Moving in with my elderly DM- I'm starting to panic- please tell me your success stories!

Me, my mum and dad did this in the 2000's. Mum was a nurse which helped. And from my teens onwards I spent school and college holidays picking up most of the load (body washes/bathing, cooking/feeding etc) to give my mum a break. Later once I moved out I would spend Sundays back at home caring for my nan. Even sat with her in hospital as she died and it was nice to have that connection.

I don't resent it in terms of the care I gave my Nan, so would consider it a sucess story in the terms you are looking for - but am very distant from my own parents now as I feel they exploited my labour for their financial gain (they ended up with enough money for a lovely house) - so maybe just watch out for the impact on your relationship with DD.

I know of a case that is quite similar to this and they all seem fine. In this case the house is huge, which I guess helps, and they do have some outside help, at least a cleaner a few mornings a week that I know of.

I haven't done it , but I can see that you will all need clear, firm and explicit boundaries.
It will be difficult for you as it is her house and she is used to doing things in it her way, but you are used to running your own household and doing things your way. I'd say don't make any assumptions, and keep talking. Even things like what time will you have dinner, is that flexible, do you meal plan or take things as they come? Spell out privacy rules, spell out who uses which bathroom and when, clarify when you will or won't be available. What happens if any of you have visitors, if you want a weekend away, don't feel like cooking dinner?
Consider if you need quiet time before or after work ( I do, I can't bear anyone asking me questions in the half hour before I go to work).
If you all want to make it work, you will, but agree that you will keep the conversation flowing. Consider ways of updating people in the household, eg a WhatsApp group, shopping list and chores on Google Keep, communal diary system ( a paper one in the kitchen and an online one). Decide who will pay for what.
Make it clear to your brother that he will still need to have input, and decide what that will be and when ( eg he will come and stay for 3 separate weeks and 4 weekends a year while you and DH go away, and Mum will go to stay with him for another 3 weeks).
Be clear that you are intending to continue working fulltime, and so if Mum becomes more fragile you will need carers coming in, and that will not be paid out of your pocket. You may need to be very tough about that, and it might even be better boundary wise if you were to work outside the house at least some of the time.
Good luck!

Not done it but my GM did it with her DF. She resented it as her and my GF couldn’t just go out for dinner for example whenever they wanted it they were already out, as had to get back for my GGF. They never felt they had their own space. And he was a lovely man!!

From my experience of moving back in with parents (albeit different circumstances);

Get clear on the ground rules and expectations from the start. The issues tend to come from crossed wires or different valid views.

And accept that it needs some admin. When everyone knows where they stand, it’s generally smooth. Big stuff and small stuff.

Who pays which bills.
Whats the deal with the main living area and control of the remote.
Who tells who where they’re going / coming home / locking up / taking keys.
Who’s cooking meals, how they know who they’re cooking for, what the deal is if you change your plan / what time the meal is.
How the laundry works. One basket that’s worked through by everyone. Separate baskets and do own, mix of the two.
How the shopping list works (one on the fridge, add stuff that’s needed to it, know what day the shopping is happening and if you’re going to use something up before then then you sort the top up).

Otherwise you get the ‘I was waiting on you for dinner’, ‘where are you going, what about my tea’, ‘you woke me because you got locked out’, ‘theres no milk’ ‘my hand wash only bra got hot washed’ etc.

DON’T DO IT OP, unfair on your DH & DD, these arrangements never usually end well. I wish you well.

I don’t think I’ve heard a single success story involving the whole family moving in, and a demanding opinionated parent.

You may end up having to move out again in 6 months time.

It’s not a choice I would make. Especially with a 17 year old.

My advice to make it bearable - save like crazy while you’re there because you have no clue how long or short that will be, or how much notice you’ll get to vacate the property.

And every time you feel like you’re going to lose your shit have a look at your savings account.

What's your plan for who will do your mum's care during the day, when things get to that point and you're at work?

When you say 'there's no going back' what do you mean? Have you given notice on your current accommodation?

Has your mum made a will? Have you, her and your brother had a discussion about how you moving in - which saves them both worry and money on care - should affect who gets what percentage of the house after her death?

Constructive advice:
Make sure your DD has her own space - enough of it to invite her mates round when she wants to without annoying your DM.
Negotiate boundaries and expectations at the outset. My parents expected to be waited on hand and foot when we visited but ALSO wanted everything done their way.
Work out how the days are structured. Who is going to come home at lunchtime to check in on your DM? Will it be you every day or can you and your DH take turns?
Get started on future-proofing the house: grab rails, ramps, being able to care for your mother downstairs if/when she can’t manage the stairs any more (does she have a downstairs bathroom? Can you get one put in if not?)
How will the finances work? That discussion needs to be had.
Have you thought about holidays? - what happens when you and your DH/DD want to get away?

Not me, but my neighbour/husband and her mum.

They had separate living rooms. Carers did the personal care so that the mum maintained her privacy and dignity.

The arrangement lasted about 18 months until the mum’s death. I knew them pretty well and it seemed to work. The two teens liked having their grandmother there.

I’d advise setting good boundaries and talking over the issues posed upthread in a frank way.

Presumably the success stories won’t involve an opinionated and demanding mother

Nor moving the entire family in to her home rather than the other way round

If you become the main carer, solo, it’s going to break you even if your mum is sunny and non-critical.
I did it first my late dad, I don’t regret it, we actually had some good times and great laughs, but he was pretty easy going.
I had to give up my job because even working from home. Once medical appointments start piling up it’s just very tough.
She may be ‘deathly scared’ of going into a care home but at some point, she may need to.
One thing I would do is make sure you have sorted out POA, both medical and financial.

Of course it's not too late. So you just want to hear success stories? but as this board will prove there are very few of those. You seem like you want to bury your head in the sand. If she's demanding and opinionated now, do you think it will get better?

I moved in with my mother due to her health. She has dementia and mobility issues. But different to you, I still have my own flat which I let out, and will move back to when necessary. On the whole, it's worked out fine. We do have difference of opinions but we respect that will happen and try and compromise. We can get frustrated with each other sometimes but don't hold grudges or sulk. We talk. You will all need access to personal escape space. However hard though, I'm glad I've done it and we've been able to have this relationship. We've laughed a lot.

Not done it.

I would suggest 2 sitting rooms.
A clear discussion of boundaries and expectations.

The reality is she might live another 20 years.

What if your daughter leaves home earlier than she might have because of the dynamics, will you resent your mum?

What if something happens to you? Your husband isn’t going to take over the care.

The 50% your brother is expecting - will you resent that because you will be doing caring stuff with an ‘opinionated and demanding’ parent while he has been enjoying his life and retirement?

Will you and your husband get any alone time?

Will you have separate living spaces? Or will your mum be there every evening while you try to Netflix and chill?!

What did she spend the money on? Will she take another chunk out?

Will you do personal care or will you be getting carers in anyway for that?

Fuck me you’re brave.

Of course it's an option.
Don't let her take control over your time and life. I hope it'll be worth the trouble for you.

I hope your marriage is very strong op

OMG op. Don’t do it. It’s not too late. ‘Demanding and opinionated’? That’s slang for ‘making your life a fucking misery’. Do. Not. Do. This.

I suppose it is a “you scratch my back I will scratch your back” scenario op

so if moving in with a domineering and opinionated woman who requires extensive care is going to help your family buy a house…. Then every time you feel like imploding, check you bank balance!

Are you doing it to save your self money, to provide care for your DM or a mixture of both?

Just be aware that once you have moved in, it will be incredibly difficult to get external support. You will be expected to oversee all her personal care, all her appointments, make sure she is eating properly, etc. That’s why I asked about the full time work - the only people I know who have made a success of this sort of move have done so because they gave up their own lives for it, including their work.