Fuming about my mums demands and her audacity

If your mum lives alone, then she probably needs help to see the need to down size which she will probably resist for all sorts of reasons she can’t even express. The stress for her to do this would be enormous on her own without support.
Getting into your 70’s is a scary time when you realise you can’t do as much as you used to and that things are only going to go downhill. She will know she is becoming vulnerable and unable to keep up. She will know there are scammers waiting to take advantage. She will know travel for her will only become harder. She is probably completely absorbed with wondering how she will cope in the future and looking for reassurance, hence the very unreasonable demands on you.

Your own situation is one which means you are unable to offer help in the traditional way she expects of a daughter, -except remotely. Your relationship with her isn’t going to suddenly change for the better but for your own sake, it’s good to avert problems down the line as much as you can now.

It would be wise to set up a meeting with your brothers to discuss your combined ideas of a plan and to arrange POA etc. She is able to live independently for now and hopefully for a good few years longer, but it’s good to have a plan well in advance that everybody agrees on, in case she suddenly becomes ill or has a fall etc. Maybe an old age plan will help settle her a bit more. At least it will let her know irrefutably, what you consider best for her, what is and isn’t possible and why, even if she still prefer you to up and leave your life to serve her needs and those of her sister!

If she won’t downsize, will she agree to close off part of the house and just use three rooms for example …fewer to heat and clean. Or maybe her sister could sell and move in with her. Or maybe you could arrange for a bedroom and disabled bathroom downstairs now rather than later, if you foresee mobility becoming an issue. I’m sure you will have lots of ideas between you all.

In the meantime, maybe your brothers can be responsible for helping persuade her to buy in help for garden, cleaning, maintenance as well as a weekly food delivery which you could talk her through.

Caring for our elderly is a massive problem which isn’t being debated at any level properly nor wiyh any proposed solutions - but it’s so much easier if there is money to throw at practical problems. The important thing is to plan well ahead and be on the same page as your siblings.

As for Auntie, hopefully she has her own adult children to sort her house and old age, so that’s happily none of your business.

Hahaha this

She has a son round the corner. And you have toddler twins and a job and live nowhere near her. It’s downright sexism because you are the daughter!!! All your suggestions are great eg the handyman or supermarket delivery service. She is refusing to help herself

No. don’t bow to this. You are also not in good health.

I don't understand why you even bother to engage with such texts. Just ignore and delete. You live so far away there is no possibility of you getting more involved in helping her or her care. What she thinks or wants does not matter because it is physically impossible for it to happen. Send her photos of the children to keep in touch and visit once every few months or whatever is possible for you given your busy lives.

I wouldn't waste my breath with a long explanation why I couldn't help - just a "No I cant".

You’re a saint for not telling her to go F* herself and changing your number.

It’s not your job to fix her life, provide entertainment and pleasure, facilitate a time table, be her therapist or any number of services dumped on women generally. She is perfectly capable, she raised two children, worked, and had a whole life before you even arrived!

You job is to take of yourself, your well being and that of your own children, your dependents, under the age of eighteen.

@BernardButlersBra sorry but I cannot get over your dm demanding that you need to support your auntie more!! why is she expecting you to do this??? no way in hell would I be running to mothers at the drop of a hat for absolutely no reason when she is still reasonably fit, as for auntie, not my job!

Are you not tempted to reply

“ditto mum. Ditto.
I could really do with support too. Yet here we are”

completely agree. All together now , what are feelings not? Feelings are not facts.

This isn’t based on logic or facts though so it’s no good responding with them. Ops mum knows all these things she simply does not care.

My mum was like this. Telling me she could cope with garden but refusing to get a gardener or refusing to let me find her one either. I told her she had two options - hire someone or leave it. It cost me £30 in petrol to do the journey the her over 4 round hours. She ne happy forme to spend that but not happy to spend £30 on a gardener.

Every suggestion I had was met with "how the F am I supposed to do that?" I ordered her online shopping and paid for it as "where will they park?"

I offered to drive her to her sisters funeral "how the F will you do that?"

Eventually you just turn it around. I replied with your right it's impossible

My mum would prefer our help rather than pay someone else todo it. It is less about the money and more about not admitting she can’t, obviously we’d just be helping because that is what family does not because she can’t.

I have had to be quite clear about what we will and will not do.

You are allowed to say no.

You don't have to explain yourself to us or to anyone else, including her. You don't have to justify it. I know that saying no can seem like a really scary prospect, but in the end all we're really afraid of is that saying no will make us feel bad, and feelings are just feelings, they pass. And a bit of guilt is better than resentment. Taking on a burden of care that you don't have the space for will make you ill.

You've said she's got the means to pay for help, so you don't need to feel guilty, she's not stranded. She's choosing to strand herself. She's an adult, she can make her own life difficult if she wants to. It's not your job to save her from herself.

That's it.

I agree with previous posters who say not to give lots of explanations about why you can't help.

I think one reason why we are tempted to offer the long explanations is that we are subconsciously hoping they will say " Oh of course, that makes total sense, I see why you can't help more. I really understand, don't worry about it".

But of course they aren't actually going to do that.

It may be that as children, refusing to go along with the parent's agenda led to critical and personal attacks and a real fear of the then essential life-and-death relationship being ruptured.This feels horrendous to a child.

When we offer long detailed explanations it may be that we are hoping to avoid the horrible emotions we experienced as a child when we stood up for our own agenda and were criticised and emotionally attacked for it.

As an adult this is still horrible to feel but if we recognise these feelings were "set up" in childhood rather than being totally about what is happening now it can help

As we aren't likely to get the loving, caring supportive response we need from our long explanations it is better to just say something like "I can't do this I have too much going on."

You will probably get the critical reaction that triggers the horrible feelings from childhood but you will still get this even with the longest most careful explanation. Detaching and not expending energy on the response can help.

She is selfish and thinks daughters are there to look after the elders in their old age. Just ignore her. Nothing you do will ever please her. Even if you abandoned your husband and kids and moved in with her, you’d still be lacking in sonething. Live your life and forget about her.

She doesn’t want to do anything for herself despite having the means and good health. It is intrinsically selfish to make this everyone else’s problem, she is a well resourced adult - she can easily move closer to op if she wants to, or hire a little cottage nearby and spend time with her family and GC but she chooses not to. Her choice.

I couldn’t imagine being in my early 70s and good health and wanting to annoy my adult children like that. She’s decided you should do it as you're female. Tell her no

The joys of being a girl I think. All of the expectations fall on us, while the boys are special. I ditched my mother years ago. My siblings can get on with it.

You don't have the resources. Tell her to ask her sons. It's not your problem if she won't. Your pot is full.

I would take this approach - it’s brilliant!

If she’s perfectly fit and able, I would offer her nothing at all. You have so much on your plate, you can’t possibly be expected to care for her when she doesn’t actually need it!

With the distance, I personally would only be visiting x1 or x2 a year!

IME this isn't about not being able to cope it's about feeling lonely and neglected- and the 'excuse' is she needs help with the house etc.

I'd really focus on encouraging her to join things socially, whatever she's interested in .

Early 70s is nothing. I assumed she was at least mid 80s from what you said.

Dear Mum,
This is awkward.
I’m finding things too much too, with the twins, working full time, studying and my emerging medical diagnosis. I was planning on messaging you to ask if you’d be able to give me more support.
If things have got really bad for you then shall we get a care assessment arranged for you?
lots of love,
knackered daughter

Suggest she joins U3A, the WI, or some other groups for retirees, gets out and meets people.

Her behaviour is attention seeking as she's either bored or lonely.

My Mum is/was like this, emotional blackmail and cold shoulders if we didn’t do something, she also really remembers things very differently to how things have happened and things are never her fault.
The only thing that helped was going no contact for about 2 years….. She threw a strop about something, I can’t even remember and then refused to come to a family event I had planned because ‘we would all have a better time if she wasn’t there….’
My young children were gutted and I just couldn’t deal with her anymore.
Covid made us get back in touch with her because she was on her own and we’ve gradually gone back to normal from there, however she knows that there is a limit to what I will tolerate now, my other siblings either have no contact with her at all or very limited visits.
Whenever she used to ask me to do something, which I just wouldn’t get chance to do, I would tell her to get someone in to do it. She would answer that she could pay for someone but the money would ‘come out of the pot’ and she’s obsessed with inheritance. I’ve told her multiple times I don’t care if ‘the pot is empty’ when she passes away.
You have to be firm, mine is local so I give her one day a week which I can do because my children are all at school now, but when they were small (15 months apart) and we were both working we were just about keeping our own heads above water.
Don’t feel bad about not putting up with shoddy behaviour, it’s taken me about 30 years to realise that just because someone is family it doesn’t mean they can behave as they like and treat you badly x

Just reply “and me, I’d love more support. Can you think of anyone?”