Fuming about my mums demands and her audacity

Can I just say that even if you didnt have twins, the point remains.. you have work, a life and commitments where you are. Compressed hours is full time ! It's just longer hours on certain days so you're probably more tired on the non work day too.
If she lived round the corner you could pop in the odd time and give her a hand with things but she's the other side of the country. So the work. Life, kids, commitments locally mean its just not possible.
So nip it in the bud, if she says you're thoughtless then just say "I'm sorry you feel that way but I have a very busy schedule so this position wont change any time soon"

My DM is 71 and still works full time. Early 70s isn't frail in many cases, she's being out of order ignore her!

You have the measure of her, OP.
You have my full admiration for approaching this head on when you can.
Loads of golden nuggets in these replies.
I’d be tempted now to only communicate with her via a group what’s app with your siblings.
Trust your judgment and always put your family first.

Ah god I feel your pain! Mine is as bad. Can you do this, can you do that. Boys are asked to do nothing. Worked like a dog all week. Self employed had a really good week money wise. Mother is minted and then wants to know why I don’t sell unwanted clothes on Vinted. It’s like for fuck sake do you not think I have enough to do. 🙈🙈

You need to say no. She probably thinks you're an easy target. Point out all of the help she can get elsewhere and tell her you're too busy with all those things you've mentioned - twins are crazy busy, especially working full time and studying

I agree with you it's sexism @BernardButlersBra , with a healthy dise of narcissism and anxiety that no one is centering her in their lives due to having built their own. You seem to have your head screwed on properly at least.

I agree with this. I think you would be wasting your time and energy OP, she won't suddenly get it because she doesn't want to. She's only interested in what she wants, and getting you to serve them.

I would try to push back as much as possible and make it clear you won't be running around after her, while she's not that old and can learn to do things like online food shops etc.

"Sorry mum, I have the twins, a full time job and a house to manage so it's just not going to happen. I have my hands full. Let me know if you or auntie need help finding a handyman or a cleaner. "

And repeat regularly

Have you heard of JADE?
Don't try to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself. It helps you avoid getting dragged into arguments. She won’t be interested in your reasoning or want to listen.

Don't respond instantly to messages like this. I always leave mine a few hours if not longer, then you’re not responding in the heat of the moment. Then don’t explain or justify yourself, turn it back onto her.

I would send links to care agencies, Like Home Instead, or something similar. And say you're sorry she is struggling, but these agencies can help her; I wouldn't even mention how full on your life is, she will just brush it away.

She doesn’t care what the ops life looks like, I’m not sure that will help. Op is there to serve this woman that’s what she believes.

Totally feel for you OP - my mum is 70 next year and is the same with the emotional blackmail and learned helplessness. Also refuses therapy.

There isn’t much that you can do - just stay strong, stick to your guns and pray she doesn’t move in down the road from you 😱

You may not do this as you seem to have a really good handle on it but fight the urge to overexplain or justify. A thing which resonated with me when I heard it was that if someone wants to understand then no matter how badly you explain they will but if they don’t you could put hours into the perfect message the perfect words but they don’t want to understand so they won’t.

Of course you can, with the person's consent. I did it for my MIL. Phoned up a home care company and arranged for a care assessment. We met the assessor in MIL's home. She asked questions to ascertain MIL's care needs, then explained what her company could do to assist and agreed a care schedule of carers coming to the house on a daily basis.

Suspected as much 🙄

Has she gone into any detail about finding things too much? I would use this to fact check, i.e. is she finding her hoarder sister difficult, has she realised she isn't as capable as she believed? Is she getting into a financial mess? If there are practical things, a family conversation is needed with your brothers first. If there isn't anything specific, I would use it as an opportunity to suggest she considers support from local groups for activities, telephone befriending etc.

I would literally reply, ‘Do you have any idea what my life looks like right now? I have twins and a full time job’ and leave it there

No one is suggesting to go ahead and attempt to arrange a care assessment, they are suggesting it as a response to someone continually saying they can’t cope when they are also at the same time rejecting all reasonable offers of help and support that the OP can arrange remotely.

Mine was at a similar distance (maybe 5-6 hour drive away), so saw us a handful of times per year. And couldn’t imagine what our lives were like. I got some
advice on here not to run around after her if she did visit - she’d come for a few weekends a year and it would be a nightmare running around after her whims, thinking of food everyone could eat and activities everyone could do - ranging from mostly sedentary elderly person who wanted to talk about themself to energetic toddlers! She wasn’t impressed at having to go along with what we were doing, which meant a lot of time sitting on her own as we were at work, but it did help her realise how little time we had.

I’d also grey rock any comments she makes:
”oh dear, that sounds hard, what did [name of sibling] suggest they could do to help?”
“Did you contact the gardener/handyman/cleaner I suggested? They’d be great for getting x done?”
”That supermarket/pharmacy/taxi firm offers a great service. I sent you their number, didn’t I?”

If you're feeling really brave and up to stirring things up send auntie a copy of the Swedish death cleaning book and some details of house clearance/ decluttering companies or suggest she tries to get on the next series of 'sort your life out'

Really feel for you but you’re right, you do not have the capacity to give her time or money even if you did have the incantation.

I agree with asking her exactly what it is that she thinks she’s struggling with, that way you can offer solutions. My DD also refuses online shopping and said that she can’t carry shopping so we have to take her. The solution, we bought her a shopping trolley.

I also agree with looking at retirement villages and suggesting she moves to one or perhaps she could move on with your DAunt?

You seem to have the measure of her and her sexist expectations of your servitude.

I would be pushing back hard with 'have you asked Fred/Jim to do this?' When she says 'they're so busy' I would say 'I have already told you I am very busy. Is the reason you ignore me because I'm female?'

She wants to bully you into submission. You are going to have to push back hard and repeatedly.

If she keeps going I would be honest with her and say 'mum, I don't have time to do this and your demands are making me not want to see you or talk to you.'

You can't just arrange a Care Act Assessment on someone else's behalf!

Do not give in to the emotional blackmail. It will never end if you do. Great idea to say that you will arrange a care assessment if she can’t cope 😂