Fuming about my mums demands and her audacity

How fabulous. This is the first time I've actually messaged someone who's read her work. You totally get it, and I'm extremely thankful 🙏. Now that she has died, it's so strange that I only remember the odd, good thing she did. Obviously being her daughter, I do look more and more like her, which tbh isn't such a bad thing as she was attractive for her age, but my goodness didn't she know it! People may think I'm repressing a lot of the damage and trauma. but I've been in therapy for years on and off, and have done a lot of reading and research and truly believe I've grieved and moved on. It's a real pleasure to have your understanding.

I have an 85 year old neighbour, out every day, doesn’t drive. She says ‘I’m alone but I’m not lonely’ because she’s put enough structure in place to keep her occupied. Both of her children live hundreds of miles away. She struggles with some bits of technology and I’ve given her a lift sometimes places, but she’d rather get on herself.

My MIL said she was ‘old’ at 50 and then refused to do anything. But would refuse any practical solutions as they were for ‘old people’.
we once stood and had a conversation with a neighbour of hers about all the activities she went to and how she went to see her sister on the train on the other side of the country and how easy it was. Afterwards MIL said she couldn’t do those things as she was too old. She was in her mid 50s, the neighbour was 94. You can’t win with some people.

@BernardButlersBra it’s the deception as well for me. Utterly refusing any external help, refusing to engage with anyone or thing that would help her, me, siblings etc but lying that she expects us to muck in, whilst happily allowing us to do everything ourselves. Zero respect that we have our own lives.

What saddens me is the sheer volume of these parents and the sheer volume of us having to navigate it. It is fascinating really because I do think it highlights personalities. I have other elderly family living near my own mother who go to something everyday. Church things, bingo you name it. They look forward to it and have a great social life. Our mother refuses to engage because ‘it's full of old people’. Yet she will happily/miserably drain us with her moaning. Solutions are never right.

Tough, I'm afraid. The world doesn't revolve around her. You have a busy life with your own immediate family, and don't have the capacity to be running around after her. If she's finding things "too much" as she claims to be, as previous posters have said, signpost her to people/places that can assist her. Don't feel guilty.

Oh god yes no resilience that resonates . Mine when crying to me because she had a cold/cough I thought I was going to die and I’m not soft. Yes you are youve zero resilience and can’t sit with your feelings they all just come out in a big trauma dump on me.

like during Covid I’d FaceTime her every day so she had contact with us. “I can’t cope with this, it’s doing my head in” meanwhile I’m working from home full time with a child just getting on with it as it would never occur to me to moan at her.

my mother is 86 and it took me a long time to realise that the nature of the battle was different than what I had understood. I try and organise things to spend less time there. She tries to organise things so I spend more time there.

@EmeraldRoulette this is incredibly perceptive and very helpful.

Not related to the above, but I have a story that I've shared on MN before: My PIL retired in their late 60s from a skilled manual job (FIL) and from a job as a PA (MIL). Within a couple of years they had become deskilled and dependent on us to help them with the weekly 'big shop', drive them anywhere out of the ordinary and help them with their life admin. They have always been a bit 'old before their time' so we probably didn't question this as much as we should have.

The only respite we had was school holidays when they would go to stay with my SIL, her husband and their 3 young children (oldest 6/7) on the opposite side of the country. Both SIL and BIL worked, but they had a full time nanny. Found out after 18 months of this that SIL's nanny only worked term time and they were providing full-time childcare for 3 children, were insured on their car and merrily driving the children about to the zoo, soft play etc.

DH confronted them and they said they "deserved to be looked after" in their retirement and SIL could have her turn when her children had grown up. The cherry on top was that we both worked FT and 2 of our own children were still in primary school! I do understand that they were just trying to help their daughter and bond with their grandchildren on the other side of the country and probably were genuinely exhausted when they were back home, but I think the fact they'd lied to cover their tracks shows they knew perfectly bloody well how cheeky they were being!

@ThatJadeTiger ahh yes the wonderful Danu Morrigan. I am signed up to her email and I swear every email she sends I wonder if she has been listening in and tailored the advice to my most recent run in with our mother. I have stepped right back for now but no doubt another issue will drag me back at some point. For anyone else needing it here is the link https://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

Thank you. The best resource I ever came across, was a book called ' You're not crazy, it's your mother- for daughters of narcissistic mothers. It was so specific and accurate to my situation, so I can mention it on the link you gave me . Thank you again 🙏. I'm very much over my mother now, but to think people are still suffering and like it says'in a fog' thinking they are the crazy ones!

@ThatJadeTiger if you have not come across this website I will do my monthly public service and direct you to it https://outofthefog.website

Thank you for that. Makes you feel less crazy, and not alone 💕

@ThatJadeTiger there are so many of us on Elderly parents threads with similar stories. I do believe it breaks people. Part of me wonders if we are a generation who will never recover from parents like this. Entitled - yes but also they are quite lazy as people. My parents were life and soul of the party but had/have zero resilience when things went/go off track. They simply do not have any resilience at all but expect to moan at us middle aged frazzled adult kids whilst at the same time utterly refusing to make sensible changes. Lots of other threads on here of a similar ilk.

I couldn't agree more. It took me 30yrs to take this advice. I had 2 nervous breakdowns and a hell of a life. I'm an only Child, and when she left her my alcoholic stepfather, I became her 'husband' her Nurse ( I was actually an RMN ), her counsellor ( I'm one of those too) Her cleaner, personal shopper, sexual health advisor( I'm one of them too), and her pharmacist ..which I'm not. All I ever wanted to be was her DAUGHTER. But it's so bound up in our DNA, it seemed to me at the time that I was there to fix everything, and there was ALWAYS something that needed fixing. With her house, finances, physical and mental health, relationships etc. After many years of trying to understand why this relationship felt so toxic to me, and drained most of my energy, I came to the conclusion she had a NPD .Gosh if I knew that 30yrs earlier, I wonder what my life might have been like. I did marry and have 2 daughters, but that was when she was still with Mr step alcoholic. Carreer wise, was a sad situation, as I had Set up 2 care homes for a company, before opening my own, for adults with serious mental health issues.It was a very successful business, and at the time the city where I then lived needed more homes like this. I'm sure I could have done that, but Mum needed more support( professed to needing more) help than all my residents. I just couldn't do it. I put my Mum first, and lost out in so many ways. If you know someone who has a,NPD, you'll.know what devastation they can cause. I'm not suggesting the OP's Mum has a NPD, but I just wanted to share my story in the hope it may make OP or anyone see the light. My Mum passse away some years ago. We had moved to north Wales, in a cottage in the hills with chickens and 3 dogs, by then. Daughters have their own lives. it's been a long journey, but I'm happy now, I think its important for people like the OP, know what could happen if they feel responsible, start getting involved until their relative sinks their vampire teeth into them and drains the life out of you. Keep strong, Love Hayley ❤️

No no no. The brothers will have had no need. She won't even have expected them to step up, let alone asked them.

She doesn't want to understand your life and your challenges, don't let her guilt trips work. Try a simple "that sounds tough, I hope you get it sorted"
Her problems just aren't your problems. Imagine when she tells you all these issues about not coping, that she's just venting and that nobody expects anything of you regarding them, and respond with words that fit that mentality. You'd not give advice or offer any solutions, you'd simply say something along the lines of "that sounds hard work" or similar. You can be kind and sympathetic without giving an inch of your time or energy to it all. She'll be annoyed, but again, it'd totally not your problem - let her have her feelings and act on them how she sees fit, none of it reflects on you.

Apologies if I’ve caused offence @LAMPS1 and I should have phrased my post more carefully to not do so.

I maintain my view that someone who is capable of organising a new extension is also capable of sorting out a downstairs bedroom and bathroom and probably doesn’t need talking through how to do an online grocery delivery.

Nothing the OP has said suggests her DM is in any more need of support, practical or emotional, than OP herself.

She’s in her 70’s with all her faculties. Why on earth is it her daughter’s (or sons for that matter) responsibility to sort these things out? Many people are still working into their late 60’s. Why the assumption that as soon as one turns into their 70’s all capabilities are lost?
I’m another who would be telling my DM I need more support from her if I was OP.

The mother’s demands are unreasonable. That’s why I said as much in my post which you quoted in full but maybe didn’t read properly. @SaveOurStars

I didn’t say/suggest/assume that ‘as soon as one gets into their 70’s all capabilities are lost.’ I clearly said that she is able to live independently for now and hopefully for a good few years yet. Did you miss that full sentence too?
I suggested that she may need support to come to the realisation that she needs to downsize and also that the 70’s can be a scary time and gave some reasons why that may be so.

The main point of view/advice to OP (which she invited on this forum) was that it’s better to discuss and agree ahead of time, a plan for old age, as a family.

It’s ok to have different opinions @SaveOurStars , no need to disparage somebody else’s contribution in order to make your own point, especially if you haven’t read it properly.

She won't downsize ever she reckons. Had an extension actually fairly recently -that's a whole separate thread on its own!

Well there you go. I’m guessing if she’s capable of organising the building of an extension she’s capable of organising a gardener or a Tesco delivery 🙄

Furious on you behalf OP

She’s in her 70’s with all her faculties. Why on earth is it her daughter’s (or sons for that matter) responsibility to sort these things out? Many people are still working into their late 60’s. Why the assumption that as soon as one turns into their 70’s all capabilities are lost?

I’m another who would be telling my DM I need more support from her if I was OP.

You had me at you work full time and have twins.
You definitely don't "need" to give your Mum or auntie any support- 70 is the new 50-she is just bored and lazy.
You already have 3 jobs- a full time job, mother and running a household-I wouldn't put up with those demands even if I was a SAHM.
Sit her down and tell her that and that your brothers can be no more "busy" than you are. If she wants your aunties house cleared she should do it herself, or get a clearance company-why is it your responsibility, just say no.
If she books to come and see you send her the link for booking.com.
I think the real problem is she doesn't have a life, and her only hobby is messing with yours- just tell her "get a life".

I’d reply
Really sorry to hear that Mum. I know how you feel . Life with full time work ,twin toddlers and a house to run with a health condition feels so overwhelming. I can’t see it getting any better for the next 10 years. My doctor suggested I seek some practical help from family members . The irony of it !

How about assisted living or perhaps for now on line shopping / a handyman / gardener ?
Perhaps brothers could help you investigate?

Offer NOTHING ! You need help not the other way round .