Grief over dismantling my deceased elderly parents home

Could you just go in and take e.g. the top X items that mean the most to you and you have room for and then get a house clearance company in to clear the rest. It would be quicker so you could get the flat sold faster and a lot less painful for you.

I just wanted to say how beautifully you write of your parents and your family relationship. Be gentle with yourself and remember what a caring and nurturing family you grew up in. As you go, just remember that your parents’ real legacy was love (and love of the arts) so they wouldn’t want you to feel stressed and bogged down by “stuff”. I’ve had to downsize massively myself and I now have one bookcase (Ikea Billy!) with sentimental items on it. It’s very random and I add bits as I unpack. Could you do something like this (in time)? Would others like to choose an item as a keepsake? I know there’s a mountain of other work to do - as others have said, charities (such as BHF) are good for house clearance. For me, I had about three charity shops I donated to and built up a little rapport with staff. Some also have branches specialising in art and vintage. Your family sounds lovely and I’m sure they will be a help and support. If there’s time, tell the object’s story - I had kept a set of fairy lights an ex had bought for me and strung on the tree as a surprise when I couldn’t afford them. I told my adult son as he was helping, he said “that’s lovely mum” took a photo, forwarded to me and out they went! I watched the Swedish death cleaning programme and a woman had a “quilt room” but it was cluttered with other items. They said, but nobody knows the quilts’ stories! She wrote the history (there were two), they had the quilt cleaned and packed in boxes with the letters which then went to two younger relatives.
Finally, don’t consider renting, I think it will break your heart. You will have to make sure the flat is up to the high specs for regulations (no reflection on the flat, needs to be much higher than for ownership) and will have to be very dispassionate. Tenants may not treat it the same as you (not saying they’re bad - I speak as a tenant myself).
Good luck.

I’m sorry for your loss but I hope in time your good memories will sustain you.

in addition to the excellent practical advice above. Try and take photos of rooms and possessions, especially ones you decide to sell or donate. You then have some photographic mementos even if you don’t have them physically.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I was ‘lucky’ that I have two brothers, so wasn’t alone sorting everything out, although one brother didn’t live locally and found it incredibly difficult going to the house anyway.
I still have boxes of things to go through that I just couldn’t bring myself to part with at the time. They’re ’for another time’. Like @OhmygodthepainI too kept the carving knife that my dad would use for the Sunday roast! It still makes me smile when I catch sight of it in the cutlery drawer.
Of course you can’t keep paying bills for an empty flat but I’d say to do things as and when you feel you can manage it. If you feel like you can manage hours there sorting then that’s fine but if after half an hour it’s too much then walk away for a bit.
It’s a horrible time, that’s for sure

I totally understand what you are dealing with but it will probably be best if you rip the plaster off and just get it done.

for context, I emigrated after uni and was living thousands of miles away. I had one evening to sort through my parents stuff when my mum moved into a nursing home. The next day virtually everything that was left was auctioned off. I had half an hour to clear the rest of her belongings after she died.

Altogether I was able to take 6 suitcases worth. Which seems a lot, but represents just a fraction of the belongings they accumulated over a lifetime. And now, as my husband and I are downsizing, I am having to get rid of more of their things.

it is what it is. Accept that it will be painful, and that you may choose the ‘wrong’ things to keep. But there will come a time where it won’t hurt so much, so try and focus on that.

Sending good wishes @Toolea

I'm not in exactly the same situation in that I don't have a house to sell yet, but my mum died recently and I now look after my dad with Alzheimers 3 days a week in the home he shared with my mum.

Im trying to clear out a bit, very slowly. But I find it very hard to constantly see her things around. They had a lot of things that are no longer needed and need to go.

I can so relate to your comment about your heart sinking every time you walk through the door. I feel the dread from the night before I visit.

Good luck with everything, and let us know how you're doing xx

I had to do the same and I understand how difficult it is. I remember men from the local hospice coming to take away the last bits of furniture. I was watching almost in tears and they were so kind and told me how much the donation would help other people. I don't think I really grieved until I had done all the hard work of sorting the house. My long term response is not to leave as much as that for my own daughter to do and get rid of things I don't need in advance. That's difficult too.

I have done this and was very clear on what were their memories and what were mine. So I kept my childhood photos and nice photos of them, and ditched everything else.

Do impersonal stuff first, like China, cutlery, kitchen stuff, bedding. Books can be a halfway house. Once I’d got rid of impersonal stuff, I had piles that were, get rid, keep, and keep for now, but look at later. This has helped, but it has been a slow process.

I have done this and was very clear on what were their memories and what were mine. So I kept my childhood photos and nice photos of them, and ditched everything else.

Do impersonal stuff first, like China, cutlery, kitchen stuff, bedding. Books can be a halfway house. Once I’d got rid of impersonal stuff, I had piles that were, get rid, keep, and keep for now, but look at later. This has helped, but it has been a slow process.

Oh love.

Sorting my mum's house out was the worst bit. You think you've packaged up the grief but then something pops up and opens it all up. For me it was the carving knife. A wedding present that was used every Sunday and every Christmas for slicing the roast.

Even now I have about 20 boxes of stuff in my loft that hasn't been touched in 4 years.

Might be worth asking a friend to come and help you? They can be supportive as well as objective - sadly you can't keep everything, and selling will give you financial freedom (even if emotionally it's a wrench)

It was also about saying goodbye to my family home of 40 years. So many memories.

Take care of yourself op. It's not an easy task.

Dismantling mils and fils home was one of the most emotional things Ive ever done and there were 3 of us dh muself and sil. I cried so much finding stuff she had kept.

I dread my stepdad passing as there will be his and my mothers house to do. Doing mums jewelry was hard enough let alone what was my childhood home.

We went with. Keep our memories not theirs. There is an important difference. You cant keep what was there for their memories as they are not yours. We used a modified mari kondi method. Does it make you smile? Yes - Do I need it? Yes keep.

Does it make me smile? No. Is it good enough to sell/charity shop? And divide this way.