Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Fuming about my mums demands and her audacity

214 replies

BernardButlersBra · 07/06/2025 10:40

I have woken up to a text from my mother saying she's "finding things too much" and l "need to spend more time giving her and my auntie more support". She lives half the country away from me, retired and lives separately from auntie. They are both in their early 70's. My mums health is good, probably better than mine. Mental health is up and down, l have suggested therapy which she declines. At intervals she takes antidepressants but sneakily stops taking them before discussing with GP or anyone else. I have previously suggested she use a handyman, PA, supermarket food shopping delivery but she doesn't want to. Despite having the means to do so

l have toddler twins, work full time, study and have a chronic neuroimmune condition (still quite new and doctors are trying to figure out my exact diagnosis). My husband and l have barely a minute to ourselves as it is. Apparently l have day off in the week (it's not really a day off as l work compressed hours to do childcare on this day as twin childcare is so expensive). As a mother she's never been the most motivated e.g. when my brother was going to university she "didn't feel like taking him", then tried to make me do it even though l couldn't drive at that point and didnt have a car. Her grand parenting game isn't amazing either -has never changed a nappy or cared for them ever. Only come to visit them 3 times in their lives, her favourite trick is book something and announce she is coming. Then is annoyed we are at work / childcare but then doesn't want to visit late afternoon / evening. I have told her numerous times that we work and the children are in childcare. I have made it crystal clear we have limited annual leave (like most people!) and we have to use most of our leave for when our childcare is closed. We need to plan ahead to make stuff happen which she ignores

For clarity l have 2 brothers -1 lives about an hour from her (he did live abroad for a long time until recently) and the other lives vaguely near me. She will decline to involve them in this demand as "they are so busy". So lm just chilling out waiting to step in?! I'm not saying they aren't busy but why are the expectations on me?! I'm guessing it's sexism. I have been no contact with auntie for a few years due to her rudeness and bad behaviour (she loves to make everting about her especially other people's big occasions e.g. wedding, graduation etc) so why would l assist her?!

I won't be giving in to the demands but l need to ventilate!

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Twiglets1 · 15/07/2025 09:06

Just wanted to add my MIL is similar in that she has a great desire to get people to do things for her all the time. She’s in her 80s but since I met her in her 50s, every visit we made to them ( 4 hour drive) there would be a list of jobs she wanted my husband to do for her. She tries it with me too sometimes but it’s mainly aimed at her own children.

The 3 adult children have realised only in the last few years that their mother has strong narcissistic tendencies. My SIL gets the brunt of it as she lives nearby. SIL establishes firm boundaries and MIL used to moan about how unkind she was but we started strongly defending SIL each time so now MIL rarely bothers complaining about her anymore.

Getting those close to you to do things for you constantly is just another way of demanding attention. It satisfies something inside them.

Twiglets1 · 15/07/2025 08:43

BernardButlersBra · 07/06/2025 11:55

Can 100% afford it. Would rather l do it

Show quote history

She’s selfish & showing zero empathy for you.

Early 70s isn’t even that old. Certainly not so old she can’t remember how tiring it is to have toddlers or to imagine having twins.

Im afraid you will need to toughen your stance towards her and your brothers @BernardButlersBra They are taking advantage of your good nature.

Mary46 · 07/07/2025 17:19

Ha ha candle. Tried that she just gets more annoyed. I told her best to outsource big things. Honestly sometimes the more ya do.. I took a step back from it all its relentless.

Candlemidnight · 07/07/2025 16:51

"Sorry - cant help, too busy"
"Sorry - cant help, too busy"
"Sorry - cant help, too busy"
"Sorry - cant help, too busy"
"Sorry - cant help, too busy"
"Sorry - cant help, too busy"
"Sorry - cant help, too busy"
"Sorry - cant help, too busy"
"Sorry - cant help, too busy"
"Sorry - cant help, too busy"
"Sorry - cant help, too busy"
"Sorry - cant help, too busy"
"Sorry - cant help, too busy"

Mary46 · 07/07/2025 16:28

God not nice. Mam pays to get her hedges cut as big garden. I dont get into it as next thing your diy/plumber etc etc. No end to the list.

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 06/07/2025 19:59

BernardButlersBra · 21/06/2025 09:38

Thanks for everyone's insights, suggestions and experiences. Sorry for the slow reply but l had a flare up in my illness and a deadline for a course lm doing so it's been more full on than usual. I texted her back in the end, stating l wasn't in a position to assist and suggesting how about if they tried a PA, gardener, delivery services etc. I didn't get drawn into explaining or justifying my response, combination of l couldn't be bothered, it will give her something to argue about (lots of l am "mean", "after all the things l have done for you" etc etc). I mentioned dates of when l next have annual leave for childminder leave and we will all be available. She texted back a while later not really acknowledging what l said, as ever she's rather avoidant especially when things don't suit

That’s not a good argument from your mum.

Yes, she did have to look after you when you were a kid.
That’s the law!

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 06/07/2025 19:52

BernardButlersBra · 07/06/2025 11:55

Can 100% afford it. Would rather l do it

Show quote history

I’m sure she would, but life’s a shit house!

Be implacable, Bernard.

OneFineDay13 · 26/06/2025 00:07

She is massively unreasonable. Don't give in. My parents would never treat or expect this of me

Original poster
BernardButlersBra · 25/06/2025 23:56

@ThatJadeTiger like l said, your story struck a lot of chords with me! But yes, nothing is ever "quite right" and "someone" needs to suit it for them...

OP posts:
Original poster
BernardButlersBra · 25/06/2025 23:54

@PopCatt her behaviour l could devote paragraphs to! In summary l have always played 3rd or 4th fiddle to her boyfriends / friends / random house projects etc. I'm not going to be "wheeled out" now she's slightly older, especially without an apology from her about her terrible behaviour. She hasn't paid in lm afraid, her behaviour was fairly poor even when l was pregnant with twins / had newborn twins which was quite an intense phase of my life. I'm trying to not way lay the thread too much but she hasn't been the best mother or grandmother. Don't think she really wants to either! But l think she wants 5 star daughter experience from me which lm not giving her -even if l had the ability or capacity to

OP posts:
Laurmolonlabe · 25/06/2025 23:00

I hear you on the idea they just get more like they always were , because at 70 demands don't seem so outrageous (and at 80 they seem quite reasonable). You need to draw boundaries, because this only gets worse.

PopCatt · 25/06/2025 10:51

BernardButlersBra · 07/06/2025 11:42

100% we would all love to outsource the boring or tricky tasks. She's always thinking of tasks for me e.g. clearing aunties house when she dies -l said no and house clearance companies are a thing. Auntie is a hoarder, clearing her 4 bed detached house could easily take a whole years annual leave and numerous weekends. My mum ALWAYS been inclined to be like this, she was the same when she was my age now, l think she thinks being in her 70's gives her more power to do this. I had already decided lm not hosting Christmas this year -lm already sick of running round hosting while people just sit there.

Every 6 weeks doesn't work due to the distance and work. We wouldn't get to leave until after 6pm once we have finished work, collected children and fed / changed children. It's a 3 hour train journey but we couldn't take the double pushchair as it's so big. If we drive then if takes 5-6 hours minimum one way which is a lot of driving for 2 nights. Plus l don't see why she gets to takeover our weekends -l would be annoyed if my MIL tried to do the same

Show quote history

I'm not going to lie, it sounds to me like she's searching for a reason to get you to pay her more attention. It doesn't sound like you see her often (or want to). I don't know if your relationship has been damaged in the past, but perhaps it's time for you to be the "bigger woman" and work towards making it better?

Yes, absolutely refuse to take on caring-type duties, but there are so many ways to keep in touch!

ThatJadeTiger · 21/06/2025 20:13

Can't believe how the 'extension ' story is how my life has been. I've talked about my mum having a npd. It did take me years to work this out. She got my father to build a huge property when I was a baby, but she didn't like it, and blamed it in baby me being too lonely😆 . They divorced when I was 5. My Dad got out, even though it was because of her affair. Ever since she has moved, and moved and moved, hauling her only daughter and alcoholic partner with her, then when she left partner, it just got worse. She actually moved to the property next door because the sun came in a certain room at a different angle. She moved from one beautiful property because the hallway was too dark. We tried everything each time to try and help her. She then had a skylight put in the hallway, to then say she was to
scared as it was a new development and some properties weren't yet occupied. she moved to a grander property down quiet lane. She was so scared there she had to have her ex alcoholic come snd stay at night. In the end we actually swapped properties as she liked my family home as it had a good feel and was on a development. She still wasn't happy and spent the next 20 years looking and viewing and moaning and getting me to do everything practical and health wise, all aspects as she was too ill. Yet she was having a room redecorated furniture and all every couple of months. I did find that exhausting.so sorry to ramble, it was the comment about the extention that really got me going. My mum died in a care home eating up a lot of the inheritance, but the strange thing, despite it being a below average home, was the .most settled I've known her. Prior to that she had moved to a Mccarthy and stone retirement apartment in Oakham. She knew nothing about the town. She lived all her life in a town called lincoln, where her granddaughter ( my daughter) lived. Why would you do this. It's an upmarket town, probably. She lasted 3 years there, but was totally miserable. I supported her until she went into the care home. I can't believe I'm still here to tell the tale. The support of my husband has made it possible. phew, what strange families some of us have!! 😅 xx

EmotionalBlackmail · 21/06/2025 18:29

I found “Why do you think Goldenballs job is more high level/important than mine?” worked well!

RandomMess · 21/06/2025 18:01

Honestly next time I would grey rock with

”You organised for your extension being built, you can sort those things yourself. I am busy in my extremely important high up job and parenting”

Laurmolonlabe · 21/06/2025 17:55

Just tell her you are busy, if she can manage her own social life, she can manage the rest of her life- if she pushes tell her that, you are fine organising fun stuff, you don't need help. When she mentions your brothers working at a high level- just say working at height is dangerous and perhaps they should consider a different line of work!

Mary46 · 21/06/2025 17:14

Same op mine likes to be "minded". 80s. They have oodles of time too. My boundaries tight now if they not I be run ragged by elderly!

Macklemup · 21/06/2025 14:28

Please note the link up of your flare up to the stress you are under and what your mother contributes to your stress.

Mind yourself. Your body is warning you to look after yourself more.

Step back as far as you can from her.

Goalie55 · 21/06/2025 13:21

My MIL was the same. She grew up in poverty but seemed to think she was destined for staff. She complained about every single task she ever had to do like no one else had to do those things. ‘Do you have to go shopping?’ Etc … well yes?
My BIL does talk as he is literally the only person in the country who goes to work and everyone else is just sitting at home. So it’s definitely a personality thing.

Flustration · 21/06/2025 12:38

BernardButlersBra · 21/06/2025 09:13

Yes, my mum has had a thing about "being looked after" for a long long time. It's odd she married my father as he's so not that person. None of her subsequent partners have been either

Show quote history

It's such an odd concept to me because, until that point, all the people I'd known from their generation and the generation before them had been quite the opposite and determined to maintain their independence.

Orangesandlemons77 · 21/06/2025 12:04

Well done for trying to set some boundaries.

user1471538283 · 21/06/2025 12:02

My DM was obsessed with being looked after and babied herself her whole life. She was calling herself a girl at 70. Yet she wanted to divorce the one man who did look after her. From being small my role was supposedly to look after her because she couldn't cope. She too thought she was resilient but she was the least resilient person I'd ever known. I eventually went NC.

Original poster
BernardButlersBra · 21/06/2025 09:38

Thanks for everyone's insights, suggestions and experiences. Sorry for the slow reply but l had a flare up in my illness and a deadline for a course lm doing so it's been more full on than usual. I texted her back in the end, stating l wasn't in a position to assist and suggesting how about if they tried a PA, gardener, delivery services etc. I didn't get drawn into explaining or justifying my response, combination of l couldn't be bothered, it will give her something to argue about (lots of l am "mean", "after all the things l have done for you" etc etc). I mentioned dates of when l next have annual leave for childminder leave and we will all be available. She texted back a while later not really acknowledging what l said, as ever she's rather avoidant especially when things don't suit

OP posts:
Original poster
BernardButlersBra · 21/06/2025 09:28

BlueLegume · 10/06/2025 13:35

@BernardButlersBra it’s the deception as well for me. Utterly refusing any external help, refusing to engage with anyone or thing that would help her, me, siblings etc but lying that she expects us to muck in, whilst happily allowing us to do everything ourselves. Zero respect that we have our own lives.

What saddens me is the sheer volume of these parents and the sheer volume of us having to navigate it. It is fascinating really because I do think it highlights personalities. I have other elderly family living near my own mother who go to something everyday. Church things, bingo you name it. They look forward to it and have a great social life. Our mother refuses to engage because ‘it's full of old people’. Yet she will happily/miserably drain us with her moaning. Solutions are never right.

Yes, the lack of respect is so galling. It's partly what has riled me up so much! That my role is running round after her and my quite young children shouldn't be the priority

OP posts:
Easipeelerie · 21/06/2025 09:22

I know this type. They don’t care to put themselves in the position of others, though they’re happy to complain about them. Meanwhile they have endless capacity to mentally and physically drain them.
There is no reasoning with them and no fully positive outcome. You just have to decide in your own mind what is reasonable involvement for you and stick to that no matter what she says. If that’s not manageable, then no contact.