Does anyone else find having elderly (and unwell) parents absolutely draining?

Df is 94. Clinging onto life in his flat.
No poa in place because he refused and now he’s definitely got some dementia.
Has a carer twice a day and won’t let them do anything.
He retired away from his dc and so we visit when we can, not often enough.
He refuses a cleaner, won’t get a hair cut, needs a shower it’s horrendous.

I don’t want him to die but the only way the stress will stop is if he does.

Similar here op. Dm 87 with dementia and visually impaired, dad physically well but can’t deal with it mentally. I’m 40 miles away but work, study and have dd11 and 13 to look after. I do have a Dh but he has depression and also needs my support.

it is relentless and I suspect it will get worse. I feel for you - it is a special kind of torture looking after a parent that you’ve already lost.

Having been a carer for a short time I can sympathise with his hard and mentally exhausting it is.

Don't base your feelings about care homes on short term respite stays. Even elderly people without dementia quite often take a couple of weeks to settle in. A friend manages a home specialised in dementia care and absolutely hates having people in for 1 or 2 weeks respite. As much as she understands that family need the break she is convinced it doesn't help the dementia sufferer as they just get confused and then go back home before they have had a chance to settle in to the routines. Result is the person with dementia gets distressed and anxious so the family delay permanent care home admission when it would actually be in everyone's best interests.

We’ve got three elderly’s, though aren’t the key people for my ILs.

Thank goodness I live at a distance from DM because she would control my life with her appointments- health and social- and need for help with tech. She won’t limit herself to her capacity and insists on carrying on as if she’s independent- which she isn’t.

ILs have an adult son with them, but he has limited organisational capacity and understanding. He’s a god send for some things, but does nothing communication wise. So it all feels a bit fragile.

Both DM and DMIL have dementia, while DFIL struggles physically. It's exhausting dealing with them for all kinds of different reasons, but mainly because they just want to be independent and left alone. DH's parents in particular take any offer of help as a huge offence. It's taking a toll on the whole family.

Sorry, I meant to say that I think the reason your mum would be better in a home is because she's living with a resentful husband right now - she'll have more kindness shown to her in a home than in her own home (when you're not there).

It must be so stressful for you.

I think it would be better for everyone if your mum was in a home. She will settle in quickly and will be cared for. You can visit frequently.

Your dad is probably worse than he normally would be because of the stress of dealing with his wife all the time. If he's not been used to any caring responsibilities he's probably feeling bitter about that, too. That doesn't justify his behaviour, but it would be difficult for anyone to live with someone who has dementia and other illnesses.

What about getting a care home for your mum and focusing on visiting her? Would your dad be able to fend for himself?

I’d never cope if I was only five minutes from mine! It’s bad enough being 2-3 hours away and only seeing them occasionally.

I'm really pleased that I'm not in contact with my mother as she's in her 90s and my poor sister has non-stop stress.

I would never expect anyone to look after me. I'm going to dignitas as soon as I can and so I would never look after anyone else apart from my husband which I signed up for when I married him.

You have my sympathy .I'm afraid I would just leave them to it. There's no way I would destroy my life for two elderly people who are going to die anyway.

It is completely relentless. I would say for me it started 6 years ago, though it's never been as tough as what you are dealing with except for very short horrific patches. It goes on and on though.

I personally feel that the devastating impact on your dad of living 24/7 with a very altered wife he is losing by inches should be considered. Even if it is theoretically a bit early for a nursing home to be considered for her, the fact that it might give him more breathing space should be thought about. A respite stay is very brief and doesn't give a view of what it might be like once someone has settled in. I do agree that they vary a lot though. There is a site near me that has two separately managed homes on the same site. One is OK if not wonderful. The other one I wouldn't ask to look after a gerbil, it was horrific.

I see a lot of this through the course of my work, Sometimes I feel lucky that both of my parents passed away after very short illnesses at pretty young ages.

I feel for you @Bluespecs. Living longer isn’t necessarily a good thing for the person nor their loved ones.

You have my sympathy OP. We too are in the depths of it and it’s relentless. DH and I have both lost our Dads now, our Mums have between them Alzheimer’s, Dementia, Heart Disease and several other low level diagnoses. We are run ragged trying to do what we can for both alongside our jobs and our own DC. No advice I’m afraid but solidarity.

We are looking after my BiL who has brain cancer and resultant mental health problems, it’s like he has dementia. He is a difficult character and absolutely drove his life into a wall. He has no other family, no money, no home so he is fully dependent on us although we have been lucky enough to find a care home for him which we have to pay for.
My parents are getting older and I can see their health in decline.
It just doesn’t stop. It feels like everything we take a break, the phone rings with another family health drama. Sorry OP.

It is such an awful time. You have my upmost sympathy. DHs mum has a long term degenerative condition and has spent months in hospital. His F is basically not on the scene unless he can cause some havoc. Add in sibling battles and it has been so utterly draining. I don’t have any relationship with my own family so we had hoped that DH’s family would be better but it has been so utterly awful I don’t think there is any easy way back from this turmoil.

It's exhausting OP - my stepfather passed away very swiftly ( pneumonia) but my mum was in very poor health for 3 years requiring round the clock help. It was exhausting and she was not easy to deal with. When she passed my siblings and I were relieved for her and us. It's one of the last taboos to admit you are glad your parents have died ( we were though we loved them both dearly)