Fuming about my mums demands and her audacity

"Ha ha yes mum. In an alternate life where I don't work, have twins, am mid diagnosis for an X condition, and lived round the corner.... I could help a bit more"
"Instead of sitting around thinking about how I could help, and what a disappointment of a daughter I am, how about you remember you have 2 other children, and that you are also capable of organising help and support for yourself outside the family too."

She is a CF. This kind of thing was what finally fractured my relationship with my parents permanently. They used my grandparents for childcare and money all their lives and farmed is out to them and left us behind to go on holidays but never helped me with my children.

The final straw after years of CF was when I was working as a midwife one May bank holiday Monday and it was boiling and very busy. My 4 children inc a baby were at home. All my days off and leave was obvs used to look after them and my own home.

On that day I had missed calls every hour from my mother leaving urgent messages and when I was finally able to phone back she said “we are VERY disappointed in you! We asked you to come and shampoo our carpets and you haven’t done it!!!” I said “have you asked *John?” (my childless brother who worked Mon to Fri 9-5 as a luxury travel agent and went on all expenses paid holidays pretty much every other month to review luxury resorts) and she said “oh no I couldn’t do that - he’s SO busy!” I finally cracked and long story short went low then no contact.

People like your mother and my parents are users and believe they are entitled to be the priority and waited on despite never caring for others. Stand firm!

Do whatever you like see and help your mum out don't that's up to you. But think will I feel guilty that I didn't do more if she dropped dead tomorrow.
If you can answer that question with - no I'd feel like I'd spent enough time saves made enough effort with her then great, carry on as you are. If not then maybe do a bit more.
I'm telling you this as someone who's passing the time on mum's net on the way to hospital to say goodbye to a family member. Luckily I can look back and say I did everything I could to have a good relationship with them.

I think you need to tell her straight and avoid further conversations about this. “Sorry mum, as much as I’d love to help it’s impossible what with the twins, working full time and the distance….” 😣

@BernardButlersBra don't engage. Don't justify otherwise you will spend the next 10 years or more doing this and get drawn into the drama.

I think this response is genius.

I would just start leaving texts and voicemails unanswered for 24-48 hours - you're simply too busy to get to them. This is actually true, if you only have 30-60 minutes to yourself a day (how on earth do you cope?!).

Your situation is so factually incompatible with her demands that it would be quite easy to respond to each and every request with a "I'm afraid I won't have the time to do that for at least 4 or 5 weeks", or "perhaps, when the children are older and i have a bit more time on my hands than 30 minutes a day", or "we just don't have the time for that right now, you'd be better off asking someone else if you need a quicker response than I can give". Just be consistent and the message will eventually get through.

I would actually offer the reasons why I wouldn’t be helping. I would do it by email, if she uses it, so that she can’t pretend she wasn’t told. A very factual “I understand that you would like more help from me but these are the reasons I will not be doing that”. And then I would never entertain the suggestion again “I have already explained that won’t be happening”. Because otherwise this nonsense will keep cropping up and you’ll be trying to justify yourself for the next 20 years.

My aunt was similar
. I had 8 dc and she still tried to make demands of me. And I lived 50 miles away... She ' invited' me one Christmas.. As in come cook the huge lunch and give her carers the day off. I declined as I was due baby on Christmas eve... She never spoke to me again.
She died 2 years later and ft ejr entire estate to her carers...
As was her choice.
Felt no anger or guilt. My own family were my priority.. Shame she never sw that.

Feel no guilt you simply have no hours left to give op.

Some people find it hard to look past themselves.

I wouldn't offer reasons why you can't help. Distance, FT work and toddler twins are VERY obvious reasons you're not available so she's choosing to ignore them. I'd just vaguely sympathise "Sorry you're finding it tough" in this situation. I'd only use "unfortunately I'm working/ don't have spare annual leave right now" when needed as an excuse for a specific request.

Quietly just drop the rope. You have enough to do and not enough time to do it in. Your mother and aunt’s issues are not your problems to solve.

Have a look at the site Out of the Fog OP for more info on that

“D”M not DD 🤦‍♀️

And I’ve never heard of JADE but it’s pretty much what I do. Will go and read up on it thanks. I read about Grey Rocking on MN and I think that technique alone has saved my sanity.

Fuck no. She’s an entitled cow. Vent away, this is the sort of person the MN ‘complete sentence’ was invented for!

It always seems to be the people who were pretty shit and uncaring parents when their adult children were young who have these high expectations that these same children will drop everything, including their own family responsibilities, to run around after them as they age.

There is no way that these cheeky fuckers should be pandered to at the expense of your own family and work commitments. They have obviously always been self-centred and entitled and that won't change.

What a nightmare. My mum is in her early 70s and still works full-time. She doesn’t need any help from me. More the opposite, since I have small kids.

If your mum is in good health, there’s no reason for her to demand so much help from you. Just say no. She sounds quite narcissistic.

@BernardButlersBra What exactly is it that she wants? What things is she unable to do?

Not saying for a minute that I think you should help. I'm just curious. I'm going to take a guess this isn't health related.

my mother is 86 and it took me a long time to realise that the nature of the battle was different than what I had understood. I try and organise things to spend less time there. She tries to organise things so I spend more time there.

Neither parent needed help in their early 70s, but of course everyone's health varies.

Sounds like you need a PA mum. They come for a few hours a week and can help with anything you’ve been struggling with- little errands, sorting cupboards, arranging appointments etc.
Would you like me to send you some numbers?

Why does your Mum also think you need to do the same for your Aunt?