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Elderly parents
Original poster

Does anyone else find having elderly (and unwell) parents absolutely draining?

141 replies

Bluespecs · 17/05/2025 11:15

To the point that running away or disappearing seems like such an appealing option right now?

I am so envious of my friends, none of them have this issue and all of their parents are either in good health and independent or have passed away quite quickly.

My parents live a 5 min walk from me. Mum is 82 and has Alzheimer's (7 years in so far), breast cancer, can't walk far due to being bent over with osteoporosis and also has issues with her heart. The dementia is working itself in quite deep now but she is otherwise quite happy but it's very much like looking after a toddler these days. She can do very little for herself.

Dad is 84 and actually in really good health but he is miserable from all of mum's issues. He has always been a difficult character but over the last few years has become worse. He is now so very bitter and he is very difficult to deal with at times. He has fallen out with everyone (including neighbours) and has become obsessed with moaning about absolutely everything and everybody. He does not care what he says to us all and can say some very upsetting things. He refuses to acknowledge that he is depressed. It is beyond draining.

We have all the practical stuff in place. Full POA's, Attendance Allowance etc. Mum goes to a day centre two afternoons a week and there is a carer in every day to help shower and dress mum. Mum has had respite care in a local care home but not sure if this is good from her as she came home very confused. And having viewed quite a few local care homes, all with great reviews and ratings, we are not sure what to think of care homes.

But regardless of all the practical stuff it's the emotional turmoil which is so hard on both my sister and I. Watching my lovely mum slowly dying and losing her mind and us having to put up with my dad's constant nasty ways.

I am so tired of it all. I love them both dearly but bloody hell, it is so draining having elderly and unwell parents and the fact that it's dragging out for years is down right depressing. I honestly wasn't prepared for this, all my grandparents died quickly so I never saw my parents struggling with years of caring. I genuinely imagined my parents would go in a similar way.

Does anyone else really struggle watching their parents coming to the end of their lives?

OP posts:
Projectme · 21/05/2025 09:31

BlueLegume · 21/05/2025 08:47

I concur with living with guilt being better than resentment. Posted this before but it is really useful
https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

Ah thank you for this. A timely reminder.

bestbefore · 21/05/2025 08:56

As my DS said sometimes modern medicine is too good. I know that’s awful but it’s true

EmotionalBlackmail · 21/05/2025 08:02

Don’t put your life on hold. I heard recently from a friend whose mother had finally died. She’d moved in with her to care years ago, barely seeing her children for weeks at a time as it was some distance away. One child is now an adult and has left home, the other about to finish A Levels, then go. She’s completely missed her children’s teenage years!

And for what? To keep her mum out of a care home?!

Projectme · 21/05/2025 08:00

The F.O.G. (fear, obligation, guilt) is truly horrible. Us in their 50s, as someone else said, are the sandwich generation. My DM lost both her parents when she was young and my DF went NC with his parents when he was in his late 30s so neither had this pressure so don't understand how we could be feeling stressed with it all!! 😑 my brother has gone AWOL (glad in a way as he's an utter a-hole) so it's all on me.

OP, you're between a rock and a hard place, like so many of us. If you go with your dream, you'll be eaten up with guilt but if you don't follow your dream, you'll be eaten up by regret and resentment.

Someone posted on a different thread about the fact that you should always choose guilt over resentment. Easier said than done.

lemon6 · 21/05/2025 06:03

Be careful putting your dreams on hold. The lady that lived in the flat below mum had quite bad dementia her daughter lived round the corner. She visited most days, one day she visited didn’t stay long went home and had a fatal heart attack, she was only mid 50s with two daughters.
The daughters continued to look after their gran for the next five years.

Original poster
Bluespecs · 20/05/2025 21:04

MadisonAvenue · 20/05/2025 18:47

I can sympathise with you all, it’s so hard and so tiring.

My Dad’s 92. Mentally he’s still pretty sharp but his body is giving up. He lives alone since my mother died 2 years ago, he’s 2 miles away from me but as I don’t drive (I’m having lessons and failing miserably at tests) it’s a 30+ minute walk away or two buses, obviously if anything happens whilst my husband or our sons are home then it’s easier to get to him. My sister lives an hour away.

He’s had heart valve disease for some years, surgery wasn’t an option when it was discovered and he’s lived normally with it until recently. His lower legs are now swollen and he’s constantly dizzy, both of which point to the condition worsening and heart failure, and it means he’s unsteady and is falling on a regular basis.

The issue we’re having is that he won’t stop doing what he’s always been doing, mostly gardening. He still thinks he’s fully capable and has been jet washing the drive and patio in the last week, the week before that he was moving shrubs from the back garden to the front and replanting them. Last month my sister called me to say she couldn’t get hold of him by phone so could I go and see if he was okay. I found him flat on the patio, unable to get up, after falling while mowing a lawn. Last night he fell again while out in the garden, this time badly cutting his head which required another A&E visit for stitches. He’s been there three times in the last six weeks.

He won’t take on board that what he’s doing isn’t necessary, one of us will go and tend his garden and he’s not scared to ask for help at all, he’s just impulsive and when he decides he wants something doing then it has to be done there and then and he won’t wait until one of us has time to do it for him.

It’s so frustrating when he does fall in these circumstances as he often needs A&E which means one of us has to accompany him and sit there for what has been anything between 5 and 9 hours while waiting for him to be seen and treated.

I hate that every time my phone rings and I see his name as the caller I dread to answer it as I’m wondering what he’s done now. We’ve been planning on moving out of the area once our mortgage had been paid off, which it now has been and we’ve seen some new houses being built in an ideal location, but I’m conflicted because I don’t know if I should move away too far from him while he needs help but how long can our plans be put on the back burner? We’d certainly miss out on the houses that we like if we stay where we are in order to be near him.

We have a similar issue with our dad. He still thinks he's 30. Last year he fell off his step ladder whilst cutting the hedge and luckily didn't knock himself out because mum would have had no idea how to phone any of us (she probably would even know he was lying in the garden), since then we've been trying to encourage him to wear a fall and call monitor but again he won't pay. A few months later I happened to be driving by their bungalow to find him climbing a ladder to get up on the roof to check some loose roof tiles, the stress of worrying what he's up to is never ending.

DH is planning on retiring in a few years. Our dream was to move and run our own small caravan site but it's an impossible dream whilst my parents are still here, we will probably miss the perfect time slot in our lives to see our the dream though sadly.

OP posts:
TonTonMacoute · 20/05/2025 19:55

I don't now about you OP, but when my parents and in laws were my age all of their parents were dead. We really are the first sandwich generation.

Many of us are looking after parents who haven't had to do this themselves, and they have no idea how hard it is.

A friend of mine was recovering in hospital a few years ago when an elderly woman with Alzheimer's was admitted to the (surgical) ward. Her daughter who was her carer had had a heart attack (in her 50s!) and was elsewhere in the hospital and there was nowhere else for this lady to go.

The poor daughter had teenage children too, she must have been run completely ragged. So it's not a selfish or unrealistic scenario.

countrygirl99 · 20/05/2025 19:14

Back in 2020, not long after being hospitalised for 3 weeks with septic arthritis I caught my dad trying to hook a faulty pump out of the garden pond with his walking stick. He also had fairly severe arthritis and osteoporosis. He was holding on to a spindly shrub for "stability". Mum was oblivious to the potential problems and thought I was fussing too much

MadisonAvenue · 20/05/2025 18:47

I can sympathise with you all, it’s so hard and so tiring.

My Dad’s 92. Mentally he’s still pretty sharp but his body is giving up. He lives alone since my mother died 2 years ago, he’s 2 miles away from me but as I don’t drive (I’m having lessons and failing miserably at tests) it’s a 30+ minute walk away or two buses, obviously if anything happens whilst my husband or our sons are home then it’s easier to get to him. My sister lives an hour away.

He’s had heart valve disease for some years, surgery wasn’t an option when it was discovered and he’s lived normally with it until recently. His lower legs are now swollen and he’s constantly dizzy, both of which point to the condition worsening and heart failure, and it means he’s unsteady and is falling on a regular basis.

The issue we’re having is that he won’t stop doing what he’s always been doing, mostly gardening. He still thinks he’s fully capable and has been jet washing the drive and patio in the last week, the week before that he was moving shrubs from the back garden to the front and replanting them. Last month my sister called me to say she couldn’t get hold of him by phone so could I go and see if he was okay. I found him flat on the patio, unable to get up, after falling while mowing a lawn. Last night he fell again while out in the garden, this time badly cutting his head which required another A&E visit for stitches. He’s been there three times in the last six weeks.

He won’t take on board that what he’s doing isn’t necessary, one of us will go and tend his garden and he’s not scared to ask for help at all, he’s just impulsive and when he decides he wants something doing then it has to be done there and then and he won’t wait until one of us has time to do it for him.

It’s so frustrating when he does fall in these circumstances as he often needs A&E which means one of us has to accompany him and sit there for what has been anything between 5 and 9 hours while waiting for him to be seen and treated.

I hate that every time my phone rings and I see his name as the caller I dread to answer it as I’m wondering what he’s done now. We’ve been planning on moving out of the area once our mortgage had been paid off, which it now has been and we’ve seen some new houses being built in an ideal location, but I’m conflicted because I don’t know if I should move away too far from him while he needs help but how long can our plans be put on the back burner? We’d certainly miss out on the houses that we like if we stay where we are in order to be near him.

countrygirl99 · 20/05/2025 11:38

We leave notes for mum. Either to remind her about appointments/events or not to turn off power etc and she removes them as "it's treating her like a child and there's nothing wrong with her memory".

Badbadbunny · 20/05/2025 11:13

countrygirl99 · 20/05/2025 10:55

@Badbadbunny sounds like my mum. She regularly (multiple times a week) switches off the power to the central heating and then calls British Gas out because the heating won't come on. When you try and talk to her about she not only has no idea who has turned off the heating, who is calling BG but insists they haven't been out all winter. DB manages to cancel the majority but they've been out several times. I spent Christmas Day sorting out her freezer because she had rammed it so full she couldn't open the drawers, decided it was iced up and so left the freezer door open for hours at a time with the result that each drawer was a solid ice cube full of stinking food. But she's still deemed to have capacity to choose to live at home.

Oh yes, I'd forgotten about the British Gas callouts. MIL was the same. She'd got into the habit of turning off all the radiators at each valve when she went to bed at night. Then wonder why they were cold in the morning and couldn't think to turn them on, so she'd phone BG to get them to come out and "fix" the boiler as she was under contract with them. Heaven knows how many times she did that as she couldn't remember calling them, couldn't remember them coming out. We'd only find out by accident if the engineer happened to come whilst one of us was there with her, which seemed to happen quite a lot! We'd tell her time and time again either not to turn off the radiators or to remember to turn them on again in the morning, we'd leave sticky notes on the radiators etc., but she'd not bother reading the notes or not understand what they meant or not think they meant what they said! It was all very demoralising. We actually got a BG engineer to remove the valves so she couldn't do it, but then she'd turn off the boiler at the switch or turn down the thermostat, and, of course, forget to turn them on again, so she'd phone them to call them out again! I sometimes mentioned it to the engineers who came out and they all said it was very common among older customers and they didn't mind (at engineer level) as they were simply/easy/quick call outs!!

countrygirl99 · 20/05/2025 10:55

@Badbadbunny sounds like my mum. She regularly (multiple times a week) switches off the power to the central heating and then calls British Gas out because the heating won't come on. When you try and talk to her about she not only has no idea who has turned off the heating, who is calling BG but insists they haven't been out all winter. DB manages to cancel the majority but they've been out several times. I spent Christmas Day sorting out her freezer because she had rammed it so full she couldn't open the drawers, decided it was iced up and so left the freezer door open for hours at a time with the result that each drawer was a solid ice cube full of stinking food. But she's still deemed to have capacity to choose to live at home.

Original poster
Bluespecs · 20/05/2025 10:49

rookiemere · 20/05/2025 10:07

@Bluespecsreading your updates it feels like a lot of your issues are caused not just by your DF being obstinate and refusing to spend money on care but on your own internal monologue where guilt and regret feature heavily.
I likes how a poster had phrased it up thread, how doing everything that her DM would have wanted would have increased her DMs happiness from 5 to 6 but decreased her own from 8 to zero.

Sometimes you have to push for the least worst option as there is no really good conclusion. It sounds like your DF may be more amenable to your DM being in a care home as he agreed to respite, than he would having a full time carer at the home. It also means you could visit your DM without having to interact with your DF.
If your DM was her old self how would she want you to be living your life ? Would she genuinely want you to sacrifice so much of your family time to support her ? The care home is never going to be perfect but you could spend quality time with her there.

Pick an option and advocate heavily for that. It’s the only way to break out of this impasse.

My sister and I would be content with a care home (even though we would both prefer the care to be at home) but our dad doesn't want to spend the money.
I can not emphasize how hard it has been to get him to agree to the simple things such as the carers and the day centre and it's all because of the cost. If they were all free he would have everything available to him. He constantly asks me to check what he's entitled to even though it's very little as he has a lot of money. He's tight and mean with his money, always has been sadly and now in their hour of need he is still being very obstinate and hard work (even getting new clothes for mum as she's put on so much weight from her medication is hard work).

He moans about the cost of everything. I have started threads about this in the past and people have told me to go over his head due to our poa status but that is so much easier said than done especially as my sister will often back down and side with dad. It is so very tiring and frustrating, a brick wall scenario at every step.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 20/05/2025 10:07

@Bluespecsreading your updates it feels like a lot of your issues are caused not just by your DF being obstinate and refusing to spend money on care but on your own internal monologue where guilt and regret feature heavily.
I likes how a poster had phrased it up thread, how doing everything that her DM would have wanted would have increased her DMs happiness from 5 to 6 but decreased her own from 8 to zero.

Sometimes you have to push for the least worst option as there is no really good conclusion. It sounds like your DF may be more amenable to your DM being in a care home as he agreed to respite, than he would having a full time carer at the home. It also means you could visit your DM without having to interact with your DF.
If your DM was her old self how would she want you to be living your life ? Would she genuinely want you to sacrifice so much of your family time to support her ? The care home is never going to be perfect but you could spend quality time with her there.

Pick an option and advocate heavily for that. It’s the only way to break out of this impasse.

Badbadbunny · 20/05/2025 10:06

EmotionalBlackmail · 19/05/2025 14:36

It’s worth thinking about whether the care home seems depressing because it’s not what you would want (as an adult not in need of care) vs what would be best for your elderly relative. Are the ones just sitting around aware of what they’re doing?

The two of mine who did go into care homes (one residential, then later nursing) it was an incredibly positive step, relieved a lot of anxiety for them as it created a whole contained “safe” world. Where they weren’t going to be asked difficult questions or have to adapt to different people. One of them had pretend shops and a pretend bus stop so residents with dementia could believe they were going somewhere or following a long ago routine.

I agree with all that. We went through MIL's dementia and it was draining and soul destroying. Instead of actually spending quality time with her, we were always fire-fighting, doing chores, etc. Living in her own home, on her own, was simply unsafe in so many ways.

We once got a phone call from her in the middle of the night saying her electrics weren't working - spent ages trying to talk her through flipping the trip switch in the electric cupboard (something she's done many times previously), but she was incapable of following instructions and after an hour on the phone, we gave up and went down. Once we were there, we quickly found the reason that it had tripped. She'd cut the cable to the TV with scissors! She couldn't remember doing, couldn't remember why she'd done it. We can only assume she'd forgotten how to turn it off with the remote control and forgotten about unplugging it or turning the socket off at the wall, and decided the "best" way was to cut the cable!

That was only one example.

Trouble in our case was that her other daughter was adamant that she wasn't going in a care home, so we were stuck with the status quo. It was only a few months later, and several other "dangerous" episodes, not only risks to health and injury, but also giving money to strangers, being conned by a random tradesman into thinking her home needed a lot of work doing, etc., that her daughter finally realised she wasn't safe at home. But during the time that we were arranging care, she deteriorated so quickly and then died.

Now, after her daughter seeing the demise, she finally agrees with us that MIL should have been in a home probably six months or even a year or two earlier. Both her children now bitterly regret "wasting" the last months of her life being stressed out by caring for her instead of being able to spend quality time with her!

Original poster
Bluespecs · 20/05/2025 09:53

MargoLivebetter · 19/05/2025 15:29

@Bluespecs that is a lot to deal with. No one prepares you for this and it is an immense and often deeply unrewarding burden caring for ill and elderly parents. I think you are doing really well to stick with it all and strongly suggest that every now and then you do allow yourself to run for the hills or scream into the great blue yonder.

It probably feels like it at the moment, but it doesn't last for ever. I remind myself of this constantly when dealing with my own ancient and very demanding DM. Not that long ago DF was there too driving us all nuts with his complex healthcare needs and then suddenly he was gone.

Thank you. It's easier to deal with when I talk with others who are going through this or have been through it. None of my friends have this in their lives, not atm anyhow.

I do worry that when mum goes it will be a huge relief but then I'll be overwhelmed with the guilt of feeling that way especially as I have always been so close to my mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluespecs · 20/05/2025 09:51

Sittingontheporch

When you have children, you sort of know the score and how things will progress (obvious massive caveat to this is children with additional needs). And you sign up for it and it's often wonderful. But I stupidly found the last five years unexpected. It's also the fact that every day they get worse - it's so unrewarding to have a job of managing decline, where you're doing well if they get less worse than they would have done without you.

Exactly this. I knew what to expect when I planned to have my dc, I brought them into the world and will always be there for them as they are my responsibility but tbh it never occured to me that I may one day be caring for my parents, they never did with theirs so it wasn't something which ever crossed my mind but here I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluespecs · 20/05/2025 08:46

EmotionalBlackmail · 19/05/2025 14:36

It’s worth thinking about whether the care home seems depressing because it’s not what you would want (as an adult not in need of care) vs what would be best for your elderly relative. Are the ones just sitting around aware of what they’re doing?

The two of mine who did go into care homes (one residential, then later nursing) it was an incredibly positive step, relieved a lot of anxiety for them as it created a whole contained “safe” world. Where they weren’t going to be asked difficult questions or have to adapt to different people. One of them had pretend shops and a pretend bus stop so residents with dementia could believe they were going somewhere or following a long ago routine.

Mum's day centre is very much like that, a really happy and positive place, just need to find a home that has a similar vibe.

The care home that mum has recently had respite care in was a lovely place, privately run by two sisters and the home was previously their family home, it really had a nice feel and the staff were lovely. We visited several times before mum went there and witnessed the activities they did and everyone seemed happy but it still had a very weird and dreary feel to it which I can't put my finger on. My sister and dad said the same.

I admit that I am hesitant to put mum in a care home, we have had several visits from SS and each time the ladies have said if we can it is best not to put a loved one into care. I keep thinking about this a lot and it does seem so cruel to put mum in care.

I think we probably need to look at more care homes before any decisions are made.

I am just sad that my parents have an annex on their property and plenty enough money for a live in carer but dad is refusing to agree to this. I would have loved to see my mum see her days out in the home she has lived in for most of her married life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluespecs · 20/05/2025 08:36

CurlyKoalie · 19/05/2025 13:57

Having been through this I sympathise greatly.I went though this over the space of 10 years with mum, dad and MIL all at the same time.
Both you and your dad are trapped in a cage made by your mums dementia.
'Care in the community' imo does not work as the level of support from health and care agencies is insufficient.Unfortunately, British custom is that a spouse or child should step in to do the caring, but thats a view from years ago when there was more extended family to help and women didnt work. It simply doesnt apply to many modern families.
I agree with many of the points of previous posters. Mums condition will only get worse. Sadly there will come a point when she will not recognise if her needs are being serviced by a family member or a professional carer. Putting her in a care home now whilst she has some capacity to adjust will be better for both your and your fathers mental health.
You will both be able to relax a bit in the knowledge that mum is being looked after. Dad, if he is in good health will be freed to have a life of his own, possibly socialise more and that might help his depression. If you get a good care home for mum that he could regularly visit, he could have more to say to her when he visits and be able to walk away at the end of the visit without guilt.
If you have POA Health/finance for mum I would activate them immediately. If dad has the POA you are stuck. He might be trapped in thinking that it is his 'duty' to look after mum at home. You would have to try and persuade him that neither of you can cope with the current arrangement and mum needs full time care.Their GP might help you to persuade him if you can get him/her on side,
This may sound brutal and selfish but I waited longer than I should have to put Mum and MIL in a home. I listened too much to other peoples opinions on family obligations and started to suffer mentally as a result.
My lightbulb moment was realising its ok to put yourself first sometimes and you can often be more effective by working to your strengths. For me this was by organising finance, working with the carehome on enrichment activities and representing residents in the carehome monthly meetings.
Remember, you too only have 1 life.

It really is so difficult with my dad as he is not an easy man to deal with.

He is blinkered and thinks we are all managing by and can not or will not see that it is causing us all so much stress, he will tell my sister that I am just a stressy person, always have been and that she handles things so much better than I do (thing is that she doesn't go round as much as I do as she works full time and she has no children, so when she gets home at night she can relax).

I understand that my dad does not want to admit that his (their) life has taken this road and it will only get worse but 7 years from the diagnosis it really is time for him to be adult about this but it has been a battle all the way to try and get him to agree to so many things that would help. It took years to agree to the morning carer then another 6 months or so for the weekend carer, now we are trying to get the weekend carer in the evenings which he won't agree to. It took 2 years for him to agree to the respite this year and he says point blank that he does not want mum in a home yet. I have had social services round several times to talk to him, mum's GP has spoken to him and an Admiral Nurse too but he just digs his heels in.

This makes the stress of it all so much harder when you have an awkward and hesitant parent putting obstacles in the way all the time. It is so exhausting.

None of this is helped by my sister forever taking his side by saying things like 'I have tried asking dad to change this mind over his or that but he says he doesn't want to, we can only but try, it's his decision at the end of the day' and then she will tell me to drop it. I then look like the bad guy as I am seen as pushing for something that neither of them want. It feels very one sided at times.

And to top it all, DH and my dad have fallen out. DH and I have been together since we were 16 and dad and he always got on really well but since all of this dh sees how much this is affecting me as the stress has triggered all of my chronic health issues and making me feel crappy most days. So he now refuses to see my dad in case he says something he wishes he hadn't. He is furious that my dad has so much money and yet relies heavily on my sister and I to do so many things for free. My dad now feels resentment towards my dh for not visiting him and wants to know why but I can't say as that will cause further friction, my sister is always pushing me as to why dh doesn't visit anymore (why she gets involved I don't know as I wouldn't give a crap if her dh didn't visit my parents).

It's all a stressful nightmare and a life lesson to DH and I to sort as much as we can for our old age so we never put our dc through this.

OP posts:
Lastknownaddress · 20/05/2025 08:27

@rosesandhellebores women already do step back at 50 ish. Some due to menopause, a lot due to overwhelm. No one talks about it as we don't matter in a society that is still fundamentally patriarchal at its core. I hate it.

@Twiglets1 re: stepping back. It really isn't that simple. I tried. I really did. I have a difficult and distant relationship with my M. And DF lives 10,000 miles away. On paper this should have been the easiest thing to step away from. Turns out there is always paperwork, always something you have to be involved in doing especially as an only child. Expectations from wider family. Parents who made no provisions. Did not discuss anything with me (it's a fairly standard MO to be fair. I don't know why I am so surprised/hurt). The statutory services. They all just think I am there to pick up the pieces. Just sinply trying to keep boundaries in place is exhausting in itself and it's breaking me. I really feel for anyone having to do more.

Sortoutyourshit · 19/05/2025 21:54

Cancer used to always kill. My mum survived it at 68 and is now 93. But I started doing a lot for her when she got cancer. I didn’t mind. I wanted to help. Just never thought 25 sodding years later….

Projectme · 19/05/2025 21:13

TheMerryAquaBird · 19/05/2025 15:51

I'm not religious but I also pray every day to take DF quickly. A heart attack in the night would be so much kinder than the continuous but seemingly endless decline we have now. It sucked the life and joy of the the last few years of DMs life caring for him, and its now doing the same to me. The thought of this going on another 5, 10, maybe even 20 years, is unbearable. Solidarity to all here.

Show quote history

This is what I find over whelming, too; I sobbed to DH the other day 'I might have another 10 years of this!' My parents are 'young'...78 and 81... we were told DM had 3 weeks to live in dec2021. She's still here and whilst bed bound, now with dementia kicking in, she's doing ok. DF is exhausted with the responsibility of it all. I just seem to want to cry all the time. My poor DH!

MysterOfwomanY · 19/05/2025 17:38

Reading all this, I miss my dear Mum, who died relatively quickly from heart/diabetes issues just before the pandemic.

She frustrated so many of her friends and family by not doing as much about her diabetes as she could have, but she always said she knew the choice she was making.

I still think there could have been a middle way - but I'm glad, also, that there wasn't an endless, miserable decline. She was living her life to the full a month before she went, and died with her marbles intact.

She herself had ended up with a nervous breakdown after being the carer for 3 elderly relatives in succession - in a time when there was very little help, and with a job and a family.
Always told me to put her in a home if needed. Miss you Mum.

TheMerryAquaBird · 19/05/2025 15:51

Seagullsandsausagerolls · 17/05/2025 17:37

I pray every night my mum doesn't wake up the next morning, sounds horrible doesn't it, but there's only a body left mum is gone. I'm getting numerous phonecalls daily and trying to clear out her house so it can be put up for sale for the nursing home. It feels neverending I thought for us a nursing home would be less stress so far it's not been that way.

I was still getting calls even when I was intensive care recently. Her social worker was not impressed I could not attend her care meeting or was not visiting her ...

I'm not religious but I also pray every day to take DF quickly. A heart attack in the night would be so much kinder than the continuous but seemingly endless decline we have now. It sucked the life and joy of the the last few years of DMs life caring for him, and its now doing the same to me. The thought of this going on another 5, 10, maybe even 20 years, is unbearable. Solidarity to all here.