Fuming about my mums demands and her audacity

Mine lives in another country. The latest thing is ordering stuff online that she wants from a specific website. When I was last there , I set up an account for her, ordered some things as well , using my card all good. She doesn’t want to use it herself because she needs to add her card details. That would be fair enough , but she does order shit online from random websites (like fb ads) with no qualms and then moans it’s shit. Now she keeps dropping hints that so and so’s daughter(lives in America) orders stuff online on that website , pays for it and it gets delivered to her mum’s address. Great for them I say , and change the subject. I refuse to engage or do it for her.

Drop the rope before you drop. If you become unwell your family would lose out.

I had this with my DGM. I was a single parent and working full time but apparently I was less busy than my male cousins with wives. She never got it that when her DC were young she had a cleaning and ironing lady, a hands on DH and 2 really good incomes. I had me.

Do NOT get into justifying why you aren’t doing it/ or too busy that should be obvious to anyone, and implies you are failing her or should be doing more. She will run with that to say you never prioritise her.

Just offer stark choices residential care or assisted living on repeat.

Sounds absolutely awful.
I’d get everything written down in one text and not to back and forwards otherwise it’ll drain you.
Generally agree with what pp’s suggest
(1) summarise your work schedule
(2) offer the help you can ie you’ll visit once every 2 months, you’ll arrange a cleaner. Whatever it is you can do but don’t offer something you can’t do as obviously you have a lot on your plate
(3) emphasise the 3rd party support - cleaner, meals delivered, age U.K. lunches for social aspects. And (if you can) offer to help arrange them but make it Clear she need to confirm

then keep mouth shut

‘I understand completely why it feels too much, maybe we should start exploring residential care options’

On a loop, repeated every single time she guilt trips you.

If she hasn't already said it, I would expect she will quite soon 'You'll be sorry when I'm gone' Quite honestly, yes you will be, but there will be another part of you (a guilty part) that will be a bit relieved. Don't fall for the guilt trips, of course she doesn't want to pay for things if she thinks she can get you to do them for free. Point out that when you and your brothers we small, she didn't work full time so has no idea what she's demanding of you.

She doesn’t want to be aware of it, that’s the issue here. She has blocked off all issues except for me, me, me. (And the auntie).

I'd be tempted to ask her what her plans are to support you, since you have twins, a FT job and a health condition and she's still relatively young. Unless of course you think that's likely to result in her turning up to stay for a month!

Have you asked her to specify in real terms what she wants from you?

Ask her what help from you looks like in her world and then respond with direct suggestions to each of her demands and involve your brothers outsourcing specific tasks to them and with ‘No, that doesn’t work for me/us as a family.’

You are doing well so far in protecting your boundaries so keep it up but I can imagine it is draining for you.

I would actually do this.

with a comment that they’ll be taking care of utilities and will have a handyman. Suggest her and aunt can go in together.

and just say that you only just have your heads above water with small children, job, mortgage, illness and are 500 miles away and that the doctor told you to slow down.

she sounds really self absorbed

Don't engage. Reading your OP it sounds like a dynamic has developed where she presents a problem and you take it on by suggesting a range of solutions. Try something different and limit your reply to 'It's a shame you feel that way'.

I think it might be better not to explain yourself again. You have told her numerous times already and she won't listen. At this point explaining and justifying yourself again is akin to begging for her permission, which you don't need.

If she won't respect your decisions or boundaries, then what she really needs to hear is a hard 'NO!'. If she then starts to strop and not talk to you, so much the better. It will give you some peace.

Likewise, if she suddenly drops by, tell her she needs to sort out her own accommodations and entertain herself. A few incidents like that and she won't be trying that nonsense anymore.

Sounds like she’s lonely. She must miss you if you live a long way away. If she lived closer to her own mum, she likely expected to have a similar relationship with her daughter and GC. It’s so much harder long distance, than popping in for an hour or two here and there.

Every time I see my mum, she has paperwork she wants advice on and things to show me. Plus, little jobs she feels awkward asking friends to do, like climbing up to replace light bulbs etc. I know it’s because she doesn’t have a partner to turn to or share things with. Your mum maybe values your advice on insurance and other things, as it can be a minefield to work things out online.

Also sounds like she’s sexist, if she expects more of you than your brothers.

If she has the means, could she come to stay with you (either in your home or in a nearby hotel or holiday flat) for a week once each season so you can spend more time together as a family and help each other out, without you taking leave to visit her. The GC would likely benefit and look forward to grandma’s visits. It’d give her something to look forward to.

Could you speak on the phone once a week, so you can be there for each other without seeing each other in person?

Ah, the narcissist mother. I had one of those. Apparently I spent too much time focusing on my children, and not enough on her. I also had three brothers, much older than me, with no child commitments, but they were also far too busy and important, according to her, she couldn't possibly ask them.

By strong, be consistent. No is an excellent word.

I agree. Make a group chat with your brothers. Forward them all her messages to you and copy them in on all answers.

“Mum you are expecting far too much- I have young twins, am unwell and have a full time job. I could do with help myself- I’m not able to help anyone else at the moment just like you. it’s also very selfish to send me these messages to wake up to on a Sunday morning. Have a think.” That would be my text back and that would be it.

Do not give an inch.
Your aunt is nothing to you and I wouldn't entertain any of this.
Contactvthe boys snd adult care services, I amd drowning in work babies, health issues.

Thats it. No further discussion.
She doesn't add much to your life it seems.

I wouldn't get caught up in making her understand or justifying yourself to her. I'd just look at the basics of what she is saying, that she is not coping.

"Mum, as you know, with twins and full time work and the distance, I'm not in a position to offer support. However I hear you are struggling and need some help. I'd love to help you find ways to get that support. Here are some links to cleaning agencies (or whatever she needs). If that isn't enough support, maybe it's time to think about a supported living arrangements in a village? I've copied brothers into this reply in case they have any suggestions as to how your needs can be better met."

I like the idea of sending a supported living space near a brother. Perhaps send it along with ‘I know you don’t want to hear this mum but I think you need to consider it. I know you love dgc and if you could you would be here every week doing a 9-5 taking them out for the morning and doing their lunch and nap like your mum did for you when I was little and it worries me that you simply aren’t up for that, I think you need to look at one of these places as they are there to provide the help you need.

If reply along the lines of: Sorry to hear this mum but with the twins and work I just don’t have time to help you right now so I’ve asked my brothers if they can give you a hand.

Can you make a family chat with your brothers in and only reply to her through that?

You could say to her that she needs to organize help in her home, by herself and pay for it, OR if she feels incapable of that, she can give you POA and full control of her finances so that you can organize it for her. I suspect she'd back off if you suggest this.

It’s ok to say no, you have to prioritise your own health and family and as a mother it’s very unfair for her to put these demands on you. She sounds very similar to my mother in law, we’ve just had to take a step back from her because of how she is, there’s a lot of mental health problems with her. We don’t use the word “No” enough, such a simple word but so so hard to say, you don’t have to give an explanation after it either if you don’t want to, No on its own in just fine, if she doesn’t like it then that’s tough!

Sounds like she did F all for you and your siblings when you were growing up.

Write down a stock phrase as per suggestions above. Then copy and paste it into each response. If she keeps coming back at you I’d ignore. Along the lines of ‘I’d like to help but it’s not possible with looking after toddlers, working full time and the distance’.

Worst case scenario she’ll get the himp and leave you alone- would that be so terrible a punishment? She and your aunt do not sound like people.

this is what struck me.....you don't need reasons to say no.....you don't need to get together for a family discussion. You owe nothing to these women, not even an explanation...not even a response to the messages that annoy you. If they use the rest of the family as flying monkeys, tell them that too.