Grief over dismantling my deceased elderly parents home

It's a very good point

There have been some lovely, thoughtful posts on this thread so I am in danger of 'lowering the tone'.

My ex husband's second wife has much of the money that I inherited from my father. I advise you to consider protecting your money in some way.

Oh your post has made my heart ache, I know just how you feel. My mum had kept so much - a million memories collected over a lifetime. I felt like she had put them there just for me, just so I could remember he wonderful life we had together - me, mum, dad and my (very detached) brother.

I took a very long time to sort it all out and sell the house - I had the luxury of not being in a hurry. It took me 9 months. I looked at every photo, every slide. My grandad’s stamp collection and the carefully labelled seeds in the greenhouse. The folders of our school reports, the newspaper clippings.

I kept a lot - especially everyday things I knew I could use and touch every day. Those being me immense pleasure. The enormous ceramic bowl in which we proved bread and hot cross buns, mixed the Christmas pudding or collected currants stripped off their sticky stalks.

It’s the those things I’m so happy I kept - you tend not to look at photos and memorabilia. But every time I use my mum’s best trowel and her roll of garden twine it’s like she is with me.

I cleared my parents home five years ago. Like the op I too was an only child so it was left to me and my dh to sort it out. It was also my childhood home. We managed to get rid of most of the furniture as that had no sentimental value for me, but I did struggle with the books. The ornaments went to a friend who did car boots to supplement her income and we gave away lots of kitchen stuff to a girl who had moved in across the rd and was using freecycle to start her home. She also took a few pieces of furniture.
I kept all the jewellery dad had made mum and still wear some of it. I always wear her wedding ring.
like pp I took photos of the house too.
when the house was cleared and empty I thought I’d be very sad, but honestly I felt relief that I didn’t have the worry of it anymore. It was just a house and your memories go with you.

I'm very sorry for your loss, @Toolea. When I did this, I put quite a lot of effort into researching how to get my parents' possessions to 'good' places but without too much difficulty as I had to do it all on my own. So for example, I gave almost all of their books to a second-hand shop in a historic house they liked to visit and they came and fetched them, then sold them or sent the remainder to pulp to raise funds to maintain the house. I gave a lot away through Freecycle and only had one person on the make. Everyone else told me what they were going to do with the furniture, eg doing up their daughter's bedroom, fresh start after divorce and needing kitchen equipment, and I kept a list. Reading it at the end did make things easier. Taking photos of ornaments has been good (a few years later when I was ready to look). I kept a lot of nice small things that I could use and think of my family, like shoe cleaning brushes and furniture polish, and that's been lovely. I sold the house though I was emotionally very inclined to keep it, and I'm glad I did that. I have kept too many of my parents photo albums etc, and they kept a lot of their own parents things, so at some point I'm going to need to deal with that as no one below my generation is going to want most of it, but it's not easy!

Thank you but sorry you teared up .

@Sunnyday321 what a lovely post, this has made me tear up.

Sorry OP this is hard.
My uncle was in 'charge' of sorting out my nanas place when she passed.
He took out the things that had been promised to people and gave them to the person. Then asked family to come one by one and pick anything they wanted as a keepsake or that they might want or need. Then he asked friends to come and do the same. Finally he asked neighbours. So that things werent wasted, thinks like a tea pot, scarves etc.
He then called house clearance company who took the rest.
I chose her records, a blanket, some photos and a trinket box.
I am a big one for charity shops too, I think if someone can make hse of an item then thats a good thing. Better to be used than sitting in my cupboard getting dusty.

I agree with a pp - when MIL and FIL died, we went through their bungalow and picked up the photos and stuff like little trinkets/stuff from the wall that reminded us of them. I have a little thing of MIL's on the wall of the room I'm currently in. We deliberately went through it relatively quickly, made quick decisions and then got in house clearing people who paid us, rather than the other way around, because they sold stuff that was saleable. Including things like washing machine/tumble dryer which were in great condition, and other furniture. It was less painful this way, rather than revisiting their home over and over and it being weird without them in it.

I saw something on FB the other day and I thought what a great idea. It was a photo of family and stuck on the frame were pieces of costume jewellery that the person had worn. Another idea is to keep some pieces and frame them. I have no idea if your mother wore stuff like this but being arty maybe.

The way I dealt with this was that pieces from the home were given to charity shops to have new life breathed into them and to bring joy to someone else ( as well as charitable funds) . I kept one or two pieces but in later years passed them on too. Best of luck. It's not easy!

There is no way I could do that. In my parents' house there were gems, sentimentally speaking, among the rubbish.

Sorry for your losses. It’s so hard to go through all this.

i couldn’t and just decided what i had to keep and let houseclearance deal with the rest. The good specialist firms will sort for charity, auction etc and it stops everything being a heartbreaking decision.

Try to get your family to help, it's so hard both emotionally and physically.
You can get a house clearance company to deal with it ultimately, if there are any valuables you could get an auctioneer to value them separately. Even old fashioned brown furniture can go in an auction. Charities will collect furniture if it's got fire labels, local authorities take the unsellable for disposal at a small cost. Can you delegate those tasks to a family member?
Get a skip as well for all the rubbish, easier then multiple tip trips.
Take a few precious things to keep, and sell/ chuck the rest. The thing to remember is that now they are gone it's all just stuff really, it's time to let it go. It's wonderful that it was such a happy house with so much love. You can take all the happy memories with you, they are important, not the stuff.
You could use the money from the sale to pay off your mortgage if you have one, or help your children with a deposit, buy a boat or a caravan or a business, put it in your pension even, start a charity or a prize in their memory (would a school art prize be suitable?). Just get it cleared as soon as you can, so it's no longer weighing on you.

i took 300 photos which helped me

Can’t emphasise this enough:

We went with. Keep our memories not theirs. There is an important difference. You cant keep what was there for their memories as they are not yours.

this is such an important emotional boundary and not one that my family ever taught at all. They loved the idea of giving stuff on regardless of how much space we had and it causes a lot of guilt.

I wondered if you really love it at this flat and you’re not tied to location, is there any way of quietly renting your current place out and seeing how you (and your family if your SDs live at home) get on living at your parents for a bit?

Some very poignant and touching posts on this thread that speak of love, affection and precious shared memories. No parents here, and circumstances meant I have never had to deal with this situation, but I am taking it as a timely reminder to start dismantling and sifting through the detritus of my own life so that others don’t have to.

The post about a simple object carrying so much memory weight , ( a carving knife) , reminded me of a dear relatives death, I was asked by her children if I would like mementoes and asked for her rolling pin, it had been one of her wedding presents and used by her for nearly sixty years. Turned out about five people had also asked for her rolling pin, and it didn’t end up coming to me.

If a civilisation can be represented by objects, so can a life, and it isn’t always the big valuable possessions that hold that power.

I feel for you as I had to do this after my father died and somehow he had been left with boxes of stuff from other family members who had died before him.
Absolutely the best advice on this thread is to make decisions based on YOUR memories and not your parents memories. I found myself going through old holiday photos of theirs with people I'd never met and thinking 'I can let these go, because I have no emotional attachment to them'.
Taking photos of things helps preserve the memories - you don't need the physical item.

Do you have any friends who would help? I did it all on my own, and having someone who could even just arrange/ drop stuff at the charity shops would have been so helpful.

Take your time. It's a painful but bittersweet process.
I couldn't make all the decisions at once so ended up bringing a lot to my house and have gradually sorted certain things out.
DH and I had to empty his parents house which was 3 hours drive away - that wasn't fun.
Be kind to yourself.
I rented out my Mum's house but it hadn't been our family home. In your shoes I would empty the flat, tidy it up and sell it.
Use the money to pay off your own mortgage if you have one.

My brother and I did this last year for the house our parents had lived in for nearly seventy years and it's so hard. Echoing others, make a distinction between their memories and yours - I kept photos of us as children but not the ones of just our parents' holidays. My children took pictures of a lot of things and made a photo book for all the close family which was very touching and is a lovely 'new' memory.

I agree with @IleftmybaginNewportPagnell - do not rent out the house. Being a landlord comes with a lot of responsibilities and hassle and is rarely more profitable than investing in S&S ISAs.

I’m really sorry for your loss. It’s very hard when you’ve no siblings to help distribute the load.

when my parents died, my sibling and I just took what we wanted from their house and got house clearance people come in and take everything else away before we put it on the market. The cost of this came from the estate. Much less emotionally wrenching and time consuming. Could this be an option for you?

sending you best wishes. 💐

My father passed away monday 10 months after my mother and he cared for my mam as she had dementia and dad was diagnosed with cancer just 6 weeks ago . Very sad . Married 55 years so like u all a lot of things to sort thru . We are trying not to be too sentimental. I have 2 brothers and the 1 is buying house and my daughter is goin to rent it so we lucky it’s bein left in the family . Thoughts with u all as it’s a very upsetting thing to have to do

I’ve done it twice, once for my dad and once for my MIL. I have to agree, it’s a really awful job.

Is there anyone who can help you? It definitely makes it a bit easier with someone else there. The other thing is to do it in stages. Make a plan. You don’t have to do it all in one go. Give yourself some rest and recovery days in between.

I’m so sorry for you loss. ❤️

I haven't had to do this yet, but when parents have been in the same house for 40 plus years it must be like pulling up your roots (especially as an only as I am, you're the last thing left-the house is almost like a sibling- I'm crying now!)
When you have grown up in a house, every little thing is familiar and part of you, even the worn carpet, light switches! But you're right, hopefully you will feel lighter and free once it is done. Sending you strength and unmumsnetty hugs.
I think the photograph idea is a good one, you don't necessarily need the objects but a photo of the memory will comfort you

My parents had lived in their 3 bed semi for over 50 years , likewise I was an only child .
At the moment your emotions and grief are all wrapped up in their belongings and the building which is completely normal .
If they were like mine , they had boxes and boxes of paperwork . The majority of it I shreaded ( we are talking 10 years of bank statements / investments / receipts etc )

Yes you will have to go through recent stuff but don't get bogged down in it ( you can also get it professionally shreaded as well .

Books are a problem , most are not worth passing to charity as old unless they had first prints which book sellers will be interested .

Furniture no-one is interested , charity won't take if it hasn't got the fire safe labels and dark antique furniture doesn't sell either .

All linens , bedding etc , went to recycling , towels animal rehoming places .

The antique nick nacs/ ornaments I kept but in honesty they went in my loft and are still there many years later . So be ruthless what you bring home .

My mum's jewellery I kept , but again they just lay in the box unworn by me .

Kitchen equipment , some to charity shop , and also tip .

Lots of stuff to tip . Lots of stuff in black bags and put down the side of the house .
Made sure I was around on bin day , and bribed the bin men with money to collect .

Photo albums , oh the photos albums (!) parents never wrote names or places so didn't know where / who they were . I had to be ruthless , most were binned .
Kept family ones , put in new albums , but again they are stored in boxes in the loft , so advice is keep for now but he ruthless in a few years and then get rid .

I kept diaries and notepads with their writing in but a few years later got rid ( although found a place to send diaries as people's accounts of life were being archived , if it's still happening Google it )

The house took about 3/4 months to sell . The week before went around to say goodbye to the house , took photos , had a cry over the memories of Christmases , sat on the back doorstep with memories of sitting there with my mum and shelling peas and of playing in the back garden . All the happy memories of a childhood knowing it's only known by me now as those that shared it are now gone .

I won't lie , it's a hard job and if you can't do it , then you can get professionals in but I found it as almost a healing thing , it's final , you are shutting the door ( literally ) on a lifetime . It's an end of an era .
But in time your loss becomes easier to accept and it's true that life goes on , but in a different way . Take care .

Sorry for the long post .