Does anyone else find having elderly (and unwell) parents absolutely draining?

Probably easy to step back when you don’t live next door and have the visiting and live-in carers banging on your door, and ringing day and night because one has fallen over and the other one won’t eat their lunch. I mean that kindly of course.

Your right Twiglets. Think years ago different my mam didnt work. Ive 2 siblings we all try to help. Of course location a factor too for visits

God very draining. We had our sick dad for years. My mam is 84 but negative and too much time on her hands. Health good. Very tiring though. I get pissy comments u wont have her forever but they havent clue as they hadnt years of it! I met a friend yest no sooner had one parent passed the other got into bad health. Endless

I mean this kindly, sorry if it comes across otherwise.

But those of you saying you visit your elderly folk several times a week even though you are finding it really stressful and you feel resentment because they don't appreciate it or didn't do it for their own parents, why do you continue?

I realise now that I was relatively lucky that my own mother died fairly young (76) and quickly so my sibling and I didn't have this situation - and our father lives overseas. I do have in laws and I see how they are never happy with the support they get, yet they provided very little for their own elderly parents.

We live a few hours away from them so do a lot when we visit but that's only every couple of months. My SIL lives nearby but she has established strong boundaries for the sake of her mental health and has employed carers to visit them daily (they pay). It sounds like some of you need to step back also.

Yes, absolutely and utterly mentally and physically draining being called on constantly for people who are declining slowly and not willing to help themselves and seeing problems in every solution.😞. Sending you hugs and solidarity ❤️ .

@sockfluffinthebath sending hugs to you too ❤️. That all sounds so stressful! Like yourself, I have vowed never to dump my ageing issues on my DC.

@sockfluffinthebath at least you can't be summoned as you can't drive. I confess when FIL was at his most obstroporous we used to have an alcohol free beer as soon as we'd finished work so we could say "sorry been drinking beer" if it wasn't urgent but could still react if it was a real emergency.

@SockFluffInTheBath

Sorry, had a bottle of wine to myself this afternoon because I’ve had enough, I’m not supposed to drink at all because I’m on beta blockers for an arrhythmia but I am at the end of the rope.MIL never anticipated being ill, and FIL just expected to be cared for by the family. If nothing else I have learned to not expect to dump my ageing issues on DC.

Yes, just yes. Had enough- tick. Want to be somewhere else- tick. MIL has advanced Alzheimer’s, FIL is a disgusting, massively overweight, lazy slob who delights in being touched and cleaned. I would go to the end of the earth for MIL but she doesn’t know who I am and she hates us all. It’s so hard. We both work 50+hrs per week in stressful jobs where they say people matter, but really they don’t care unless you don’t perform and then you’re sacked. DD is doing her A-levels so she’s stressed and utterly vile, and honestly it’s all too much. When do we get to matter enough to stop and breathe?

Our SIL from abroad behaves very similarly with the level of care MIL gets.

Nothing we do is enough for MIL according to her and she comes home for short stints martyrs herself beyond anything humanly possible to sustain and then uses her interactions as the goals the rest of us should achieve in her absence. MIL doesn’t do what your father does but she doesn’t need to because SIL acts as her whip to beat everyone with.

It is like being in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship when you are dealing with these sorts.

Yes.

MIL's last few years were way the most stressful period of our lives. When I hear sanctimonious people say 'Oh, we in Britain are so awful. We just dump our old people in care homes. The families should look after them!' I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Who do they think is doing it?

Just because your mum was confused by a short visit to a care home I wouldn't rule it out. Once she is settled there permanently things will calm down, and it will free you to cope with your father. My mum was very happy in her care home, and it transformed my father's life.

It's an awful thing to say but when I hear that a friend's parent has died suddenly I just think 'Lucky them, and lucky you!'

Not in your situation OP but do have eldery FIL and mum. They're both quite upbeat but there's also times where talking about their health is draining - it must be hard when you have an actual caring role. Sharing how you feel with others is generally healthy and helpful. Sending strength to all carers. 💖

Yes ...

I'm only 44 but my parents had me late in life. At this moment I'm dealing with getting two SEN kids correctly diagnosed and supported, an elderly dad (86) who is coming to end of life with all his health issues, and a depressed mum (75) who's bored and frustrated with caring for dad. I work full time too. No surviving siblings to share the load. My hubby is doing his best, but there's only so much he can do. They have carers in in the morning for him, and respite one afternoon per week.

Feeling ya frustration/pain/grief over here. Solidarity sister!

That feeling where you dutifully head to the house or the hospital while your soul flees to the nearest airport with passport and credit card in hand?
100% normal.
Don't worry about it - you've got enough to worry about!
Come join us on the Bad Daughters (+) Bench in the Cockroach Café thread
(+) Other relationships also welcome

Honestly encourage the POAs. Mum got rapid onset dementia and went downhill in a few weeks. Thanks to her not bothering sorting finances etc out she's left me deep in the shit. The home is getting basically every penny and I'm left financing her clothing, hair and toiletries and a £70 a week top up fee. I can't access any of her money at all even though it's for her needs.

You have my sympathy and solidarity.

My DF is 94. Lives alone 5 mins from me. Although no dementia, very unsteady on his feet and totally housebound. Refuses carers but can still just about wash and dress himself.

I work full time, but see him every day. I ring him in the morning to make sure he’s up. I go after work to make sure he has a hot meal. I do his shopping, his laundry, his cleaning. I take him to all his medical appointments and sort out his finances.

He appreciates nothing.

Everything I do is wrong, he complains about something every day. His aches and pains, items from his shopping, stuff on the television, the jigsaws that I buy him to relieve his boredom. If he wants something, he phones constantly. Doesn’t matter what time of the day or night. If I’m at work and can’t answer, he gives me shit as “he should be my priority, not my job.” He won’t entertain going to a community centre or anywhere else there might be company. He considers that what I do for him is nowhere near enough and has actually said that I should give up my job, move him into my home and look after him full time. This is my duty as a daughter, apparently, but I’ve stuck to my guns and told him that this will never happen and when he needs more than I can give him currently, it’s a nursing home. As such - I’m a shit daughter but I’m totally past caring.

I’ve done this now, alone, day in and day out for nearly 10 years and some nights I get home at half 7/8pm after being up since half 5 that morning and just cry. Some days I cope relatively well, others not at all - but I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel just yet. I might get flamed for saying this but when he dies eventually die, I will breathe a sigh of relief. Sorry but it’s true. I’m mentally and physically exhausted from doing everything for a cantankerous, miserable and ungrateful man, without a word of thanks as this is what I’m here for and “the young have a duty to look after the old.”

I am fortunate in that mother is 88 and only started to become frail about a year ago and is still pretty with it Al eit she has become a lady of 88 rather than a lady of 87 who had the physical and mental capacity of someone much younger. Step is 80 and not as fit. Fortunately I am 64 with grown up dc and can reduce hours to visit more. They are 100 miles away. It is a terrible thing to say but as mother is now very elderly, once she declines one hopes things will not prevail for too long.

My horror is if she goes before step. I have disliked him since the age of 15 and there will be an expectation that I will look after him. I shall not. If step goes first I suspect she will follow swiftly. She won't cope.

I am an only and there is nobody else.

MIL, a widow, is the same age, has carers go in daily and DH visit for a weekend every three weeks now. 240 miles away. He has sisters but they are abroad and do f a when they come. Being an only has its compensations.

@Cognacsoft @Bluespecs I hate to say it but I've had the same thoughts about my parents too. I hate myself for thinking it too but the stress and worry sometimes is utterly overwhelming!

You got my sympathies. This is why I will make sure to contact Dignitas as soon as I get a health condition that will get worse. Wouldn't want to live as a vegetable and I wouldn't want my dc to be miserable and feeling pressure to help me out.

My Dad was 83 when I lost him. His decline had been slow but painful over the 2 years beforehand, and even though he died 2 years ago, I'm still putting myself back together again. I've never known physical and mental exhaustion like it. What I learned is this:
Get care in early - even if once daily for washing/dressing only. Change causes worry, and the sooner this becomes familiar the better.
Get a cleaner/gardener in - and don't spend your precious days off doing it.
Get a social worker on board - they're invaluable
Stop all the relentless and futile hospital outpatient appointments, inform the GP that they're taking on their sole care. This simple one step improved Dad's quality of life (and mine) no end.

Get a pharmacy/medication review regularly. Alot of elderly poor health is caused by unnecessary medication.
Set your boundaries at the start, and stick to them.

I miss my Dad with every fibre of my being, but I don't miss what my life became in his last months of life.

This makes me so angry, as it does you I'm sure. Have you outright asked him what he's saving it for? I get that people have a mindset of not spending their money, but this is the rainy day.