Dad won’t consider moving

I think that anyone that pulled their back and was housebound for a week regularly would be feeling pretty down about it, it must be very difficult to have been very sporty and active and then not be able to be, it's a big adjustment.

This isn't going to go back to "normal" for him and he needs to accept that, it's only going in one direction. You can't make him move, and nor should you be able to, but neither do you have to spend hours on the phone to him comiserating.

Reading between the lines there's some resentment from your side, around his previous choices when he remarried, I'd save yourself, dig into that with a therapist and work out how to hands off it for this next stage best as possible, while striking a balance that works for you. It's not easy.

Same situation for us - if your father can get medical evidence from the doctor that he has poor health you can apply for attendance allowance fir him which gives a payment towards all thegtgjngs in the house he csn not do or maintain ir grass cutting - repairs etc

As for the house. You and your sibling have made sensible suggestions and been ignored. Leave him to get on with it, but remind him the next time he gets injured and it could have been avoided by moving somewhere smaller, easier to maintain or nearer family.

My “D”M is a bit like this. I can understand the socialising but loneliness aspect. Mine doesn’t have the multiple partners on the go but does have a very active social life. Then hates it if she can’t, for some reason, take part in it. It’s like having a toddler who needs constant entertainment. Her social life is considerably more active than mine as I have a full time job and family!

I don’t know if this is the case for your dad, but mine is reluctant to show vulnerability in front of friends and doesn’t want to “put them out”. So it’s fine to have fun and socialise with them,
but she couldn’t possibly ask them to come round to visit if she was recovering from an operation or ask them to pick up some shopping as that would put them out. Can’t even ask them to recommend a handyman or taxi service as they might somehow then feel beholden to do the job themselves or offer her a lift!

If he’s in a relationship with several women then maybe he doesn’t want them to see him as more vulnerable or risk them meeting at his house?

I’ve found the only way to deal with this is sympathise:”Oh dear, that does sound difficult”, then remind that she could use a handyman, a taxi, ask the friends to visit or drop some shopping off etc. I’ve limited the phone calls as everyday would drive me mad!

A stranger on the internet gives you permission to stop thinking you have to fix things for him, and to stop feeling guilty about everything. Good luck!
I am finding the "oh dear yes, that sounds rotten" approach a PP mentioned to be useful. Especially when it's some issue that I've suggested numerous solutions to that have been ignored.

So he is fine when socialising
I think anyone who is injured and missing their usual life is a bit depressed and feels sorry for them selves. But they have someone at home to moan at! He is using you for that!
You haven't said about help.... why isnt this possible. Esp as he could avoid injury....

How would you feel as an adult if a family member told you that ‘you need to
move house’. Absolutely fine to be clear with him what help you’re willing/ able to offer and if you want to explore extra support (could he pay for a private care call in the evening just to check in on him and do a few jobs that need doing)

he is an adult and although it would be easier if he accepted support it clearly isn’t what he wants.

God he has a better social life than me 😂

Well, I guess he needs to act like yhd grown up he is then and he he’d to pay for help when he needs it.

And you need to cut the convo short

I could have written this and then thought my sister had! My dad does have a cleaner and gardener though. We have to watch his commissioning of DIY etc as people to try rip him off with inflated quotes. He has a lot of contact and sometimes turns down our offers of help or dinner out due to his packed social life. He still tells everyone he hasn’t seen a soul all week or heard from relatives. We can’t do any more than we do. We just ‘grey wall’ and ignore the dirty looks his friends sometimes give us. The house won’t fall down in the next few years. We simply have to pick up the pieces.

My DPs refused to get a cleaner in until DM became bed bound, despite me getting full attendance allowance for her previously for just that purpose.

Ultimately if he has capacity then he can live how he likes, unfortunately as an adult DC that is often far from what we feel would be desirable, but it’s not reasonable to expect DCs with busy lives to mow lawns, do basic housework etc. if he has the means to pay for it.

I would maybe work on him to get a cleaner, getting someone into the house is a start. You aren’t going to get him to move at that age, unless it’s due to necessity into a care home. I would focus on trying to introduce small things and you don’t have to pick up the phone and listen for 45 mins every day, put some boundaries in place, it sounds like he has a better social life than I do !

Your dilemma here is that you or he or both of you are assuming that you have the responsibility in this situation, when you have none of the power.

This is obviously illogical. He is giving you no power to tell him what to do THEREFORE you have no responsibility for the consequences.

Read that again!

I doubt if you can persuade him to accept that he is actually old and vulnerable. My Dad was exactly the same. It isn't clear if he is trying to make you responsible for helping him when you talk, or if that is just your conditioning. But I suggest you work very hard on yourself to AVOID problem -solving mode.

I suppose you and sibs could agree to repeat "well Bill has offered you to move near him" every time he complains about his knee etc. But possibly a better idea is to practice sticking to sympathising, and resisting (HARD) the problem solving.

"Oh yes poor you that sounds sore". "Oh bad luck Dad, how miserable" "Sorry to hear you are so fed up".

You say you "have" to call him daily. Do you? Newsflash - you don't! Or does he call you?

If he tries to get you to come up with solutions, turn it back to him. If he suggests something you can't do (basically, anything more than works for you) just say "you know I can't do that Dad" and if he persists, "don't be daft, you have plenty of options as we have discussed a million times. Let me know if you want help once you've decided what to do".

I get you are worried but he is an adult making his own choices. You are not responsible for his well-being, (indeed you cannot be as he is actively preventing you) -he is.

You can't make him move, but you can make yourself less available to take his calls.

He needs support to stay where he is otherwise he'll lose his social life which sounds great. Look at some options and present them to him so he's no overwhelmed by the thought of finding someone. Sounds like he needs a regular cleaner and maybe a handyman.

I think a lot of people struggle with having mainly their own company. So anytime outside of doing their activities they get very lonely. It is not something anyone can fix.

Does he have and wear alarms for falls @DulceDeLeche2Scoops a smart watch either would allow him to call for help. Does he have money for maintenance? Throw it at the house if he does. Hire him a handyman who comes weekly. Get the jobs done week to week.

If he won’t move he won’t move and you can’t fix that either. I think there is a certain amount of acceptance that adult children need to have in these situations, the human instinct for fixing a problem is there but the resistance on the other side is often overwhelming. You need to manage the feelings of guilt this brings up but there is not much more adult children have the power to do once capacity is still there.

Can he afford to get in help such as a Gardner, cleaner, repair man? As a pp said, it’ll also be someone for him to make a cuppa for.

And zero clarity

poor chap sound vulnerable and lonely

My mum refused to move too. She wouldn't leave her garden.

We arranged a gardener one afternoon a week, a cleaner two mornings a week, a weekly taxi to a lunch club, and another to go shopping. A farm foods delivery once a week, All on different days.

It gave her someone to get up and tidy for, kept her in a routine, helped with general maintenance. Dbrother would visit for a weekend occasionally and replace broken paving slabs or fix gates, mend gutters, I'd do indoor stuff like replacing broken appliances in the house.

It sounds more like your df is missing having a live-in companion. Have you suggested he get a lodger?.

Getting some help in sounds preferable to moving. If he moves away from friends he won't be less lonely even if he sees more of the family.

I don’t understand all your contradictions.
However, you need to be very firm with your father. You do need to tell him that he can stay where he is and his children will not be able to visit him because they work full time or he can move. Say this on repeat every time he brings up someone should be helping him/he is lonely. You could also mention that he can get people in to mow the lawn etc.
If he won’t move you have to accept that he is stubborn and his house will deteriorate or he might injure himself badly.

I guess that if I lived somewhere where I was a keen member of the golf and bowls clubs and had lots of friends to lunch etc with, I wouldn’t be keen to move either. If he moves near one of you he will be giving up his whole life - as ever, it might be too late for that.

Moving to somewhere more manageable near him might be worth considering. And otherwise someone, ideally him, needs to spend money to make his current house safer

He doesn’t want to move and you are not going to be able to make him. Does he have funds to pay for a gardener? Cleaner? Fencer? Rat catcher?

As pp said, don’t sugar coat it. He wants to stay in his house, you (& siblings) are unable to physically support that by taking on the chores. So if he insists he is staying, then he needs to buy in help.

Good luck. Old age can make us stubborn ( I am 64 and it’s creeping up on me)

It's very common that by the time elderly people would benefit from moving to a more accessible/suitable house, they are beyond the stage of being able to actually do it. I don't know how you get round it as your dad is an adult with capacity and can make his own decision.

What we try to do with my dad is speak very clearly about these things rather than sugar coat it. Then you might get tiny progress instead of none!