I have left the rollercoaster-help me never get back on

How are things panning out for you @BlueLegume ? I've read your posts on in the Cockroach Cafe threads, this thread and the thread that caused this one. I really hope you and your DP are having happier times, that your 'D'B is stepping up etc.

On a positive note however @Morenicecardigans, his roller coaster is definitely coming to a halt because DH would appear to be in charge of the house sale and finances. The balance of power in DH's family dynamic has obviously shifted. Granted it's miserable trying to sell a house in those circumstances and navigate the funds, but his DM is not calling all the shots. Your DH is no longer powerless and reactionary, he's got the brakes. More weekends away would be the route.

You are probably right @Mum5net we have a bit more pain to go before he steps back.

Op good decision to put on your own oxygen mask first

It is OK to say NO sometimes

It is OK to have boundaries

Well done

I’m sure you’re right about their perception. But when they literally believe DC should sacrifice everything to put them first, using every emotional manipulation, they are the terrorists.

I started putting boundaries in a few months ago. Siblings have had to step up. I am still happy to help on occasions but not be taken the piss out of. Also, if they are not willing to help themselves at all I have informed them that the mantra of ‘you can sort it when I die’ will not wash with me anymore. They either get involved and help themselves while they still can or leave themselves at the mercy of whoever picks up the pieces because it won’t be me if I see no effort from them to help themselves. I can now say no you’ll have to find an alternative and not feel guilty.

If you do get back to helping out put in boundaries and stick to them.

To be clear though, I am off the rollercoaster too @BlueLegume. I am not wanted and I have very much stepped back and haven’t visited unless I want to or to support a sibling.

I dare say they reckon this place is an echo chamber. One man’s freedom fighter is another man’s terrorist and all that.

@SockFluffInTheBath I daren’t look either but it sounds like an echo chamber… unreasonable people gathering to reinforce each others delusions, no one daring to suggest a bit of self-reflection about what they are asking their DC to sacrifice or perhaps the cost to their GC.

Every time I see DF he tells me how much he wants to make sure his GC are ‘looked after’ meaning the grand gesture of inheritance (and more precisely changing his will so GC benefit not DC because I am so undeserving). All the while completely failing to recognise that what his GC need is their parents, unbroken. It is most deflating when I say I do not expect to inherit anything and that he knows his solicitor’s number and email.

A few upset (for their own sake, what they have lost), quite a lot of bitterness and anger. Pretty sure there was a thread describing NC ACs (adult children) as narcissists 😅

I daren't look over there! Are they generally upset about it or is it just seen as you say as silliness and so not worth their while bothering? Do they say they are upset or sad?

Interestingly, I had a nose on gransnet earlier (finding a link for a friend) and there is a whole board dedicated to ‘estrangement’. Fascinating to see how we tie ourselves in knots over this, put up with the FOG until we break, and it’s all dismissed as selfishness, silliness, modern fads. Not the slightest hint any of them could possibly have done anything to cause it.

Stay strong Blue, in the name of all that is holy, stay strong.

@Morenicecardigans Sounds like DH is not at the stage of rollercoaster dismount. He's still riding the peaks and troughs, although it's pretty much all troughs, I bet.

@BlueLegume as a professional in the Adult Care sector I think you are brilliant.
I have watched demanding people have their family members tied up in knots of Obligation when there is actual, professionally help avaliable .
I have seen many family members reduced to tears.

I wish DH would put some boundaries in place. My greatest fear is that he'll have a stroke or heart attack and MIL will live on. We had such a lovely weekend away and now it may as well not have happened DH is stressed about taking MIL to the care home when she usually manages to upset FIL, stressed about dealing with the sale of PILs house and stressed making sure there is enough money to pay FILs care home fees.

Bless you. I am sorry you're struggling too. As with @BlueLegume - it is NOT your fault. You neither created this situation nor asked for it. You are doing them best that you can in a wretched position.

I think we often feel so terrible because we take upon ourselves the guilt and emotion we'd feel if we treated people the way our tormentor treats us - AS WELL AS the pain and despair that they inflict upon us. They, of course, have no such guilt or emotion themselves because they are so emotionally, morally and spiritually bankrupt that it just washes off them, or even amuses them.

You're a decent person despite - not because of - the baggage with which you have unfortunately been lumbered.

But you can break free. You can. Like lovely @BlueLegume and others have done. It's not easy, but it will be worth it. You're going to make it. Keep going. xx

'It is very early days for me BUT I feel stronger and less stressed simply having chosen to make a change.'

Yes! Can relate so much to this. It does you good to stand up for yourself and assert yourself. I'm feeling stronger and more peaceful too x

Just another person saying well done for being so strong. I posted on your other thread a few days ago and you were in a bit of (seemed to me) this is all fab advice but I can’t take this advice my situation is different . I don’t know you but I’m so proud of you, you must be feeling it in your stomach though x

@BlueLegume
I was under a couple of different names, but I was on the boards for a long time before having a nervous breakdown dealing with my mum

I was just asking a question as I try not to be on here too much and I didn't know what had happened and I couldn't tell from your links.

I wish you all the best 💐

👏👏👏Well done @BlueLegume this has been coming for some time. This is a really positive step for you and your own family.

If you are not currently in therapy having some more lined up so that you can talk to them through this process might be helpful in staying strong. I really found talking to the one I had when I was dealing with my DAunt's situation helped with the FOG and helped me stay strong in saying no to the pressure from social care on me to rescue the situation. I know that you may face pressure from your Mum, your siblings and potentially the other services going forward once they start having to deal with her more so getting some support in place for you just in case.

Now what lovely thing are you going to do for yourself today?

'You have 100% done the right thing, the best you could to secure a happier future for you and all those who truly love you. You deserve the brighter, freer future that is to come.
Every possible good wish to you. It will be alright'

Lovely words @REP22 , thank you for sharing. I'm going through something a bit similar and I find them very comforting x

Top stuff @BlueLegume - I am a lurker in the Cockroach Cafe and am under a different name in the 'quotes from Narc Mums' ones, I've really felt for you through your posts. And you have been so encouraging and supportive of others.. I'm so pleased you've been able to pull away from this toxic hellmouth.

You have 100% done the right thing, the best you could to secure a happier future for you and all those who truly love you. You deserve the brighter, freer future that is to come.

Every possible good wish to you. It will be alright. xx

Congratulations ... I guess? Well it's been a long time coming ... this is a sincere suggestion, but perhaps some therapy for you OP because the way you are dealing with this seems extremely overwrought. It sounds like you just can't deal with the way your parents are, and of course it can be extremely difficult, but therapy might help you stop churning it over and over.

Or a time-consuming new hobby or job to take your mind off it all as it has become a whole obsession in recent months. I don't think continuing to post about it on Mumsnet will be all that helpful, because everything that could be said has already been said. Maybe you disagree.

Since writing down 'Mr Blue' in my post yesterday the earworm of ELO's Mr Blue Sky has constantly rung around my head. Just googled and, hey presto, it is one of the happiest songs ever written!
Apparently it has 180 bpm, played in the key of F Major. which is an important factor in determining the happiness of a song.
I propose that if anyone steps off the rollercoaster they add this to their playlist and start singing it to themselves whenever under threat of return...

Lyrics
Sun is shinin' in the sky
There ain't a cloud in sight
It's stopped rainin', everybody's in the play
And don't you know
It's a beautiful new day? Hey
Runnin' down the avenue
See how the sun shines brightly in the city
On the streets where once was pity
Mr. Blue Sky is living here today, hey
Mr. Blue Sky, please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long (so long)
Where did we go wrong?
Mr. Blue Sky, please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long (so long)
Where did we go wrong?
Hey you with the pretty face
Welcome to the human race
A celebration, Mr. Blue Sky's up there waitin'
And today is the day we've waited for
Oh, Mr. Blue Sky, please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long (so long)
Where did we go wrong?
Hey there, Mr. Blue
We're so pleased to be with you
Look around, see what you do
Everybody smiles at you
Hey there, Mr. Blue
We're so pleased to be with you
Look around, see what you do
Everybody smiles at you
Mr. Blue, you did it right
But soon comes Mr. Night creepin' over
Now his hand is on your shoulder
Never mind, I'll remember you this
I'll remember you this way
Mr. Blue Sky, please tell us why
You had to hide away for so long (so long)
Where did we go wrong?
Hey there Mr. Blue (sky)
We're so pleased to be with you (sky)
Look around see what you do (blue)
Everybody smiles at you

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: Jeff Lynne
Mr. Blue Sky lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC