Gotta laugh - elderly relative. For elderly parents regulars modtly

@Mum5net we've discovered mum has a fine vocabulary of swear words that we never imagined she knew. Plus she can talk to my husband about what a wonderful person 'I' am and then turn to me and call me filthy names! All fun and games

@Lightuptheroom I am sorry to laugh but I just snorted my water reading your post. It took me back ten years ago to when we were in a similar position. Our stories are different but along the same lines .. telling the SW that DF was having sex with teenage boys in a car parked across the road... that kind of thing... looking back I think a younger on-the-ball DM would find all her antics and sayings hilarious. Time does heal. I can now look back fondly rather than with horror.

Ah yes, last year things for my mum deteriorated rapidly. Anyone professional became 'the lady with the laptop' (took some working out whether that was social worker, housing officer, police officer, someone from the council....) Then, she decided that any kind of workmen were not coming in the house (just as the housing association decided they were stripping polystyrene tiles from the ceiling) and that anyone looking remotely like anything professional (including me and my siblings) could be told to f off loud and frequently. She was moved into a home last year after she took to standing outside the local High school and screaming 'tart' at all the girls in their short skirts... that's missing out the bit where the social worker went on leave unexpectedly and 'forgot' to file the care assessment.

Don’t rush to get it sorted, assuming of course the money is there to cover EPICF’s care home costs. Give her time to settle in the home and get comfortable. My mum went into a care home for reablement following a fall. It was late in the Covid era so no longer loads of deaths in care homes but social services not as good as they could be. There were delays getting a social worker to sort out a care plan so, instead of being in for just 6 weeks, it took 12 weeks for a social worker to be assigned. By that time my mum had changed her mind from ‘when can I go home?’ to ‘I’m happy to stay here’. I think that once my mum had settled in, she started to feel secure and much less stressed. She made friends with residents and staff, there were people to talk to and things to do and a constant supply of meals and snacks. What’s not to like?

Result!!!

Hope it all works out, and that you can start to relax knowing she's been properly cared for.

I then made multiple calls to the hospital to try to find out which care company it was. Finally got the name, but no phone number

Would making a serious complaint to the hospital work?

It kind of reminds me of the story about an elderly woman being dropped off at home by an ambulance crew in the middle of the night a few years ago.

Kind of well done for your siblings to make it clear she must cooperate with you, but also boo to them for not actually doing anything practical.

It drives me crazy when people tut, and say 'Well, the families should look after their old people!'

I think a) who on earth do you think is doing it now?

And b) you haven't actually been in this situation, have you? If you had you would know that not all old people are grateful and cooperative.

DSis and I had emergency hospital bags for DM & DF stashed in their house.
We also kept knickers and toothbrushes and chargers in our own cars.
Eventually you see a pattern ...

Absolutely this.
Staying in the game means they gamble with unrealistic choices or decisions which in itself is more evidence they are struggling.
It can't be any fun for them.
But they do wreak misery on everyone else.

I suspect this is my mother's game.
Make a hash of either living at home (which she clearly can't manage any more) or in her new sheltered flat (and there is no reason why she cannot manage here).
Therefore the only option (in her mind) is to move in with my sister.

Honestly, it’s so hard. I feel for you. Look after yourself. I recognise much from what you say.
I’ve never struggled with my mental health as much as I have these last few years in a similar situation with my DM.

The ceiling might be a blessing. A few weeks in respite while everything is sorted, and they may realise that they have a better life in an environment where care is provided full time.

Perhaps easier than making a permanent decision from the get go?

Assuming the care home is local it doesn’t necessarily need to mean the end of her activities. I know one woman who lives in a CH, runs a car and uses it to get to choir rehearsals etc!

Oh good grief. Working now in a community team that picks up patients discharged from
hospital within 24 hours, I’m so struck by the difference in hospital teams - some are able to imagine what could go wrong at home, some just accept far too much at face value.

i assume you are on the hospital record as next of kin?

OP - I think you're wonderful looking after your 'oldie' as you do! I have three oldies and in no way is it a term of disrespect, it's a loving, jokey name that they prefer to being 'the pensioners' etc. They're not relatives so the choice is fairly limited!

Oh I hear you. It's bloody endless.
Mine today is "the cooker doesn't work".
Yes it does. I would stake my life on it. You have forgotten how it works.

I know. I sometimes think it's a kind of automatic survival response, an instinct to grab whatever they can in an effort to stay in the game for as long as possible!

My other half has a diabetic parent in their mid 80s, they have decided to just wing it and not bother with insulin or measuring blood glucose anymore.
Needless to say that resulted in a trip to A&E.
I suspect it's part of a strategy designed to make my other half feel as if he has to move in to keep an eye on the parent 😶