Elderly mother refusing all help and putting it all onto me

Plus they had more children (mostly - the ones who didn’t have children are the ones who DID plan!), who almost all lived within the same few streets, the daughters barely worked after having children and were available in the daytime.

It’s not like they were wealthy - mine didn’t have a car or a phone or central heating, so it’s not some idyllic existence. But they were doing far less juggling and had far more support around.

@EmotionalBlackmail great points. We have no option but to plan

Looking at mine (some now dead!), I think partly they had a very different attitude to planning ahead and thinking about the future. They didn’t do it. But they didn’t have to. The ones that worked (the men, some of the women) got a job on leaving school and then stayed in it until retirement. They often got the job by word of mouth. If they were promoted it was passive - it happened to them. The only way I’ve got a better job is by actively looking for one and applying for it! They had final salary pensions, they paid in, then it paid out when they retired. Whereas I have a myriad of pensions from different jobs I have to make decisions about and keep an eye on - where should I invest (ethical, risky or not etc?), should I transfer them into one scheme? Several of them lived in council housing, so they got a flat and stayed in it for decades, eventually transferring to residential care (in the days when that was easier), whereas now I have to weigh up whether to remortgage for two years or three, and will probably retire and downsize to pay it off eventually rather than expecting to stay there until I’m really elderly.

I was sent to the local school, my DM was astounded we were viewing multiple primary schools, agonising over distances to schools and OFSTED and thinking ahead to secondary.

I can see how it played out for previous generations. They either died in their 50s or maybe 60s from cancer or a heart attack (both the sort of thing that’s much more treatable now), or lived to older but with multiple family/neighbours popping in, better hospital care (ie they kept you in to convalesce) but without the multiple problems and illnesses now. So it didn’t require much planning or thought. It just happened.

My fil has dementia and now lives in a nice care home.
It’s been a long journey getting him there, mostly for my lovely sil, who has done so much for them, bless her.

She was even doing personal care, which my mil was laughing about. I thought it was awful, personally.
That’s a job for a wife, son, or professional, and he refused to have help from the professional.

It’s been nigh on impossible for her to put boundaries in place, retrospectively.
But you can (nicely!) law down the law from here on in.

All the best, OP.

oh my, this is happening to a friend of mine. Her Mum is 88, and back in the day never looked after her own Mother, just left it to numerous siblings. But expects my friend to be there and drop everything continually.

Now my friend is well on the way to what you are going through. Her mum only wants her daughter looking after her and fights against any help that isn't her.

We're old and I honestly will not expect my DCs to do this sort of thing for me. Easy to say but they have their own lives to live. A bit of emotional support, yes, but not continual hands on caring.

I agree. Dp's mum is on her own now with Parkinsons and sight impairment, and there are some forms of help she doesn't want, but she will accept lots of others, and has thought it all through. She's also had LPA for years. She has planned.

I don't think people understand the potential impact of cognitive decline on their own decisions. Whether it's linked to their own experiences of caring for or not caring for elderly relatives I don't know, though it seems likely.

I was pondering the various threads on Elderly Parents and one thing really struck me. It’s seems many of the parents who ‘won’t accept outsiders’ to assist them are also of the brigade who have not made sensible choices about where they live, making their homes appropriate for old age the list goes on.

For those who say ‘you can’t plan’ you can. We downsized in our early 50s to a place we know when there is inevitably only one of us we will be able to manage.

We did this because we want to ensure our kids are not dealing with a massive house, garden etc when we get older.

Yes it was a wrench but everything we did was to make life easier for everyone ourselves included. We got a whole new lease of life getting rid of crap and ensuring we have a space we love and is suitable for us without hard work.

It seems a pattern that stubborn elderly have quite frankly walked blindly into old age assuming their adult kids will just do everything.

@TinyTear you used two words in your post that really stand out to me when we are dealing with these stubborn people. WANT and NEED.

Years I listened to ‘I/we don’t want that. “Ok so what do you want?’

I do think there comes a time when the elderly require a strong conversation about what they NEED in life.

in my situation i am abroad so it's different. but i would NOT leave everything and go and care for a stubborn old woman. what i did was arrange for carers, sorted out a company that came recommended by a cousin, my sister sorted cleaners, they now have 24h care with someone who stays in my old room - fortunately it's much cheaper than the UK in their country

she was also stubborn as hell - saying she didn't want anyone at home, so we started with 8h a day, but then SO MANY complaints about the nights we moved to 24h.

fortunately she took to the carer and he can handle my dad. but i do remind little miss stubborn that even last December she wouldn't even want to hear us talking about carers and now she says she doesn't know what she'd do without the guy.

he is great and keeps me and my sister informed of stuff on whatsapp too.

but what if you got hit by a bus? what if you were in hospital? she would have to accept external help.

i don't know if it's me being ND and my parents having been authoritarian, toxic and things were so bad i moved abroad, but i don't give a shit about what they want - my sister (who is also abroad) and i do what they need.

I work with many elderly patients and the number of times I hear “ oh no I don’t need any help x will do it “ is just phenomenal, she is not alone, but as others have said boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! Don’t be afraid to say the wrong thing and upset her, have stock answers when she is self pitying -“ it’s your choices that Mean you don’t go out/ go on holiday/ don’t have any support etc etc. only you can change that” , “ I am happy to xyz but will not be abc” . Lay it on the line loud and clear. If there is any what about Ely or guilt tripping leave or put the phone down. Simple and direct as you would with a toddler!

Feeling you 100%.

Just to say that putting your children first is not selfish, it is what you're supposed to do.

I personally don't think it's boundaries, it's priorities. It's not that you don't think they deserve help, it's just that for you, your children's needs come first, then very close behind that yourself, then very close behind that is your partner. Part of all that is of course your job, which puts food on the table for your children. Another part is your relationship, which is the basis of your children's and your family life.

It's very hard that they are struggling. What a shame. Isn't it great that they have the money to buy in help, and that you could if really needed help them to talk to agencies. Other than that... well, it's a big month with exams and all that, you look forward to seeing them in a month. Speak soon Mum.

Bear in mind that listening to her moaning and just soaking it up without suggesting things is a job in itself.

Been there got the.t-shirt, the only difference is my mother was 95 when her.problema began last year, so we had an extra ten years on you.
Long story short, after struggling for months after a fall last year, we got carers in, but eventually we had to concede she needed to go Into a care home.
I really hope for your sanity and mental well being, you reach a happy medium.
Good luck.

My nana did the exact same to my mum. Refused help it took years for her to get a cleaner and lots of persuasion. I think some old people are just in denial which I sort of understand if you’ve been self sufficient so long but they don’t think about the impact on others.

Yes- or if they then refuse you can remind them that they have the money 'for that' which could help as well.

😂 I like it

Try killing her with praise and kindness. Give her nowhere to go. Reverse Psychology.

It’s amazing how well you manage, you are both doing so well, it’s such a shame I can’t do more- I can’t afford to lose my job and of course the DC are still so young. But you are doing really well. I was going to suggest a cleaner but it’s a bit of a waste really when you don’t need it….

Yes - my mother was similar and as you suggested had no experience at all of elder care and did not understand the level of demand and that no adult child could step in and do it all - and that it's not a binary adult child or carers choice it's adult child and carers scenario as the level of need is so high. It's not called a second childhood for no reason and you have to set the adult rules as best you can although it is not easy as unlike a real child, the law allows them to make dangerous and foolish choices as they are deemed to have capacity. I don't know what the answer is but I am just hoping I don't go the same way and that my experience stops me making unrealistic demands of my dc

I think I would have to have a frank conversation . I have my own family mum , stressful job and demands on
my time are huge . This means I am not available on demand for your crises . I am happy to help you find carers , cleaners , gardeners etc but that’s all I am able to do . At the end of the day if you end up sick no one gets help and your kids come first .

Let her system fail and then offer to put a help in place but be firm that you are not the help!

@EvelynBeatrice I agree. Said the same to mine.

Well it’s her or you - or your children. It’s very hard but the truth of it is there are only so many hours in the day and your first duty is to your children and husband - and yourself too.

I’ve already told my kids I didn’t have them to ruin their middle years! Told them I will prepare for my old age by moving and downsizing when I’m able and buying care I need. Told them to hold the line firmly even if I don’t.

Out of interest, did your mum care for older relatives at her own expense and with ND kids at the age you are now?

Well, if she claims they can manage I’d take her at her word. Let them ‘manage’

It’s not fair at all for her to put on you like this and expect so much of you. She knows what she’s doing and is manipulating you by saying what your cousins do etc… No parent should want their child to be carer and place that burden upon them by guilt tripping them. It’s selfish.

You need to set boundaries OP. How do people manage if they don’t have kids or their kids live away? They have to pay for carers. The fact you have a child with ASD makes life even harder for you than most but she’s evidently not bothered about that, as long as she’s getting her way.

Put it like this, she’s more than happy for you to give up parts of your life to accommodate her and she’s certainly not putting you first. You have to put your family (DH/kids) and yourself first. Good luck.