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Elderly parents
Original poster

Dad won’t consider moving

58 replies

DulceDeLeche2Scoops · 12/06/2025 07:33

My elderly dad (a very, very good 90)is stressing me out. I get a daily 45 min phone call from him every day and it’s about the same thing.

My dad is lonely. No one comes near him. What if he had an accident? No one would know. Everyone is out and about having fun, except him.

Well, this is not true. He plays golf twice a week, bowls 3 times a week, goes out for dinner with his mates twice a week, and I kid you not, right now he’s playing 3 elderly women off against each other. All this before I mention his own 3 DC and their families AND his step DC and their families and my cousin running round after him.

That’s not what this thread is about though.

My dad lives in a large 4 bed house with a big garden. He keeps rendering himself immobile for weeks on end because of injuries he’s incurring fixing and doing things. He won’t accept he’s elderly. I don’t live near him and I’ll have to spend hours and hours calling him as he’ll be depressed, crying etc. because he can’t walk, go out, he’s lonely etc. because he’s hurt his back, leg, knee….

My sibling has asked him to move to near him, so his family can help, but he won’t. My dad’s house is falling to bits; fences need mending, rats in the roof, electrics need fixing, it’s not clean, kitchen is a state and more. He’s constantly complaining to me that his DC should be helping him with his house, mowing the lawn, fixing things. We all work FT with families and it’s a job just to get our own stuff done.

I told him last night he needs to move to a smaller place where there’s no maintenance but it’s a hard NO from him.

I only see this getting worse, and feel like I’ve got no option but to just watch it unfold.

OP posts:
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Rictasmorticia · 27/12/2025 09:26

This is typical of the age group who fight hard to maintain independence. However, their idea of independence is relying on relatives or friends to do things for them. It is very hard to make them see reason as their views are so entrenched.

You are right in saying you can only wait for a crisis to force the situation. It really is just a waiting game I’m afraid.

Imgoingtobefree · 27/12/2025 09:18

I think you have to accept that you can’t change him.

The only thing you can change is yourself and your feelings about the situation.
EG grey rock, therapy, low contact etc.

P.s. I don’t feel sorry for him.

WhaleEye · 27/12/2025 09:13

We’ve had the relative staying for Christmas. Refused point blank to go for a walk with us yesterday then had a right moan to their sister over FaceTime that they didn’t get their steps in for the day. It’s definitely glass half empty.

WhaleEye · 27/12/2025 09:10

I have a parent exactly like this. The diary is full but it’s just never enough. Lives 4 hours away. Won’t move. Regularly overdoes it so ends up injured, then it’s the end of the world.
There is nothing you can do except wait for the crisis….

Wintersgirl · 27/12/2025 09:05

Lucyliesdown · 12/06/2025 20:44

Ah

and there we have it

the first 💧

Show quote history

Don't be a dick....

theonlygirl · 14/06/2025 11:58

In what way is he vulnerable and lonely!!! The man has a superb social life.

You know what, some older people just love to moan, the glass is always half empty. In all honestly moving at 90 is zero fun for him or you. He's better off staying where he is, with all his activities and lady friends. Buy in all the help you and your siblings can afford for all the other stuff, if he can't or won't pay for it himself. More than that you can't do.

Original poster
DulceDeLeche2Scoops · 13/06/2025 19:18

Quite sure. My dad stresses him out a lot. Despite this he wants to help him.

My dad is always complaining that he doesn’t do anything for him, then complains he doesn’t want to go out with him. The other day 2 of my siblings DC wanted to go round and see if he was ok because he was immobile but he said no because then my dad would have to host them.

You can’t win. He just called me up to tell me he’s “not spoken to a soul today”.

OP posts:
Celeryindip81 · 13/06/2025 14:29

I feel sorry for the other sibling. Same relationship to him as the Op but lives only 20 minutes away, visits 2-3 times a WEEK and actively wants him to move even closer to her.

Are you sure the sibling has same very negative view and experience of your father as you?

SaxaSoLo · 13/06/2025 14:18

scranonstrangler · 12/06/2025 22:06

This is so mean.

Why are some people on here so unkind when speaking to others. I can’t imagine typing this out when someone is worrying about their parent staying safe.

Show quote history

I agree. Im not sure why some posters are even frequenting ‘elderly parents’; they either have no experience of elderly parents or got the rare ‘Disney’ one!

In amongst the meanness there is some
good advice. You can’t mend his life. You are not his parent. You do what you can and that’s it. My parent says some things to me
that 20 years ago would have had me in floods; I’m a decade in now and the war
wounds have toughened me up. Really, I’m astonished sometimes at my ability to function. They won’t change. I can’t change the situation for them. What they really want is to be twenty years younger. Don’t we all. There have now been too many incidents and too much time for me to be brought down,
because if I go down there is no one else to keep the whole sorry shit show on the road.

Abouttoscarper · 13/06/2025 11:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Hopingtobeaparent · 13/06/2025 10:46

DulceDeLeche2Scoops · 13/06/2025 10:13

Not really Lucy.

2 of us feel the same way- guilt, want to help. The other sibling doesn’t really care. The first sibling lives 20 mins away, and their adult DC live in the same town. They want him to move there so they can be in and out of his place helping out. They do go over and see him 2-3 times a week.

I live 3 hours away.

He’s a bit of a Disney Guy. His friends and step DC see the fun, social, positive guy. We get the loneliness, the anger and the depression.

Thinking about it, I’ve spent the past 3 decades being his sounding board.

Yeah, put a stop to that. The sounding board thing I mean. Sounds like he’s just angry that you’re not falling for his nonsense! Maybe ask him what it’s really about? Might get him thinking?

Like others have said, he can either get help in, he could move and still stay local. He’d rather stay, and that’s his choice.

How would he be if he didn’t have anything to moan about? If he wasn’t moaning about the house, his life, what would he be moaning about instead?

You have no reason to feel guilty. Sounds like your dad needs a firm chat to!

Hopingtobeaparent · 13/06/2025 10:36

DulceDeLeche2Scoops · 12/06/2025 07:33

My elderly dad (a very, very good 90)is stressing me out. I get a daily 45 min phone call from him every day and it’s about the same thing.

My dad is lonely. No one comes near him. What if he had an accident? No one would know. Everyone is out and about having fun, except him.

Well, this is not true. He plays golf twice a week, bowls 3 times a week, goes out for dinner with his mates twice a week, and I kid you not, right now he’s playing 3 elderly women off against each other. All this before I mention his own 3 DC and their families AND his step DC and their families and my cousin running round after him.

That’s not what this thread is about though.

My dad lives in a large 4 bed house with a big garden. He keeps rendering himself immobile for weeks on end because of injuries he’s incurring fixing and doing things. He won’t accept he’s elderly. I don’t live near him and I’ll have to spend hours and hours calling him as he’ll be depressed, crying etc. because he can’t walk, go out, he’s lonely etc. because he’s hurt his back, leg, knee….

My sibling has asked him to move to near him, so his family can help, but he won’t. My dad’s house is falling to bits; fences need mending, rats in the roof, electrics need fixing, it’s not clean, kitchen is a state and more. He’s constantly complaining to me that his DC should be helping him with his house, mowing the lawn, fixing things. We all work FT with families and it’s a job just to get our own stuff done.

I told him last night he needs to move to a smaller place where there’s no maintenance but it’s a hard NO from him.

I only see this getting worse, and feel like I’ve got no option but to just watch it unfold.

He can be busy and also lonely. He strikes me as the type of man (generational male ego), where he probably isn’t very honest and open about how he’s feeling to those that he does see.

He is probably depressed and would benefit from some therapy, but I also suspect there is no way he would engage with that either.

Sadly, I think it may just be a case of firm boundaries, being clear as to what is a reasonable expectation of him to have on his family and what is not. And that it is ultimately his choice to stay there and struggle, cutting nose off to spite face almost, or to choose to live in something else more manageable. Frustrating as hell, but sounds like he has the capacity to make what many others would see as an unwise decision. Again, make bravado here I expect.

Good luck!! Hold your nerve!

Original poster
DulceDeLeche2Scoops · 13/06/2025 10:13

Not really Lucy.

2 of us feel the same way- guilt, want to help. The other sibling doesn’t really care. The first sibling lives 20 mins away, and their adult DC live in the same town. They want him to move there so they can be in and out of his place helping out. They do go over and see him 2-3 times a week.

I live 3 hours away.

He’s a bit of a Disney Guy. His friends and step DC see the fun, social, positive guy. We get the loneliness, the anger and the depression.

Thinking about it, I’ve spent the past 3 decades being his sounding board.

OP posts:
Lucyliesdown · 13/06/2025 06:14

Your sibling though must have a very different relationship with him if pleading for him to move closer to her?

Lucyliesdown · 13/06/2025 06:13

how far do you live from him op? Are you in the same country?

so given what you have now revealed about the relationship, take a step away and draw a line under these 45 minute tel cons

Original poster
DulceDeLeche2Scoops · 12/06/2025 22:36

One of my friends recently said that I’ve been “looking after him since I was a teenager, when my mum died”.

I know he’s old, and I know he’s lonely, but OMG, I’m so tired of being the adult in this relationship, rather than the child.

OP posts:
thedevilinablackdress · 12/06/2025 22:10

croydon15 · 12/06/2025 21:31

Your DF won't live for ever and you don't sound very sympathetic.

None of us live forever, I don't expect people to indulge my difficult behaviour just because I live past a certain number of years

scranonstrangler · 12/06/2025 22:06

Lucyliesdown · 12/06/2025 20:44

Ah

and there we have it

the first 💧

Show quote history

This is so mean.

Why are some people on here so unkind when speaking to others. I can’t imagine typing this out when someone is worrying about their parent staying safe.

croydon15 · 12/06/2025 21:31

Your DF won't live for ever and you don't sound very sympathetic.

Twostones · 12/06/2025 21:01

It’s his ischoice to live in an unsuitable home. I’d listen and ask him how he wants to solve it.

Littlepixie75 · 12/06/2025 21:01

This sounds really hard for you OP and even more so if you have had a tricky, strained relationship with your dad over the years. People saying “poor chap” etc and suggesting you are dripfeeding are being a bit unfair to you in my view. You are being very supportive of your dad! Speaking daily on the phone is going above and beyond if you ask me, even if you had a very close and happy relationship with him! And you have come here to get advice, but we all need to get some of this stuff off our chest at times and I think that is the purpose of this forum.

You should cut down the phone calls. I find it’s useful to have a set time in your head and say at the start of the call that you can only talk until such a time as you have such a thing to do then. And then stick to this!

As for your dad being stubborn about moving/accepting paid help, others have made some very sensible suggestions. Particularly making the link between his mishaps and the inability to play golf etc and the fact these mishaps could be avoided if he got someone in to do the jobs.

Lucyliesdown · 12/06/2025 20:44

DulceDeLeche2Scoops · 12/06/2025 20:33

Yep, poor him.

Didn’t spend 1 Christmas with me in 30 years, and his step grandkids used to ask why my DC were calling him grandad.

But, yeah I’m the horrible one.

Show quote history

Ah

and there we have it

the first 💧

DemonsandMosquitoes · 12/06/2025 20:34

His choice to live alone and be lonely and depressed as a very aged man and his choice to continue to do his own maintenance despite knowing the possible consequences of being laid out for weeks on end. Selfish to take the risk and inflict that worry on family.
He’s guilt tripping. Stop ringing daily.
The rainy day is here, time to buy in help. This is what we save for to leave our busy adult DC in the prime of their lives with jobs and families of their own, free of the burden.
What were his plans for coping as he aged?

Original poster
DulceDeLeche2Scoops · 12/06/2025 20:33

Lucyliesdown · 12/06/2025 19:47

Poor chap

His own daughter apparently thinking her very aged father who lives alone and ends up injuring himself when doing maintenance around the house and then being laid up for weeks on end…. is faking it when he says he is lonely and depressed.

Who needs enemies when you have family like this?

Yep, poor him.

Didn’t spend 1 Christmas with me in 30 years, and his step grandkids used to ask why my DC were calling him grandad.

But, yeah I’m the horrible one.

OP posts:
Lucyliesdown · 12/06/2025 19:47

Poor chap

His own daughter apparently thinking her very aged father who lives alone and ends up injuring himself when doing maintenance around the house and then being laid up for weeks on end…. is faking it when he says he is lonely and depressed.

Who needs enemies when you have family like this?