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Original poster

How to explain to MIL she’s in a care home

61 replies

Meandacat · 25/05/2025 09:49

MIL is in her 80s. BIL lives a half hour drive from her home, DH and I live a hour away but DH doesn’t drive. After a series of events late last year, she was taken into hospital where she stayed for several months before being transferred on the recommendation of social work into care. She has no formal diagnosis… there is no dementia or Alzheimer’s. She does have a history of depression and I have long suspected bipolar but they haven’t diagnosed that either. But at home she refused help from carers but was unable to care for herself, was making silly mistakes (like switching the fridge off) and had started having delusions and paranoia which put her safety at risk.

Since being in the care home she has thrived. She still thinks she’s in a hospital situation and is therefore accepting of the care. She enjoys the activities and is very well, to the extent one might question why she’s even there! She still talks about going home but has refused point blank to accept having carers there. We want her to stay in the care home as it seems to suit her very well and is such a weight off our minds. However, BIL is now talking about selling her home as it’s costing money to keep it. We agree, but don’t want to do this behind MIL’s back.

How can we gently explain to MIL where she is and that it’s not temporary? She is a very stubborn lady and, like many her generation, has a “you’re not putting me in a care home” mentality. We’d let her just coast but selling her home without her knowing feels like a betrayal.

OP posts:
Supersimkin7 · 25/05/2025 10:15

Say it’s a convalescent home for the time being.

NecklessMumster · 25/05/2025 10:15

You need a Mental Capacity Assessment..for this decision, and if she is found to lack capacity for this decision then a Best Interests Decision to be made re where she lives

BunnyRuddington · 25/05/2025 10:15

BunnyRuddington · 25/05/2025 10:04

I’d discuss this with the Home Manager too. If she’s deemed to have capacity she will have to sign documents for the sake of the house?

*sale

Original poster
Meandacat · 25/05/2025 10:14

Thank you. Yes, BIL and DH have PoA so that’s not the issue.

i think those who’ve replied already may be right that telling her could cause distress. We wouldn’t want her to suddenly refuse to accept her current situation.

The proceeds of the sale will eventually be needed to fund her care, so if we do need to explain, that much would be true.

lljkk - you make a very good point re her not being the person she was. That’s is helping DH see this differently.

Replies so far have been a huge help - we just want to do the right thing.

OP posts:
Autie · 25/05/2025 10:11

I work in a nursing home. Lots of residents ask us why they are here, and for how long. If we try to tell the truth they usually either won't accept it or become distressed. They all have dementia, so it's not in their best interests to tell them the truth.

So we tell them "Oh, it's only temporary, it's like a hotel it's because your son/daughter/usual carer is away for a while but they're coming in a few days." And they accept this, every week.

Hadalifeonce · 25/05/2025 10:08

I wouldn't tell her she is in a care home, if she is happy where she is. Agree with PP, tell her it's a private hospital, as she seems to accept a hospital environment.

BunnyRuddington · 25/05/2025 10:04

I’d discuss this with the Home Manager too. If she’s deemed to have capacity she will have to sign documents for the sake of the house?

lljkk · 25/05/2025 10:03

I assume someone has PoA to be discussing house sale like this.

OP is describing fairly significant cognitive decline. She is not the person she was, so who exactly would you be betraying? If she was now the person she was 15 yrs ago, what would she advise you to do with this problem?

FWIW, neighbour had to coax her 95yo dad into staying in a CH, and it took about 2.5 yrs before he would consent in principle to his house being sold. I think it was pitched to him as the proceeds helping his grandchildren and great-grandchildren out & he would always have a home with his adult kids if he really didn't like the CH. His daughter used to take him to visit his home when he asked & increasingly he would just walk in the house for a few minutes then wanted to go back to the much nicer CH where he felt safer & he liked having other people around and things were set up nicely for him... the CH became more familiar than the property he still owned.

LightDrizzle · 25/05/2025 10:01

Has your BIL got a legal financial Power of Attorney and has your mother been formally assessed as lacking Capacity?

If there is no Power of Attorney he can’t just sell her house and you should seek legal advice.

I’d discuss the situation with the care home manager.

AnnaMagnani · 25/05/2025 09:59

If you tell her she will be very upset and not remember the next day anyway. And then you will need to do it all over again.

Do whatever you need to do to keep her safe and contented.

Does BIL have the authority to sell her house eg LPOA? If not, you are all stuck.

Tarantella6 · 25/05/2025 09:54

Realistically is she ever going to accept it? Or is it just a recipe for stress and arguments?

Can you tell her she is in hospital but it's a private hospital which is why it is so nice but sadly not available on the NHS so assuming she wants to stay there, and she seems to be having a great time, there are bills to be paid?