Forcing care?

Could you do it for your dad though and not her, get him allocated a social worker? The it would be less about her and more about him..

@Lightuptheroom has excellent advice there, and the wording is perfect. Tell your DH to say that his mum will deny everything, so they must make sure that they see your FIL and note his condition.

If it helps you, the language is 'I'm reporting a safeguarding concern' on (date) (time) Mrs x was witnessed telling Mr x blah blah blah. We have concerns for his safety and would like this recorded on his file as a safeguarding alert. We understand that x and y agencies have a duty of care to Mr x

This means that social services HAVE to respond with x amount of hours or days. They HAVE to see the person and complete a report. Believe me when they receive at least one report every day they have to act. A person without capacity cannot be relied upon to give an accurate account of the neglect they are experiencing. The local authority are massively slipping up here if they are providing a care package and allowing your MIL to evade them. Tell your DH to contact his MP and the police if social services fob him off. They have a duty of care end of.

@Lightuptheroom is right. The more agencies / members of the public that are involved commenting worries the better a picture is painted. Has DH or siblings actually spoken to DFil in last few days? Could DFil be more frail these past few days and actually need urgent medical intervention. You need to add these concerns into your emails. Eg DMil refuses to let us know he is awake; literally she gives us no confidence to know he is alive..Dramatic I know but you are at a dramatic stage if his dementia journey is 15 years.
Personally I would be trying to trigger DM to display unusual behaviour to the delivery people so that their safe guarding code kicks in. Can you have their local pharmacy deliver incontinence products privately and hope your DMil’s angry response to these arriving unexpectedly prompts pharmacy personnel to call the SW team.

You really do have to persistently report so that they have a paper trail which then leads to the necessary checks. My parents social worker sent the police round as it was reported that my mum assaulted my dad, she was hitting him with her car keys and he was too proud to tell anyone. She sat in the living room and cackled with laughter. It was the first in a very long line of reports, but eventually built up a picture of what his life was like living with her, yes she has advanced dementia, yes she was eventually moved into a home as it was deemed she lacked capacity, your FIL is in a safeguarding situation which they have a statutory obligation to act upon. We were getting nightly calls from my mum telling us she wanted to stab him etc. I know its very hard but it has to be officially reported. They can even be asked not to say who the reports came from if that's a worry for you. You have to get the professionals to look at this further

All you can do is report your concerns over the phone repeatedly and ask for fil to be checked over and make sure it’s noted that none of the family are helping in any way so if she says they are it’s a lie.

OP, it’s an alien world right now. Who expected to have to navigate emergency at risk social work from 800 miles when you want your absolute family focus to be on DC’s important exams?
DM was sectioned on the day of DD’s most critical exam. DF had a tragic accident a few weeks later when DD’s leavers trip to Crete were assembling at the airport.
The social work team and MH officer who stepped in saw this chaos every day. Along the way you will meet some inspirational people who will get you and FIL and DH out of your current normal to a new position. It won’t continue like this as change is inevitable 💐

I agree

Adult social services will override MIL wishes if things continue deteriorating.
I'm sure that they would be responsible once involved if FIL is suffering.

You literally have to report everything as a safeguarding, by email every time. They can't necessarily force care, but they do have to deal with neglect, be it by putting FIL in respite under a care order etc

I’m so sorry, it’s an awful situation.
You must keep in mind that you can only do so much. X

Is it possible to get one of them into respite care?
Mum may be more amenable to Dad going into respite to give her “a little rest”.
This would get Dad into a situation where his health can be properly assessed.

Hi OP my dad was in Scotland and I in England and I found I could call their social services dept and got a welfare person from the council to sort out attendance allowance, stuff can be done from a distance.

Mine was a bit more amenable to help though, despite having dementia.

In a sense being eight hours away means their local social work team will be in no doubt that you can't help. Are you in a different country to them, OP? For example, England v Scotland. There are slight differences between the English and Scottish (and Welsh and NI) situations for navigating personal care and OPG.

This is good advice. I would however suggest it is a waste of time trying to get deputyship for DFil. From experience the social work team will do their best for him if it is a safe guarding issue and they will intervene.
For the financial affairs, DFil may not survive a deputyship application by the time it all comes through. Presumably, DMil is his next of kin? Do you know if they have wills? If he dies and leaves every thing to DM, your DH will still be powerless and in a bit of a mess trying to help unravel everything.
Often you have to let it all play out, even though you can see a train crash happening.
My DM was under section when DF died unexpectedly, both without POA. It’s an unenviable and difficult route for your DH and you. Sending virtual support.