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Elderly parents
Original poster

Dealing with parents who hate each other but refuse to divorce

39 replies

Om83 · 15/06/2025 07:32

My parents are mid 70’s and have so much contempt for each other it is a very toxic environment. Communication has broken down to a point that is irreparable (other than a few days of civility before it blows up again)

they won’t divorce or live separately- they both love their home where they have been for 35 years and the thought of living somewhere much smaller /worse / starting again is not appealing as is dividing possessions and finances- too overwhelming. Mums attitude is that one of them will be dead soon so live in misery until then… she is desperately unhappy and has mentioned suicide but says she won’t do it as a bad example to set to the grandkids😬

they also want to keep up the pretence of being ‘together’ for family gatherings, but the contempt often bubbles over into barbed comments to each other in front of us all, or one of them will refuse to come because of an argument they’ve had so they are not getting the most out of that arrangement… We used to go on family holidays, and my kids still ask can we all go away together but mum refuses to spend time away with my dad, and I imagine hard to keep up the ‘pretence’ for that long.

they have both done things to hurt each other over the years, so hard to now say who is right or wrong. I used to try to mediate between them, point out different perspectives etc but they are very much stuck in their ways with no willingness to change on either side. I find it upsetting and dread seeing them as it’s so toxic, so have pulled back a little to preserve my own sanity and avoid seeing them where I can, I feel sick when I see my mum calling me as I know it’s an onslaught of rage against my dad.

everything I suggest re counselling (together and solo), mediation, even telling them to divorce with my blessing makes no difference. They do not ‘believe’ in talking to a stranger about their problems or how it could possibly help resolve anything. I’m trying to accept their relationship is down to them and not in my power to change but awful to see them make each other so unhappy, when they could have another 10-20 yrs ahead like this!

Mum doesn’t have anyone else to talk to so off loads about my dad onto me… it has definitely soured my relationship with my dad and we are not very close anymore as I feel like I am betraying my mum even though I can see that she is partly to blame in some situations and says the most horrible things about him. It does help her to off load and she is aware that I find it difficult, she says tries not to but as I said has no one else and will not even consider counselling- it does seem to diffuse her temper by offloading and with the threat of suicide she def needs to release some of her emotions.

I don’t know what to do. They are both in ok health, my dad has a few more issues but are controlled with medications, he drinks too much so will prob be him to go first, unless mum cracks and kills herself before then… I can’t believe I’m even thinking like that and the guilt of thinking that and knowing that I can’t fix it and they will die in misery is too much…

have I missed any other options to help them?
do I just leave them to it??

anyone else been in this situation and how did you handle it?

OP posts:
EmotionalBlackmail · 15/06/2025 08:14

Re the suicide threats, that’s emotional abuse to keep threatening like that. Years ago I had a friend who did this - called 999 once after yet another fraught conversation. They sent an ambulance. She was extremely embarrassed and furious to have to discuss it with medical professionals but it did stop the threats.

I haven’t been in your situation with parents, but I do use grey rock with mine when the conversation gets fraught. Or follow through with natural consequences as I did with 999 and my friend!

Original poster
Om83 · 15/06/2025 08:11

Thanks, yes @FinallyHere I have recently read ‘let them’ which is why I think it’s dawning on me I need to step back. Just very hard to.

def some personality disorders- mum sees things v black and white, there is no other way but hers, holds grudges (didn’t speak to her mum and extended family for about 10yrs), flies off the handle at the smallest slight (GP said something vaguely dismissive about age once to her so they are blacklisted) but I can see she is hurting. Dad I think is a narcissist, can never be wrong, refuses to apologise, lacks empathy, no care for her.

they didn’t always have this relationship- he worked abroad a lot when I was growing up so I think the distance helped! Made mum very self sufficient but since they have been retired he just gets in her way and tells her how to do things she’s been doing her whole life.

it’s hard to put up boundaries as I don’t know how to deal with mum turning her rage on me, and if she doesn’t have me then I feel she will do something awful to herself as her life will have no love/comfort.

part of me is starting to distance myself from that responsibility - let them def helps- if she does decide suicide is the way out, it is HER decision. I’m not fully there yet though. I will look into therapy for myself…

OP posts:
candycane222 · 15/06/2025 08:11

"It's her choice not to separate but it's your choice not to be her unpaid therapist. "

You are feeling responsible, but YOU HAVE NO POWER SO YOU HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITY. As everyone says, boundaries. You can't help them, they won't let you. You can however help yourself. What your mother is/parents are, but sounds like your mother is subjecting you to most of the active mistreatment) doing to you is exceptionally selfish and 100% shit. Don't sit there and take it.

Onelifeonly · 15/06/2025 08:03

Agree with all previous posters. It's their problem and they are adults. They know what the options are and they aren't taking them. Say you don't wish to hear about it anymore. Ignore the suicide threats - more likely emotional blackmail than genuine.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 15/06/2025 08:00

Boundaries boundaries boundaries. Mum I want to support you but I can’t keep talking to you about your marriage as I am your child and while dad isn’t perfect he’s my father and I wouldn’t let him criticise you consistently. I’m happy to support you with speaking to your gp though so we can find someone for you to talk to. And repeat, often, until she stops doing it. And in social gatherings when they are being inappropriate. Mum and dad I think it’s best if you get off if you’re struggling to be around each other and behave in a polite and civil way. Thanks for coming. Hopefully next time we see you it will go better.

shellyleppard · 15/06/2025 07:53

Op I've been in a similar situation with my parents. All I could do was change the subject when my mum started on about my dad. If that didn't work I would say my son needed me and call back another time. Sorry you are going through this but the only salvation for you is to step right back x

FinallyHere · 15/06/2025 07:53

you might find the Mel Robbins ‘let them’ approach helpful for you to disengage

SparklyGlitterballs · 15/06/2025 07:52

You have to be firm with your mum. Tell her you're happy to chat with her but you absolutely won't listen to her offloading about your dad any more. It's her choice not to separate but it's your choice not to be her unpaid therapist. As soon as she starts, butt in with a "stop right there" and suggest changing the subject or ending the call/visit.

Holidazey · 15/06/2025 07:50

Also agree with romdowa and emmaavery.

redboxer321 · 15/06/2025 07:50

My parents are similar. It's a terrible thing to do to your children and negatively effects them for the rest of their lives. If they are anything like mine, they won't even have the ability to acknowledge it. Much of my mother's anger towards my father has gone now because he is ill and the end is in sight.

PP advice is right that you have to try to find a way to step back. Unfortunately that might mean that your mother transfers her rage at you while you are doing that. You then have to remove yourself from that rage ie tell her the call is over and hang up the phone.

You might want to have a look at the role dysfunctional families force children into. It can help you understand. Do you think your parents have personality disoorders btw? Sounds like they might. Again, it can help you understand. But any thing you do now should be for you. Don't let them drag you in to their toxic, co-dependent mess of a marriage any longer. You might find therapy helps although you'll need to find the right therapist. Unless you have proper training or have lived it yourself, it's hard to understand the devastating effect it has on people.

Holidazey · 15/06/2025 07:48

Fwiw, I have in laws like this, and like you, I tried to help - until it dawned on me that it was taking up my thoughts and energy and making me stressed. I now don’t bother. I’ll be polite if they call, but it’s up to them , they’re both adults.

EmmaOvary · 15/06/2025 07:45

Oh and threatening suicide repeatedly is a form of emotional abuse.

EmmaOvary · 15/06/2025 07:44

Your parents are anti therapy but your mum is fine using you as an unpaid therapist, from your post. Sack it off, OP. The phone calls? As soon as she starts on the rage dumping, tell her that you’re not calling to hear about that if she’s not willing to do anything about it. If she persists, the conversation is over.

You can’t make them make good decisions. You can’t help them be happy. The only way you can control this situation is to control how you react to it. And sadly, that may mean fewer meetings and phone calls. They sound totally toxic and selfish.

romdowa · 15/06/2025 07:39

You need to leave them to it and stop being so involved in your parents marraige. They've made the decision to remain together, so they have to live with the consequences. Next time your mother brings it up you simply tell her that if she's unhappy she has other options and that if she wants to explore them you'll be more than happy to help buy until then you can't

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