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Elderly parents
Original poster

Dad terminally ill, lives alone anxious wants to go into a home

41 replies

Totallybannanas · 16/05/2025 21:34

I have never posted so much on here, but dad is terminally ill with cancer, and living alone. I have stayed the last 3 nights following a discharge from hospital. Due to anti social neighbour blasting his music until 5 am morning I can't sleep and caring for dad, I am absolutely exhausted being there 24/7. He is so fearful of being alone, I've hardly been home. I'm crying all time when I'm on my own because I am so tired. We have a carer come in (2nd day now) but they don't cook the meals he needs. He has to have soft/pureed diet which dad also hates. I'm trying to cook home cooked foods but need time at home to cook and batch and shop. Basically when I'm not there, he isn't coping even with a carer. What are my options? He is 80 this month and always been independent, but following a cancer diagnosis he has had aged and caught up with his years.

OP posts:
tillyandmilly · 16/05/2025 22:16

💐💐i am sorry what a sad situation- both for your dad and yourself - I hope there is a solution - so sorry 🌷

Hairyfairy01 · 16/05/2025 22:13

Having a terminal illness does not automatically mean you qualify for continuing health care (CHC), that is based on your health and care needs, things like skin, swallow, mobility, not a certain diagnosis.

it’s also worth bearing in mind that if your dad has capacity there is no reason for everything to be run past you. He’s entitled to make his own decisions and to having privacy regarding his own health. Being a NOK does not give you automatic rights.

Be careful that you are getting correct information on threads like these. As well meaning as people are these ‘systems’ are very complex, and also vary area to area in terms of what support is available.

Original poster
Totallybannanas · 16/05/2025 22:12

rickyrickygrimes · 16/05/2025 22:05

that sounds really hard.

what happened when he left the hospital? Were you involved in his discharge process and were you in contact with his medical team before he came home? What is his prognosis?

you need to start shouting - loudly. His GP, the adult social care department, and any specialists / oncologists that he has.

I had to refuse discharge, to get a discharge assessment l hence why we have a carer. I also have age UK coming to do cleaning one a week kitchen and bathroom. This is all meant to be short term as part of a reablement. I had to fight for this. I have no care plan and no idea what happens next. I called GP and couldn't get through, explained the situation and told to ring again 8 am. I have.managed to get hospital bed after alot of pushing. I have st Luke's coming Thursday. It's the GP I'm really struggling with, espresso as I also need to do a Respect form. I just feel there is communication between the devices, I having to email and call, fill in forms answering the same question. There no link up of care. And then to add that, the neighbour who plays music until stupid o clock, I have now had to complain to the housing association. The only good thing is dad is deaf and sleeps on the back room, but I've had no sleep 4 nights.

OP posts:
yeesh · 16/05/2025 22:11

Who had arranged the carers he already has? If social services then he will already have a social work team who will be able to increase the care. As previous poster said whiltshire farm foods deliver ready meals for the carers to heat up, you can choose the consistency he needs.

Original poster
Totallybannanas · 16/05/2025 22:06

Basically after staying in hospital he is broken and given up because he knows he isn't getting better, if I'm not there he isn't really cooking for himself or taking his medication properly, and because he has oesophagus cancer he was regurgitating at night prior to stent which has caused massive anxiety about choking at night time and not being able to get help. He has a hospital bed which I pushed for as he needs to sleep at 45', he also has a piper alarm. He isn't even at palliative stage yet, but he has lots alot of weight due to type of cancer and is really tired. He's just not the same man he was a week ago. Staying with me isn't an option, I have no where can stay and I have two children and I don't want to see him so poor.

OP posts:
rickyrickygrimes · 16/05/2025 22:05

that sounds really hard.

what happened when he left the hospital? Were you involved in his discharge process and were you in contact with his medical team before he came home? What is his prognosis?

you need to start shouting - loudly. His GP, the adult social care department, and any specialists / oncologists that he has.

StJamesInfirmary · 16/05/2025 22:02

I'm really sorry to hear this. My dad died last Autumn from terminal cancer. He was entitled to something called NHS Continuing Healthcare. It is fully funded care package for adults who meet the criteria - terminal illness qualifies and it is not means tested. For my Dad it was either carers 4 times a day, a live in carer or hospice care. He was, like your Dad, struggling along at home alone. I got him admitted to hospital after a routine appointment based on social care needs and then he wasn't discharged until the care package was in place. His GP was a good starting point. Adult social care had received an urgent referral to assess him but hadn't time to see him for 7 days (nothing urgent about that at all). It's a horrid time so I am sending lots of love to you and your dad x

Hairyfairy01 · 16/05/2025 21:56

I what way isn’t he coping when you aren’t there? Would an increase in a package of care help? Would any equipment in the home help? Would something like Wiltshire Farm foods being delivered help? Are you getting any support? What are your dads wishes?

MumOfThreeChaos · 16/05/2025 21:51

Sending you hugs. So hard xxx

oustedbymymate · 16/05/2025 21:48

You need a social work assessment. Was this not arrange as part of his discharge from the hospital? It should have been. He clearly needs more care that you can give. It's so tough but this isn't sustainable for you at all and you dad needs better care

Ring social services first thing Monday and request an assessment. You have to keep pushing as they will drag heels not wanting to pay.

Unfortunately I have found in my own experiences is those that shout loudest get heard.

Sending love this must be very difficult.

Vera87 · 16/05/2025 21:44

Can he come to you to live for this short time? A package of care could be put in bed along with a hospital bed and any other needs. He won’t be alone, you be in your home away from noise.
dont worry about a spare room it can go in living room- I’m a carer so I see this a lot x thinking of you

PermanentTemporary · 16/05/2025 21:42

You poor thing :(

i would contaxt his GP and yes, Adult social serrvices urgently. Make it clear that you need to leave and your dad isn't coping.

Right now, maybe order some Wiltshire Farm Foods in the right consistency for him for the carers to heat up.

See if he has any contact numbers for the palliative community team (or Google it for your area) and call them too. [Flowers]

Springadorable · 16/05/2025 21:41

It's a hard one to mention, but if you're looking at a relatively short timescale I'd contact a hospice. They were brilliant for my friend in her final months. X

smallstitch · 16/05/2025 21:41

Is there a local hospice? I’m not sure if you’re the same poster from the other day? If so I mentioned hospices on that post so sorry to repeat.
And yes, I’m sure it’s adult social services you’d contact.

Littletreefrog · 16/05/2025 21:41

That sounds very difficult OP, have a hug from me. I don't have much expertise in this but I think if it was me I would call adult social services and see what they suggest.

Original poster
Totallybannanas · 16/05/2025 21:36

Just to add he is in social housing and doesn't have more then 10k in the bank. Is it a case of an emergency social care assessment? I don't know how long he has left but I'm dealing with anti social neighbour, terminal cancer, mental health and a some one who is elderly.

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