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Elderly parents
Original poster

Fuming about my mums demands and her audacity

214 replies

BernardButlersBra · 07/06/2025 10:40

I have woken up to a text from my mother saying she's "finding things too much" and l "need to spend more time giving her and my auntie more support". She lives half the country away from me, retired and lives separately from auntie. They are both in their early 70's. My mums health is good, probably better than mine. Mental health is up and down, l have suggested therapy which she declines. At intervals she takes antidepressants but sneakily stops taking them before discussing with GP or anyone else. I have previously suggested she use a handyman, PA, supermarket food shopping delivery but she doesn't want to. Despite having the means to do so

l have toddler twins, work full time, study and have a chronic neuroimmune condition (still quite new and doctors are trying to figure out my exact diagnosis). My husband and l have barely a minute to ourselves as it is. Apparently l have day off in the week (it's not really a day off as l work compressed hours to do childcare on this day as twin childcare is so expensive). As a mother she's never been the most motivated e.g. when my brother was going to university she "didn't feel like taking him", then tried to make me do it even though l couldn't drive at that point and didnt have a car. Her grand parenting game isn't amazing either -has never changed a nappy or cared for them ever. Only come to visit them 3 times in their lives, her favourite trick is book something and announce she is coming. Then is annoyed we are at work / childcare but then doesn't want to visit late afternoon / evening. I have told her numerous times that we work and the children are in childcare. I have made it crystal clear we have limited annual leave (like most people!) and we have to use most of our leave for when our childcare is closed. We need to plan ahead to make stuff happen which she ignores

For clarity l have 2 brothers -1 lives about an hour from her (he did live abroad for a long time until recently) and the other lives vaguely near me. She will decline to involve them in this demand as "they are so busy". So lm just chilling out waiting to step in?! I'm not saying they aren't busy but why are the expectations on me?! I'm guessing it's sexism. I have been no contact with auntie for a few years due to her rudeness and bad behaviour (she loves to make everting about her especially other people's big occasions e.g. wedding, graduation etc) so why would l assist her?!

I won't be giving in to the demands but l need to ventilate!

OP posts:
Cabbageheads · 08/06/2025 12:37

BernardButlersBra · 08/06/2025 12:36

That's in place and has been since the pandemic. She just messaged me directly outside of the group

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you can lead a horse to water, you can't make it think

Original poster
BernardButlersBra · 08/06/2025 12:36

MyRootinTootinBaby · 08/06/2025 09:41

Can you make a family chat with your brothers in and only reply to her through that?

That's in place and has been since the pandemic. She just messaged me directly outside of the group

OP posts:
BunnyEaster · 08/06/2025 12:34

BernardButlersBra · 08/06/2025 11:33

She won't downsize ever she reckons. Had an extension actually fairly recently -that's a whole separate thread on its own!

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Ah yes the old 'I can't cope with housework, it's too big for me!" Also "I'm only leaving in a box"

So there's there's the impossible solution.

Rather than reply with "you can't have it both ways mum"

Reply "yes it's impossible isn't it?"

I wonder when I have to guard against dong this myself? At some point I think we might mostly turn out like this and I agree it's about forward planning. Ie moving out the five bed house before you hit 80 and become much less able to cope with moving and all it entails.

Cabbageheads · 08/06/2025 12:33

Do you feel like it's really just attention seeking, @BernardButlersBra ?

Original poster
BernardButlersBra · 08/06/2025 12:32

EdithBond · 08/06/2025 09:55

Sounds like she’s lonely. She must miss you if you live a long way away. If she lived closer to her own mum, she likely expected to have a similar relationship with her daughter and GC. It’s so much harder long distance, than popping in for an hour or two here and there.

Every time I see my mum, she has paperwork she wants advice on and things to show me. Plus, little jobs she feels awkward asking friends to do, like climbing up to replace light bulbs etc. I know it’s because she doesn’t have a partner to turn to or share things with. Your mum maybe values your advice on insurance and other things, as it can be a minefield to work things out online.

Also sounds like she’s sexist, if she expects more of you than your brothers.

If she has the means, could she come to stay with you (either in your home or in a nearby hotel or holiday flat) for a week once each season so you can spend more time together as a family and help each other out, without you taking leave to visit her. The GC would likely benefit and look forward to grandma’s visits. It’d give her something to look forward to.

Could you speak on the phone once a week, so you can be there for each other without seeing each other in person?

This is one of the ironies she doesn't especially value or trust my advice. When my husband and l last re-mortgaged then it was tricky to get a deal arranged with the interest rate increase and our childcare costs. I mentioned it vaguely in passing and she was keen to tell me that's not how mortgages work (I.e. the repayments increasing when interest rates increase), l should sort it properly and go to a different bank (in reality we use a broker who got us an ok deal under the circumstances). It's just she doesn't want to do the task herself!

OP posts:
MrsSlocombesCat · 08/06/2025 12:31

Tell her if she doesn't stop the insane demands you will be forced to go no contact.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 08/06/2025 12:25

BernardButlersBra · 07/06/2025 11:55

Can 100% afford it. Would rather l do it

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Unfortunately that is SO common. ‘Why should I have to pay, when I’ve got a daughter to do it?’
And it’s nearly always a daughter, isn’t it, not a son!

Thehop · 08/06/2025 12:23

"Oh mum I'm so glad you've opened this conversation up. I'm finding things too much and wondered what you could do to help?"

"was this meant for Mike or Tony? Assume so as they have fewer time commitments."

"ha ha Thbaks. This really cheered me up. I was finding things really hard and needed a laugh.enjoy all your lovely free time, super jealous."

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 08/06/2025 12:21

Say that you are quite happy to refer her to social services to get a social worker to assess their needs.

Original poster
BernardButlersBra · 08/06/2025 12:21

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 08/06/2025 10:18

Mine lives in another country. The latest thing is ordering stuff online that she wants from a specific website. When I was last there , I set up an account for her, ordered some things as well , using my card all good. She doesn’t want to use it herself because she needs to add her card details. That would be fair enough , but she does order shit online from random websites (like fb ads) with no qualms and then moans it’s shit. Now she keeps dropping hints that so and so’s daughter(lives in America) orders stuff online on that website , pays for it and it gets delivered to her mum’s address. Great for them I say , and change the subject. I refuse to engage or do it for her.

Yep, l get told about Suzy throwing her mum a surprise birthday party. Emma taking her mum on holiday. Claire ordering all of her stuff for her from Amazon
She forgets about Suzy living at home until mid 30's, Emma having 3 days childcare a week from her mum for the best part of a decade!

OP posts:
Cabbageheads · 08/06/2025 12:20

BernardButlersBra · 08/06/2025 12:17

@Fitasafiddle1 exactly, family holiday will just trigger 101 more tasks for me to do. Then there are the politics of flying (she won't want to on her own) or driving (she won't want to drive and we can't fit 3 adults in our car and 2 toddlers in child seats). She will want me to buy all the food and bring it with me in the car etc etc etc. "Because it's easier" -yeah for you but not me

She's already said she thinks we should get a bigger car 🙄. We are locked into a car deal plus don't want a bigger car and don't have a big parking space

Situations like this are why I avoid my mother. I am the sibling who doesn't visit because I know where I would end up if she thought there was any possibility of using me as her home help.

Original poster
BernardButlersBra · 08/06/2025 12:17

@Fitasafiddle1 exactly, family holiday will just trigger 101 more tasks for me to do. Then there are the politics of flying (she won't want to on her own) or driving (she won't want to drive and we can't fit 3 adults in our car and 2 toddlers in child seats). She will want me to buy all the food and bring it with me in the car etc etc etc. "Because it's easier" -yeah for you but not me

She's already said she thinks we should get a bigger car 🙄. We are locked into a car deal plus don't want a bigger car and don't have a big parking space

OP posts:
BlueSkies1981 · 08/06/2025 12:14

I feel your pain. Not in an overly dissimilar situation however I am 15 minutes away and my mother is hugely reliant on me. I work a hugely demanding full time job and do as much as I can. She is a bit older and has physical health needs as well as very poor mental health (undiagnosed as she won’t follow through with any appointments or recommended counselling) Some time ago we applied for attendance allowance which she gets the higher rate due to some of her health needs and with some of this she has a home help twice a week. I take her (and arrange) for all medical appointments and shopping once a week. I have siblings who do nothing- one visits twice a year once not since Covid.

I would encourage her to use resources available to her and if she is struggling she could apply for a care act assessment from the local adult services team however I’m nearing anything that tells me she would be care act eligible (I am a social worker but don’t work in adults). My mother despite her needs is not care act eligible… depending where she is in the country there May be different sources of support. I would see if there is a social prescribing service in her area (often they are called community connectors) as they will know what is available and signpost her etc.

good luck- you are not alone and sadly in some ways I wish I had been able to put more boundaries in! Happy for you to message me if it would help x

LAMPS1 · 08/06/2025 12:09

She won't downsize ever she reckons. Had an extension actually fairly recently -that's a whole separate thread on its own!

Oh dear, if she refuses to downsize, I really hope her extension included a level access disability bathroom and bedroom.
One little fall could change her life in a second. Not only does she need to help herself (diet, exercise, socialising, fresh air, gradually downsizing possessions, something to look forward to) but she needs to plan now to make it as easy as possible for those who would be caring for her.

You can only ignore her petulance, encourage her independence for as long as possible, and make sure you are all on board with an old age plan for her, -whatever that looks like.

BeenzManeenz · 08/06/2025 11:58

No advice. I just feel so sorry for you having a mum like this, she sounds absolutely awful.

I know the word narcissist is a bit overused in these forums, but she does actually sound like one. So hold your ground, and definitely don't let her near your kids. They're better off without her. As shit as that is.

Im surprised you've not gone NC if I'm honest! Although that is a big step.

Motheringlikeapelican · 08/06/2025 11:50

Fight fire with fire?
Send a text explaining that you were wondering if you could ask for more help from her, that you are struggling with health, work and childcare and were hoping she could step up as a grandparent more as you are completely stretched - ' but now I can see thats not really possible'.

This acts like a 'backfire', giving voice to your needs and making a demand on her allows you to set up a firebreak and reason for distancing yourself from her future requests.

Then get your brothers involved. Family meeting/family chat/communication.
'DM feels like this/needs more help, and is asking me - however Im pretty much in the same situation - unwell/struggling/ and needing family help myself. So how can we as a family deal with this?'
All messages and demands from her to a joint group chat so its in the open, all see what is being demanded, 'who can help' and much less opportunity for triangulation and gameplaying. Make helpful suggestions of what you can do from your situation ' I can arrange this service/book x' and no more. Any accusations of you being neglectful and uncaring and its evidenced for everyone in the group - all the things you have suggested and offered despite being under so much pressure yourself.

4forksache · 08/06/2025 11:41

“Mum, I can’t wave a wand and magic up spare hours to help you, but you can spend some money and pay others to help you. That’s the only option here, if you can’t manage stuff yourself.”

Shinyandnew1 · 08/06/2025 11:39

I am yet to reply. I will reply when it's convenient and it works for me. It's going to be short but probably not sweet

Good for you!

Original poster
BernardButlersBra · 08/06/2025 11:33

LAMPS1 · 08/06/2025 11:09

If your mum lives alone, then she probably needs help to see the need to down size which she will probably resist for all sorts of reasons she can’t even express. The stress for her to do this would be enormous on her own without support.
Getting into your 70’s is a scary time when you realise you can’t do as much as you used to and that things are only going to go downhill. She will know she is becoming vulnerable and unable to keep up. She will know there are scammers waiting to take advantage. She will know travel for her will only become harder. She is probably completely absorbed with wondering how she will cope in the future and looking for reassurance, hence the very unreasonable demands on you.

Your own situation is one which means you are unable to offer help in the traditional way she expects of a daughter, -except remotely. Your relationship with her isn’t going to suddenly change for the better but for your own sake, it’s good to avert problems down the line as much as you can now.

It would be wise to set up a meeting with your brothers to discuss your combined ideas of a plan and to arrange POA etc. She is able to live independently for now and hopefully for a good few years longer, but it’s good to have a plan well in advance that everybody agrees on, in case she suddenly becomes ill or has a fall etc. Maybe an old age plan will help settle her a bit more. At least it will let her know irrefutably, what you consider best for her, what is and isn’t possible and why, even if she still prefer you to up and leave your life to serve her needs and those of her sister!

If she won’t downsize, will she agree to close off part of the house and just use three rooms for example …fewer to heat and clean. Or maybe her sister could sell and move in with her. Or maybe you could arrange for a bedroom and disabled bathroom downstairs now rather than later, if you foresee mobility becoming an issue. I’m sure you will have lots of ideas between you all.

In the meantime, maybe your brothers can be responsible for helping persuade her to buy in help for garden, cleaning, maintenance as well as a weekly food delivery which you could talk her through.

Caring for our elderly is a massive problem which isn’t being debated at any level properly nor wiyh any proposed solutions - but it’s so much easier if there is money to throw at practical problems. The important thing is to plan well ahead and be on the same page as your siblings.

As for Auntie, hopefully she has her own adult children to sort her house and old age, so that’s happily none of your business.

She won't downsize ever she reckons. Had an extension actually fairly recently -that's a whole separate thread on its own!

OP posts:
Original poster
BernardButlersBra · 08/06/2025 11:31

Redburnett · 08/06/2025 11:05

I don't understand why you even bother to engage with such texts. Just ignore and delete. You live so far away there is no possibility of you getting more involved in helping her or her care. What she thinks or wants does not matter because it is physically impossible for it to happen. Send her photos of the children to keep in touch and visit once every few months or whatever is possible for you given your busy lives.

I am yet to reply. I will reply when it's convenient and it works for me. It's going to be short but probably not sweet

OP posts:
Shetlands · 08/06/2025 11:30

Good grief @BernardButlersBra your mother is totally unreasonable!

I am in my early 70s and I wouldn't ask my adult children to do anything for me. My daughter works and has young children so she's super busy herself.

I can pay for a cleaner, I pay a window cleaner and for someone to do the heavy gardening work. I do my own decorating but if I couldn't, I'd pay someone else. I do my grocery shopping online and have it delivered. I drive myself around and when I have to give up driving, I'll get taxis (no buses here). In addition, I care for my own mother (95 and disabled) who really does need help!

Please do not cave in to her outrageous demands and don't feel even the tiniest bit guilty. Sending you a virtual hug and flowers. 💐

skyeisthelimit · 08/06/2025 11:25

You just need to rinse and repeat and have a concise reply to do that. You don't need to list everything to her, just "I am unable to do this due to my own family commitments", and then just say it every time. Harsh as it sounds, not everyone is able to run to family and look after them.

Billybagpuss · 08/06/2025 11:23

Yep set up a family WhatsApp group with her and your brothers. ‘Hi guys I’ve just had this from mum, with the twins, work and medical diagnosis I’m not in a position to help, are you two able to pop and help her out. Or mum if it’s really too much, let’s get the OT people out to do a care assessment on auntie cf as it’s shouldn’t be on you to look after her.’

Flustration · 08/06/2025 11:16

The smart thing is to simply not engage.

The tempting thing would be to send her a text saying you are "finding things too much" and that her and your aunt are going to need to step up and "spend more time giving you more support..."

Stepfordian · 08/06/2025 11:11

Personally I wouldn’t even reply to her, she can demand as much as she likes but you’re not her mum or her employee so you have no legal obligation to her, and replying will give her some power. She’s no help to you so it’s not like you’re losing anything either.

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