Am I a horrible daughter?

Just stop. Force your brother to step up

Both personally and professionally, I mind people who won't accept Social Care and expect the child/children to do everything. I know this is an MN standard OP but I think its time to set some boundaries around what you can do and what you can't...and be sure to factor in a bit of slack in case of emergencies.

Hello op

I really feel for you.

It took me 6 months of therapy to unpick a similar situation with my mum - I realised I'd been brought up to feel responsible for her feelings. (My brother definitely has not, but suffers in his own ways - he's enmeshed with her, and remains immature as a result)

You have to prioritise your own family and yourself. You can't go on like this -I'm not surprised you're exhausted, frustrated and resentful.

Your mum has her mental faculties and can organise help for herself - the hardest bit will be changing a lifetime's worth of patterns where you've been expected to serve her.

You wouldn't put this on your own children, would you.

So yes, I personally recommend therapy for this! It runs deep!

Good luck x

Just to add -

it's not just that you've been born, it's that you've been born a woman.

Her son needs to step up! Speak to them both and say you cannot continue like this. He needs to do his fair share so you do less, OR they need to get in help. State that they have a week to sort things because after that you will only beable to manage to come 3 days a week.

I filled up the forms for my late parents and my late husband. However, I'd suggest that the OP might check whether there's a Citizen's Advice Bureau in her area.

They're usually very good at filling up AA forms ad might be able to give her info as to other help that might be available.

You need to contact adult social services & get help in place for you mum. Carers to do personal care & then a cleaner for the house.

Tell her that as of tomorrow, you are not doing anything further for her, as the pressure of caring for her is too much and you have to put your own daughters first - which is what good parents do. At the moment, she is putting her wants and desires (for you, and no-one else, to be her carer) above the needs of you and your children (for rest and family time).

She can get outside carers, or her wonderful son can step up, or she can sort things out alone. Her choice.

Like all horrible mothers, she thinks that doing the basics of physical care for a child is something praiseworthy. It isn't, and if she's anything like my horrible mother, she made a piss-poor job of that too.

She will take advantage of you until you stop her doing so. And the sad fact is, however much you do for her, she is incapable of being a loving mother. No loving mother would treat you like this. Loving mothers put the welfare of their children first. Keep repeating that to yourself - and to her if needed.

Your mum needs to understand that you're a single mum to two young children. She has a son that lives under her roof who is clearly capable of helping his mother. Is the cat his or your mum's?they shouldn't be having a cat that they can't or won't care for themselves. She can't guilt you purely by stating she birthed you. She chose to have her children and remind her that she has two adult children not just one. The one living with her has no kids living with him he has time to stay out with his mates therefore he could use some of that time to help his mother rather than leaving it all to his single parent sister

Did she care for your nan full time raising you...I bet not. I also bet she didn't work. I know it's horrible but this is unsustainable.

You need professional help

That will only be if the mother has money for it. Local authorities are increasingly only sending people into old people’s homes if they can’t cope at home with carers coming in 4 times a day.

You get to decide how other people treat you and you get to decide how you spend your time and energy. Be more selfish about your own health and needs. Your mother's needs and your brother's easy life are not more important than you. You know this deep down but you find it hard saying no to your mother. Keep saying no. Keep saying that she either gets outside help or things won't get done. Keep focused on you.

It would be an ultimatum from me

Outside help
or
Residential home

She is being completely unreasonable op

Id be considering putting her in a old peoples home.

I looked after my mum through alzheimer's as did my brother. All of it. I have told my kids that I do not want the same sacrifice from them. Your obligation is to your children. Your brother and mum are both selfish.

Decide on your boundaries and the things you can/will do, make that clear to her and brother and don’t budge on it.
In actual fact he is no more obligated to provide care than you are, despite the fact he lives there. That might sound harsh but it’s true. He isn’t obligated to be a carer either and can state what he is and isn’t willing to do same as you. What he should be doing is pulling his weight with the housework. Unless he is getting carers allowance of course.
Mum can choose not to have extra help in, but she doesn’t get to expect you to pick up the slack when your first obligation is to
yours kids that you CHOSE to have, just as she CHOSE to have you. Kids owe their parents nothing. Many choose to do as much as they possibly can, just as you have, but it’s out of love not duty.

I usually just accept it but today I called her out on it and said she chose to have me and I’m not her servant

The problem is you went from 0 to 60 with no warning.

You’re normally passive. Today you were aggressive.

Assertive response: “It’s getting too much for me, mum.”

Does your brother have a job? A family?
Does he live rent free with your mother?
How does he contribute to the household?

Yes, she looked after you when you were a child - but this is something you "pay forward" ie you look after your children, and they will look after theirs and so on.

How much you are able to do for your mother whilst also fulfilling your responsibilities to your children is something only you can assess OP.

You seem to be doing quite a lot and stretching yourself considerably.

It is outrageous that your brother, who actually lives with her, does so little.
You should speak to him about doing more

You are most definitely not a horrible daughter. You are doing way more than a lot of daughters would do, especially as your lazy idle lump of a brother actually lives there! Start cutting down on the things you do - she has a choice to get outside help, or to involve her son. Your priority is your children. Keep yourself sane and healthy for them.

Bloody typical. Let me guess. She's leaving the house just to him...

Some men leave women to do the majority of care in these situations. It's infuriating.

You are not an awful daughter. You are 100% doing your best OP and she's very lucky to have you.

Your mother refusing to accept outside help tells you all you need to know.
Believe me, when you need it, you accept it.
This is more about control, OP.
And yes, your brother should help more but he’s not a servant either.
DO NOT let her emotionally blackmail you with the ‘I cared for you’ argument as it won’t wash. You were small child, being a mum was her job.
She will have you dancing to her tune for 15 years, I’ve seen women who behave like this live until 90.
You have your own life and your own children.
Get a social services assessment because her attitude is not going to improve and her demands will crank up as time goes by.
You can of course still help when you see fit, but you are not a bad daughter.
She’s a bloody awful mother, though…

Your mum needs to seek outside help. Does your brother pay rent to your mum, if so can that help wit the costs of care, if not why not?

Of course your mum did everything for you as a child, that's normal. But caring for an elderly relative is not necessarily the case in our society. Especially, when you are a single parent to two young children.

either your brother steps up or your mum gets outside help. Can your mum honestly not feed the cat herself?

I think you need a calm, clear conversation about what she and you and your brother can manage. Tears and upset will not help. She needs more help then you can offer, how she moves forward is her choice. Be kind but firm.

It's not about what you want to do, or don't want to do; it's about all the other calls on your time.

She needs some carers coming in, either paid/via social services depending on her income. You can’t carry on like this, it’s not fair on you or your kids.

Your responsibility is to your children. They have nobody else to care for them. If you can no longer cope what happens to them?

Your mother either needs to insist your brother steps up, or she needs to accept outside carers. You already have caring responsibilities.