay I'll regret it in the morning