Fuming about my mums demands and her audacity

She's in her early 70's with good health. What exactly does she need support with? She should be looking to support you. Unbelievable.

I was working FT (like 60 hrs a week plus several hours travelling) when my DM was widowed. Of course I helped her sort out DD's funeral and wake and with paperwork afterwards, but otherwise she cared for herself. She lived nearby and didn't drive so I took her to the supermarket every Sunday and invited her for a cuppa but other than that she made no demands on me till she got dementia,I found a good care home, wrote off my inheritance and visited 2-3 times a week. She was more than happy with that, DH's DM lived alone till 91 and had no dementia and loads of helpful neighbours who would change a lightbulb. She paid a gardener and a cleaner. I respected them both for not demanding the unreasonable from me (DH was MIL's only son, I was DM's only child.

Now we are reaching the age of struggling ourselves but elder DD has two young teens (one ND) and Fibromyalgia, younger DD lives 200 miles away. So apart from asking for a few odd jobs now and again we aim to remain independent for as long as possible. I would not want it any other way.

We are familiar with technology for stuff, capable of paperwork/financial management and long may it last. DH is nearly 79 and has worsening mobility issues so now I do most of the household chores. In short, many of them don't get done! There Is No Alternative (Margaret Thatcher) to us.

Being demanding of your DCs when it isn't necessary does not produce good relationships. And I don't want to go to my grave knowing that I built up bad feeling with my kids. They don't deserve it. I am sure they respect us for it.

It might all change before we know it, but will cross that bridge when it does and make sure our DDs agree with our choices.

Why can't other DPs do the same? Life is not all about them. Not any more.

OP your mum sounds like my parents. I have an older DB who has a lot of time on his hands but they always ask me to do everything for them, despite me having a very senior, stressful job involving overseas travel. They also have the means to pay for help but won’t do it. They drive me nuts. I’m sorry I don’t have a solution for you but you have my sincere sympathy.

Well, it’s clear your brother’s have told her to foxtrot Oscar and now she’s testing the waters with you. She needs to sort out her own care if she’s that infirm, which she clearly isn’t.

I think do what you can. Laughed at my friend when she said oh we happy to help dad. 86. Thing is could be years of caring.. I had take step back our mam is 84. Very tiring. I only manage saturdays. Have our own lives too. My siblings agree. Christ its hard. Im tired enough after work. Im 50s

The way to happiness is through a door marked guilt. You and your own family have to be your priority, she is being completely unreasonable. There lots of ways she could help herself, stand firm.

dear @CosyLemur, just a little helpful punctuation is always useful in enabling recipients to achieve understanding of your meaning.

NIP IT IN THE BUD . you've had some great advice here. Unfortunately they won't change.

"I won't be giving in to the demands but l need to ventilate!"

I'm pleased to hear it. Ventilate away!

Forward message to the group chat with a “Think Mum meant to post this here!”

You ARE guilt tripping the OP and you know you are.

All those people you know who say "if I knew I didn't have long with them I'd have...." can afford to say that because it's easy to say (and do). Of course you'd do everything you could for someone who didn't have long to live because that effort would be temporary. In most people's cases they don't know how long they're expected to disrupt their lives and immediate family in order to satisfy the requirements of their parents.

People can always do more but there's a price to pay. There are costs to your own physical and mental health, costs to your work life, costs to your children, costs to your partner. It's extremely hard to create the right balance between helping your parents and looking after yourself / your children / your relationships. For the one caught in that struggle to find balance, there's the constant risk of getting it wrong and having everyone angry with you because they all feel short-changed.

The OP must put herself first because if her physical or mental health suffers then she can't work properly or be a good parent or partner. There's that phrase often quoted on here: "Don't set yourself on fire in order to keep other people warm."

We all know we could do more for other people but energy & time are finite. There isn't enough to go around so we have to ration it out as fairly as possible, while acknowledging that some people must take priority over others.

It’s a means of showing off to the auntie - look at MY DAUGHTER, helping you out! Then the auntie is beholden to the mother, even though it’s the daughter who is actually doing all the work.

Mine tried this but it was a more distant relative than aunt!

Not guilt tripping just being honest. I know too many people who say "if I knew I didn't have long with them I'd have...."
Only the OP knows fully if she's done everything possible to keep a healthy relationship going. We don't know her or her family. So the best advice we can give is neutral.

Forward her message to that family chat, then add one saying 'Hi Brothers' Names, as you can see mum is asking for more help and I am not in a position to do it having full time work, the twins and being X miles away. Can you pitch in please?'

You've had good advice here. It is frustrating when they refuse to consider options outside you personally doing something? But as pp said, you can and should say no. Doing the above makes the unfairness clear, even if it still isn't addressed.

I am in my early 60s, I give a fair amount of support to my own parents (mid/late 80s). My DM actually does have health/mobility problems, and they both are very appreciative of what I do for them. They helped out with their grandkids when they were little.

I just can't imagine being so demanding with my own DD in 10 years time as your mother is being to you. FGS, she is only early 70s, sounds like she doesn't have physical health problems and has the financial means to solve her problems. I don't really get what she is finding 'too much' and she is being extremely selfish and uncaring towards you. Poor you.

And why she thinks your auntie is your responsibility in any way, goodness only knows.

I'd copy the message she send into the group chat and reply on there

There's always one guilt tripper.

Always reply in the group to help requests. Always.

Add your brother's every time she does that.

I think this is a good approach

I agree with someone up thread who said "oh no sorry to hear it's becoming too much, shall i sign you up for assisted living accommodation for the elderly with or without Aunty"

She doesn’t want help, she wants to control you.
The push back is good, can you help me, or adding brothers into chats.
There is a danger it can backfire, if I asked my mother for a tiny favour (which she wouldn’t do) she would use it as a stick to beat me with for years.

Is she spending a lot of time on her own? I think it gives narcs the opportunity to sit and think too much. MIL used to spend this time creating scenarios which would force DH to visit, rather than asking his brother (DH 3 hours away, BIL 10 minutes). These often backfired on her though.

I don’t suppose there is any chance that her and your aunt could live together is there, sorry not RTFT yet. Just as a way to support each other/distract her.

She sounds like a narcissist.

Stop trying to get her to understand your situation; she never will because she doesn’t want to. Stop exhausting yourself trying to explain. Have a list of stock answers at the ready that all mean no. Leave it at that. If she wants to ask your brothers she will. If they are inclined to help, they will. But you cannot make anyone do anything. My son and his lovely wife have toddler twins and I have no idea how they do it (obviously we love to help out with childcare). Make yourself, your husband and your beautiful babies your absolute number one priority and just let everyone else just get on with it.