Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Moving in with my elderly DM- I'm starting to panic- please tell me your success stories!

89 replies

darksideofthemooncup · 21/04/2025 16:02

We ( me, DH and DD 17) have made the decision to move in with DM. She is 82, mentally very switched on but getting frailer with various physical health issues. Her house is big enough for us all but it will still be an adjustment and she can be very opinionated and demanding.

Please tell me some success stories, DH and I both work full time and DD is at college full time, and I know the majority of her care will fall on me.
Financially this will be beneficial to us as we are currently renting, but we won't be able to stay in the house forever as she has taken equity release on the property and I have a DB who will be expecting half of what's left whenever anything happens to DM.
I'm just a bit scared that this is going to all go horribly wrong!

OP posts:
Original poster
darksideofthemooncup · 21/04/2025 16:23

MumChp · 21/04/2025 16:20

You can save money to get a home?

Be careful 'opinionated and demanding' would mean a no thank from me to move in taking on care duties.

Probably not enough to buy anywhere, she is deathly afraid of going into a care home, so that's not an option.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 21/04/2025 16:23

Good Luck

Notsolongthistime · 21/04/2025 16:22

darksideofthemooncup · 21/04/2025 16:17

Various reasons, but this really isn't the issue. I just want to hear that it has worked for other people, the elderly board is full of horror stories!

Show quote history

Well it kind of is actually

she could have used that for home care

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 21/04/2025 16:22

How will you manage her care when you both work full time?

Notsolongthistime · 21/04/2025 16:21

Bloody awful for your teen daughter op

Cerialkiller · 21/04/2025 16:21

I would use this time, which might be quite short to save as much as possible with the intention to move out when the caring situation becomes untenable. The cost of these savings will be your own time and wellbeing so I think you will need to take stock every month or so to really consider how you are coping with everything.

You will need to be aware that your very presence in the house will mean you will end up caring for DM more then before, it will be easier for you to request your help. Watch out for this.

One other thing to note. Have you seen the equity release details? You need to be very careful with these that they don't simply drain your DM entire estate. The main concern is that there will be nothing left at the point that a care home is needed, limiting your options.

Are there no other options e.g. downsizing?

FasterthanBolt · 21/04/2025 16:20

Don't do it. We moved MIL in but we have a great relationship, we get on well and put a lot of boundaries in place from both sides. She needs a little bit of help with care needs but nothing substantial and it has been agreed that carers will be used when needed so she can keep her dignity and we wont feel pressured to help. I assume you are mainly moving in for financial reasons but I don't think it's going to work, you'll resent her pretty quickly l.

Original poster
darksideofthemooncup · 21/04/2025 16:20

Youvebeenframed · 21/04/2025 16:19

You’re a braver woman than me 🥴
”opinionated and demanding” would soon change from being a quirk to a really divisive issue when you’re all living together.
Not a chance I could do this - good luck 😬

That's what I'm afraid of - it's decided now so no going back!

OP posts:
MumChp · 21/04/2025 16:20

You can save money to get a home?

Be careful 'opinionated and demanding' would mean a no thank from me to move in taking on care duties.

Youvebeenframed · 21/04/2025 16:19

You’re a braver woman than me 🥴
”opinionated and demanding” would soon change from being a quirk to a really divisive issue when you’re all living together.
Not a chance I could do this - good luck 😬

Original poster
darksideofthemooncup · 21/04/2025 16:17

Notsolongthistime · 21/04/2025 16:14

Why has she taken equity release on the property?

Various reasons, but this really isn't the issue. I just want to hear that it has worked for other people, the elderly board is full of horror stories!

OP posts:
Notsolongthistime · 21/04/2025 16:14

Why has she taken equity release on the property?

Notsolongthistime · 21/04/2025 16:14

Oh it will also help you save. Ok so a quid pro quo. Makes more sense now!!

Notsolongthistime · 21/04/2025 16:13

Good grief op

Extensive home care? I mean surely that’s the first step before moving entire family in to her home and you becoming her carer

Swipe left for the next trending thread