Am I a horrible daughter?

I went through similar with my mum. The only answer is to just not do it. Text her and your brother , say you are busy with the kids so not coming over until Monday. Then turn your phone off and enjoy your weekend.

I was lucky - I am very close to my mums youngest brother (he is only 4 years older than me and 19 years younger than her). He was very willing to advocate for me to mum and then eventually social services helping me draw up firm boundaries around how much help and support I was able and willing to give Mum. You don't have anyone like him so you will have to strong and draw your own boundaries.

Be resolute. Your kids need your energy just as much as she does.

Also, she’s asking you to help her apply for attendance allowance, where she will report to the govt that she has additional costs due to her care needs, but she is still expecting you to meet these needs for her, bringing your young kids along. So I’m not seeing what additional care costs she has here although it’s true we can all do with extra funds nowadays

There is also info on the CAB website online about filling in the form

Figure out what you can reasonably devote to her care in terms of time/effort per week. DO NOT MARTYR YOURSELF IN THIS EQUATION.

Compare that to the care you know she needs.

Call a family meeting with her and your brother. In this meeting, describe the size of the gap between what you can do and what needs to be done and say that you're going to work together to find a solution that bridges that gap, between your brother getting his arse in gear ffs and paid/outside help. Do not budge on your offered contribution.

I have been the child in this situation and it had a massive impact on me growing up, our whole household routine ran around supporting my grandmother. It impacted on my Mum’s mental health and she prioritised my grandmothers needs over ours, which resulted in neglect and bullying at school.
l am not saying that this is the same for your children, but this is their childhood and will affect how they parent and see their role in the family as they grow up. Is this what you want them to think is the normal way to treat people or for people to treat them?

Elderly care at 70 plus 😂 Most of them are kicking their heels up at concerts

You need to decide exactly what you have the capacity to do, and do no more than that.

You say you prioritised yourself. OP is a single parent and she needs to prioritise her two small children, not her demanding mother.

You are the second poster to say that watching their mum run herself ragged pandering to her ungrateful mum will set a good example for her kids and teach them to do the same for her. All it will teach them is that nothing is expected from sons, even those that live at home with their mums but that daughters must sacrifice themselves to provide elderly care. Most decent parents don't want their kids to have to give up their lives to care for them and I'm pretty sure that OP doesn't want that.

Oh dear!
I haven't read replies & feel there will be many different responses. My mother in her mid 70s had more energy & willingness to help with my children than many half her age. That's not to say your mum is lacking in any respect other than we have to accept age has nothing to do with individual capableitis.

When you apply for attendance allowance you might get rejected, I did; don’t give up, you sometimes have to be persistent. You do need to give your brother a kick up the bum!

You could have written my story. My mother is dead nearly 20 years now. Discovered after she died she was a narcissist Guilt tripped me every day. Then after looking after her while my brother did nothing she cut me out of her will. Left everything to him. Please don’t let her make you put her before your children. If they’re tired after the party take them home. Tell your brother to step up. She is manipulating you. Best of luck. You sound like a lovely person.

This post nails it.

If she needs toileting help then she needs to be in a home.

Your brother is a lazy SOB.

Call him and tell him the admin is now all on him and that the pair of them can sink or swim without you.

Tell your mum you can be there two days a week for x amount of time as you are a mum yourself and are doing everything for your own small children. The rest of the time she can arrange carers to come in, and cleaners, if she needs help and if she wants a clean house and if she can't bring herself to demand her son pulls his weight.

You're not a bad daughter. You're a GOOD daughter. You've worked yourself to breaking point trying to make sure everyone is cared for, but you can only spread yourself so thin.

Your mum shouldn't want you to live your life like this. My mum is 60 and has made it absolutely clear that if she ever needs caring for, we have her full permission to put her in a home (I don't think I would be able to do this but at least she's said she would be fine with it).

You need to let her know what you reasonably can and can't do, find out what your brother is willing to do, and the simple fact is that she will need outside help for the rest of it.

No-one is entitled to someone else's time and energy, regardless of the connection. Holding guilt doesn't mean you did the wrong thing. Prioritising you isn't selfish. I hope you heal from this.OP can provide support, but she definitely doesn't need to run her health and wellbeing into the ground because her mother chooses not to ask for/accept help from anyone else.

There's an awful lot that your brother could do to take pressure off you.

Like running the house or example!

Say you visit twice a day to help her wash & dress in the morning & get ready for bed in the evening.

What happens for the rest of the day?

Time for some straight talking. "Mum, I'm not a horrible daughter at all. I do x,y and z for you, on top of having to do a,b and c in my own life. I do this without complaining because I care about you, but if this isn't enough, and you think I'm horrible, then it's no good either us carrying on. So you need to have a think about whether it is enough, in which case you stop complaining, because this upsets me and makes me stressed, or whether you'd prefer to get in help or rely on your son. Let me know what you think"

OP is a single mum with two children under six and you are telling her that she needs to do more for her mum? Why aren't you suggesting that her lazy brother who lives with their mum and sleeps until late every day steps up to help his mum?

OP doesn't expect her children to give up their lives to care for her when she is elderly. Having children just so you have someone to care for you in old age, even if you haven't been a particularly kind and loving parent doesn't demonstrate a healthy set of family values to me.

My parents have just taken in my grandma first my uncle and aunty do nothing and second dropping in several times a day to feed, do tablets,toilet,wash etc was draining them more so they made the spare room up. The only solution my uncle and aunty had was put her in a care home but expect my parents to pay nearly 2 grand a week. My mum is going to do the same apply for attendance she got the blue badge a few days ago. Tbh it's only been a month but worked out better because now I live near I pop down with our3 lil ones and look after grandma so mum can do her stuff and ye it's hard isn't it but what can you do with family that don't want to pull there weight either

This.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. your mum is being really manipulative. Has she always been like this?

Your brother should be doing a hell of a lot more. You have enough on your plate.

You say she needs help on the toilet - do you mean each time she goes to the loo? How do you manage that?

It’s all very well her saying she doesn’t want outside help, but you need to think about yourself too, as your mother clearly isn’t.

Your brother should be doing all cleaning etc - he lives there too - plus things like feeding the cat. He needs to think about this round his work/social life, just like the rest of us do!

Can you talk to him? I’d read him the riot act for being a selfish dick.

I’ll go against the grain here and tell you to help her as much as possible. I didn’t help my father as much as I “should have” when he had dementia, I was young and prioritised myself. When he died the guilt crippled me and I am still in therapy for it, 13 years later.
help your mum, she brought you to life. Your children will learn to be selfless by seeing you being one.

A common story unfortunately. Everything expected of the daughter, nothing of the son, same in my family.
In Scotland personal care is free but you are maybe elsewhere in the UK.
I've had to step back from my mother, long story, for my mental health.
She refuses to get a cleaner, doesn't need personal care yet. She definitely has the money, house is an absolute mess. I've tried for years to clean it.
She definitely needs help, contact the GP or social services/ council.
The brother needs to be told to up his game.

She needs a referral to adult social care. They can sort care out (there will likely be a charge) and they usually a have a team who will help with benefit applications and blue badges, sourcing cleaners (again there will be a charge). You cannot do it all alone. Also refer yourself for a carers assessment my LA supports with nights in hotels, money to support your mental health/gym passes.

Like everyone else, I want to reiterate that of course you are not horrible.

But you need to sort this out now, as things won't get better and probably will get worse.

Be clear that your responsibility is to your own small dc, and that, whereas you are willing to help when you can, she has 2 adult dc, one of whom literally lives in the same house as her. There is no way I would be going in to do things for her whilst there is a lazy arsed adult in the house doing nothing.

I would have to tell her I am not available for August, say, and she has the choice of making her son do everything or getting some carers in to help.

Once she has enough support in place, you can come back and offer additional support over and above what your brother and her cleaner / carers do for her.