Apologies in advance for lengthy post!
My parents are 84 (DM) and 88 (DM). DM is carer of DF who has undiagnosed dementia (on waiting list for memory clinic, but it is pretty certain he has, confusing time eras, worse at night and in cold weather, getting angry at tiny things, etc), he can barely walk, and some incontinence issues. He is totally reliant on my mum and can't look after himself long term, however is ok for a few hours to let DM go out - at the moment anyway.
They live in a large semi detached nowhere near amenities, stairs and no downstairs loo, won't use taxis, etc (a couple of my previous threads speak at length about this), won't listen if give her any info.
I have spoken to DM who is compos mentus about getting some carers in place, or a social work assessment done. Point blank refuses.
Recently she has been making constant guilt tripping comments about how much my (single with no families) cousins do for their mums, and is open to no help unless it is me doing it. Won't go anywhere unless being personally driven there and back by someone, won't get care in place despite constant moaning, and it took her 4 years to get my dad a walking frame and 3 years to see a doctor about his confusions. She just lives in denial while everyone around her picks up the pieces, and then when crisis point hits, everyone else is to sort it.
She had to spend a night in hospital last month and I stepped in to look after my dad. DH had to take day off his work at short notice to do school runs. Thankfully I was off anyway that day. I have 3 kids, 2 of whom have ASD. I was happy to help out, however nothing has been put in place since for if he has to be left alone again. I will be just expected to jump into action, and I just don't have the capacity to do it with my family and work commitments. But no, she just expects me to do it all and be 'on call' for any dramas. Obviously I am happy to help, but not to the capacity she expects, especially when no outside help is being deployed. She has even made comments alluding to if she wasn't here, I am to take my dad in. We live in a small flat, 2 floors up! She is also wanting me to go away on holiday with them as a carer.
She claims they can manage, yet all I hear is how she can't do this or that anymore, etc. I do feel for her as I know she is 84 and a full time carer, however she does absolutely nothing to help herself or her situation and just wants me to do everything for her and become their carer. I have tried to give her info about local social groups and carers groups, but all been poo pooed. Just doesn't want to do anything to help herself.
Please don't judge me, I am willing to help, but just not the way she wants me to. I am sick of the refusal to do anything, and the guilt trips and moaning. When I do try to help, she poo poos it so at times, I could just run away!