Abusive situation. Please help me think.

Please do report it. Although this is at the relatively minor end of the spectrum of abuse and neglect we manage in adult safeguarding it's not OK.

Does anyone have LPOA for Health and Welfare decisions for your mum?

Be prepared that it won't necessarily result in immediate placement in a care home, if they can arrange for things like liquid meds, more care at home and a carers assessment for your dad they will consider all those options first before removal under best interests. If he has LPOA and refuses a placement they would also have to take it to court as well.

Good luck!

Sorry to butt in, but just to say, the carer cannot intervene in this; it is not their job, BUT saying that, she may report to her seniors, who, in cases, may alert authorities such as social services.
It is clear that your father is at the end of his tether. He may not be a nice man, as you say, but it is clear that your mum needs help more suitable for her requirements.
I think that it is maybe time to get your mum more suitable help such as a home

They will, but will your dad be honest? If you can be there for this appointment, please go - then you know what has been said by all parties. And you can correct untruths.

Report it. It founds like she’s ready for a deprivation of liberty order and will be placed in a care home setting regardless of your dad’s wishes. There are some great ones please report the carer too,

@helpformymumplease GP can step in and check, but the more worrying thing here is a paid for carer doing nothing. Your Dad is clearly not coping, your Mum needs a different approach to supporting her to take her meds. The social care safeguarding team need to know about this ASAP.

Your Dad sounds tricky, but he isn't a qualified carer so GP the better route to checking he is ok. The carer was a dereliction of duty.

It is indeed a can of worms OP.

We had a somewhat similar situation with my PIL. It wasn't around medication, but involved physical abuse of MIL by FIL. DP made the adult safeguarding referral. FIL had some cognitive decline himself and became disinhibited, it wasn't just carer burnout.

MIL ended up being moved to a care home because it wasn't safe for her to stay at home with FIL. There were some hoops to jump through because of her lack of capacity, but once it was deemed in her best interest to move her it all happened pretty quickly.

Three issues- inappropriate medication prescribed; carer burn out; professional carer didn't record it (presumably) or step in.

However, bear in mind your mum chose to stay all those years that she had capacity. I had to remind myself of this repeatedly when DF was ill. DM was an arse but she’s the arse he chose to live with for all those years, accepting her warts and all.

I'm not sure your dad will admit to the GP he is not coping, I would request to the practice that you have a follow up appointment and see what options there are for her.

Agree with this. But also be prepared for the carer to lie and say they didn't witness anything if they have failed in their duty to report. If nothing is done, I'd consider trying to conceal cameras in the house. If this is how he treats your mum in front of two witnesses, I'd be extremely concerned at what he is capable of behind closed doors. I'm sorry I don't have anymore positive to add. This must be so difficult for you.

I would report this to the police to be honest, as it is severe abuse. They will then pass on to safeguarding, and you will then know a full and proper investigation will take place.

That's absolutely horrendous, your poor mother. So vulnerable, and has no voice or agency. If he is already an abusive man, this is not carer burnout. And the care worker needs to be reported too.

Can you go round and be there for the home visit? You don't know that your dad will be truthful with the GP.

You need to speak to the care agency about if this carer had reported this event. And any other past events that have been reported. And if not, why not. You need to speak to the adult safeguarding team for your local authority. Everyone clearly needs more support. And it’s not up to your dad if she needs to go into a home, he doesn’t own her. A court protection order can be applied for to remove her from his care. Who has power of attorney for her?

based on this I would also be putting in a safeguarding referral yourself. It sounds like your mum isn’t able to advocate for herself and your dad may not be open about the difficulties. In addition you were the one who witnessed it, not the GP, so best coming from you.

Well done, you have done the right thing x

Don’t let this drop, please

Adding to all the comments above.

Definitely time for safeguarding, your Mum is at risk.

I would also put in a safeguarding referral relating to the carer. The carer should have put in a safeguarding report herself, or at least reported back to the care agency. If he/she hasn't then they are also putting your mum at risk.

I'm sorry, this must be hideously hard, you must be anticipating your dad making it all really difficult and unpleasant, but you need to advocate for your mum.

What have you actually said to the GP?

When you said before you'd asked for liquid medication repeatedly, who had you asked and what did they say? Sadly just asking often isn't enough, you have to become a nuisance.

Is your mum able to speak for herself at all, or is her dementia too advanced now?

It is understandable @helpformymumplease you are doing the right thing here.

You have done the right thing. Is GP reporting to safeguarding? You can always do this yourself as well but contacting you local councils older persons / adults department.

Agree with everyone that there is a clear safeguarding issue here and that you should report it. It sounds like your dad is struggling and that is coming out in his behaviour. Does he understand why she can’t swallow the tablet? Do you think involving the speech and language therapist who made the recommendations would be useful? If they could provide some accessible information on the risks involved?

That’s awful, but in the meantime phone the GP and tell him she CANNOT swallow the tablet, and they need to stop it, or give her the liquid version..

No you definitely are not overreacting in any way. I’ve seen carer burnout in our situation too and that acceptance that the person needs a home can be very hard to take across the line.

The reality is though long term care of an adult can be gruelling beyond belief. We are eternally grateful to the family member who took on the lions share in our family and we had complaints from the care company about their interactions straying across the line on occasion similar to your own observations but these situations are extremely difficult and sometimes it is easier to see where it is not working from the outside. If your father is not a caring man the problem might be that he is a controlling man and that is a very tricky dynamic to overcome.

You need to report to the safeguarding team asap

also report the carer for witnessing abuse and not acting on this .

i work in this field