Dealing with parents who hate each other but refuse to divorce

i had times like this with my parents. I remember constantly as a child my dad moaning about my mum in the car to school or her announcing they were divorcing. We had some great times too but I was always on edge when arriving with my family for an occasion as they would usually be at each others throats until the food was served/wine flowing. My dad worked until he was 80 I think mainly to avoid having to spend too much time with mum. I don’t know why they never divorced but suspect it was financial. I learnt way too much about their relationship than I needed to. Mum loved to confide in me and offload.

Both of their healths declined and Dad has now passed and it’s amazing how mum is rewriting history which we let her do as she’s old and frail now too.

All I can suggest is pulling back with the listening. The suicide threats are terrible. I thought the 999 suggestion was good.

I’ve made a vow never to talk to my kids about my relationship. I would use counsellors or friends.

Completely agree. My mum complained about my dad from me being a really small child. When that happens, even as an adult you don’t quite get that you can just walk out when they do it. Forums like these are invaluable as it shows you what you are “allowed” to do which, if you’ve been groomed and parentified as a parents emotional crutch just does not occur.

some of the stuff my mum used to tell me was absolutely vile. She also could not bear if I showed any sympathy to him, even when he was dying she was furious when I got slightly upset .

What a waste of lives too - I honestly think if all love has gone people in 60s and early 70s should still split up - why live out your likely last 20 years in misery ? I would rather live in a one bed over55s flat than that - a lovely really intelligent lady I know divorced at 71 - bought herself a river view shared ownership in London and is having a ball

My ILs did not divorce although they should have done. I saw the rewriting of history after FIL died; you would have thought the man was a saintly figure given what she said about him. The truth was somewhat different; they could both barely stand to be in the same room as each other.

Your parents both get what they want out of their both dysfunctional and codependent relationship. They are together for their own reasons and none of those involve you or are any reflection on you. You've been trained and otherwise conditioned by both to put their needs first with your own dead last. Your mother in particular has done a lot of emotional damage to you here over the years by using you amongst other things as her confidant; a role that you never asked for or wanted. Both parents here have failed you abjectly.

Toxic Parents is indeed a good read.

It is easy for me to write this too but you really do need to drop the rope here they hold out to you. Stop with listening to their tirades against each other and themselves. Put the phone down on her when either start going on about the other. Make yourself available to them only at set times/days suitable to you; your own family unit could be losing out somewhat here due to your parents taking up some much of your headspace.

@Om83
I’ve had a number of sessions with a psychologist, I’m now having EMDR. The turning point for me was reading ‘Toxic Patents’, which I read on recommendation from here.

I’d say step back as far as you can. They’re adults who’ve made their own beds…
My friends parents are like this, although I’d never know without her saying they are nice as pie with company. I’ve known them 50yrs. She’s always said they wont be happy until the other dies, but both going strong in their late 80’s now despite a few health blips in their 70’s. This could be a long haul OP!

They need to divorce.

What will happen if one or both of them deteriorates physically and mentally? Will they expect you to step in and care for them?

Elderly parents can be very challenging without a dysfunctional relationship in the mix.

Sorry, I shouldn't have doubted anyone's experience.
Apologies for that.

'I mean I know of course they are choosing it but I can only see it as a trapped/helpless choice'

Because that's how they / your mother has always presented it to you. Btw, her threats of suicide are extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive - in particular the little stinger that the only reason she's not actually going through with it is because of the grandchildren. Just awful

I have a very similar situation OP; I’ve had to really distance myself and put in firm boundaries with my mum as I realised how much it was affecting my family (husband and two teens) because I was so tense from it. I was tense whenever the house phone rang, dreading the calls. I hate going to their house as I’m dragged into it from both sides, they behave a little better in public. I felt I had to listen and lend an ear, advise. It was draining, and nothing ever changed. There’s historic DV in their relationship too, which rears its ugly head particularly when fuelled by alcohol (both), but she won’t leave, we’ve tried.
I’ve had lots of therapy over the years, but more recently a different type, which has really helped me ‘see’ I can’t change it.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.

No one is denying it's difficult @redboxer321 and plenty of us who have offered advice do have experience of this it seems. The thing is, you/I/OP do not have to listen to it - the complaints, the threats, the gaslighting.
We can stop the conversation, change the subject, hang up, walk away. It isn't easy and it can feel horrible, but we can do it.

Now that one of my parents is in a care home, everyone seems to be suddenly pretending that they had many happy years together, and the other parent is and always has been a devoted, and now a heartbroken spouse.

That's what I'm expecting.
I think there's lots of well meaning advice on here but if you have lived experience of it, you know it wouldn't work.
I mean, sitting your parents down and telling them you are not going to listen to them any more will likely only lead to them uniting against you and gaslighting you.
Not meant to criticise anyone, just to say it's a more difficult problem than it might appear.

I’ve been there. And still am, sort of.

I know how easy it is as a stranger to give advice telling you to “set some boundaries”, “take a huge step back”. I also know it’s so difficult to do that when you’re emotionally involved, in the thick of it, dealing with two dysfunctional parents and trying to cut off emotional dumping phonecalls, etc.

Now that one of my parents is in a care home, everyone seems to be suddenly pretending that they had many happy years together, and the other parent is and always has been a devoted, and now a heartbroken spouse. A long drawn out illness is giving me too much time to think and reflect and remember how things really were. It’s a head wrecker for sure. Some days I feel like screaming.

I think I unconsciously chose or built a relationship with my DH that is the complete opposite to what I was modelled. And one thing is for sure, DH and I have never and will never put our child through this.

Sounds like you've had a massive wake up call recently OP and good for you. I have absolutely boatloads of sympathy for you. My situation with my parents is very similar indeed. It sounds like you have been carrying this load as your mother's unpaid therapist for your whole adult life (at least). It's utterly miserable and soul destroying, and you need to put a stop to it as others have said

I found psychodynamic psychotherapy extremely helpful - it's a mode of therapy that looks at the impact of your past on your present. From your posts, it sounds like you have been well trained by your mother to consider her needs before your own. That's a lifetime of conditioning, and you can't undo it all by yourself. Having professional support to really understand the impact of your parents relationship on you will be invaluable

My therapist suggested to me that even though my own parents relationship is miserable, toxic, emotionally abusive, codependent etc, they are still both getting something out of it. Living like this is fulfilling a need for them in some messed up way. You have nothing to feel guilty for

What @LurkyMcLurkinson said. Great post.

Consider getting some talking therapy for yourself too…

Oh, OP it's horrible isn't it. I was DM's sounding board after divorce, and DF to a lesser extent.
I eventually managed to say "I don't want to talk about this any more" I was probably in my early 20s and had been listening to it for over 10 years. That was a really hard thing for me to do, but I'm so glad I did.
You do just have to Let Them as Mel says. You can't fix them, and you'll make yourself ill trying.

I can really sympathise it’s really tough to deal with plus all the issues with them getting older too. Decide on some boundaries and stick to them. I can really sympathise with you as it makes me feel so sad that my mum is unhappy in her old age, but I can’t change her decisions.
My mums a similar age and unhappy in her marriage to my stepdad. He’s actually mellowed with age but she’s just very angry about not leaving when she was younger. They have always had a pretty shit relationship.
My mum has started to suddenly tell anyone who would listen all her problems and I started dreaded seeing her, but recently I lost it with her and said she either leaves (she won’t) or needs to get counselling and stop unloading everything on me. She’s been close to leaving a few times but never has.
My mum has been quite shocked I’ve put in boundaries, I’m a complete people pleaser because of my upbringing. I was so fed up with my mum turning everything around on everyone else but her.
An earlier poster mentioned Mel Robinsons let me book. I’m half way through and I am finding it very helpful.
Its such a tricky situation all around, try and disengage as much as possible x

I think the only thing you can do is sit them down (either together or separately) and tell them you don’t want to hear it or witness it any more. So they need to pretend. If they won’t do the responsible thing of divorcing or therapy, then they owe it to you to be protect you from it. It sounds very hard OP, you have my sympathies.

Your mum sounds pretty narcissistic to me @Om83 They certainly sound like narcissistic traits, NPD being quite rare.
She sounds like she has you in her grip as well. Your dad will be hurting too.
I am not suggesting you need to support him, just try to free yourself from your mother's grip. Could your dad be autistic?

Cross post with @EmotionalBlackmail !

It is often advised on here that if someone atarts talking about suicide, to call 999.
You are not an MH professional OP. I think you are, however a victim of prolonged abuse and it is possible that therapy would really help you.