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Original poster

How to access care for elderly dad who lives alone and diagnosed with cancer

34 replies

Totallybannanas · 09/05/2025 09:59

He is currently in hospital due to not being able to eat or drink during to stage 4 oesophageal cancer diagnosis. He is having a stent fitted and then will be allowed home. I am worried sick, at the moment he is mobile and fairly independent, but he looks fragile after his hospital stay and seems to be deteriorating because he can't eat. The stent will hopefully help with this. I'm worried about him coming home, as he is very anxious due to regurgitating and worried about choking especially at night. I am worried about him eating the right things, managing any pain. At the minute, we only have a telephone number for oncology and cancer nurse. I have taken time off work to visit and provide emotional support, as he is afraid of being alone but I can't be with him 24 hours a day. I plan on staying a few nights in an air bed to see how he goes, but ringing anyone for help out of hours is a nightmare. He is social housing and has less then 10k in the bank.

OP posts:
Original poster
Totallybannanas · 09/05/2025 15:31

He's never been in hospital before and is normally fit and healthy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Totallybannanas · 09/05/2025 15:31

Thank you, the difficulty I'm finding is the nurses are constantly changing so hard to pin point one nurse responsible for his care. The one on shift today is especially hard to talk to 😕

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 09/05/2025 14:16

thischarmimgwoman · 09/05/2025 14:11

Make it very clear to the hospital staff that you cannot be there all the time. Needs referral to Adult Care and District Nurses as minimum. Would someone have a discussion with him to see if he’d like to be discharged to residential care to have company/ supervision 24/7?

Yes - hospital staff (in my experience) are very good at assuming that a female relative will provide 24 hr care.

In my area, when a patient is over the age of 70, the hospital and social work are supposed to liaise in order to provide an interim care package. I only found this out after my then 71 yr old husband was discharged from hospital with no warning after a problematic* triple bypass. (I was working full-time and also providing care and support for my parents.)

This is going to sound cold, OP, but be prepared to play hard ball with hospital staff if need be.

ETA Had to have a second op to have the sternum re-wired and needed two blood transfusions following perforated stomach lining caused by nursing error.

DoNoTakeNo · 09/05/2025 14:12

He may need specialist equipment at home (a hospital bed so he can lay comfortably without risk of choking for example) - I think A S C may be able to help with that.
If he is still in hospital, and you believe it is not safe for him to be discharged, then you may be able to advocate for him to stay there until his home is safe for him to live in.
MacMillan may also be a source of advice, either on their website or by phone.

I wish you the best of luck going forward & hope that your DDad gets all the support that he deserves xx

(I’ll admit to being way out of my depth here; I simply couldn’t read & not respond, not least just for a bump for you.)

thischarmimgwoman · 09/05/2025 14:12

Do you live near him?

thischarmimgwoman · 09/05/2025 14:11

Make it very clear to the hospital staff that you cannot be there all the time. Needs referral to Adult Care and District Nurses as minimum. Would someone have a discussion with him to see if he’d like to be discharged to residential care to have company/ supervision 24/7?

Seagullsandsausagerolls · 09/05/2025 14:07

Best of luck I know how physically and mentally draining it is

Seagullsandsausagerolls · 09/05/2025 14:07

If he is currently in hospital the social worker should be in touch with you when setting up a care package for his discharge. I'm going through similar at the moment albeit a bit ahead. After discussing what the best options were our social worker gave me a list of homes that had available respite beds and we took it from there. Mum had six weeks respite and after another review and got a permanent place last week.

DoNoTakeNo · 09/05/2025 14:07

Hi @Totallybannanas this must be really tough on both of you at the moment, it’s a particularly challenging situation for any child of an elderly parent - and it is not your role to look after him 24/7, even though it may feel that way.
I believe that your council’s Adult Social Care should be your first port of call, especially so given your DDad’s financial situation.
Please phone them this afternoon & ask for urgent help.