Moving in with my elderly DM- I'm starting to panic- please tell me your success stories!

There’s a reason the board is full of horror stories, not success stories. Mine are next door and that’s too close by half. Always, always, always put your DD first OP. Good luck (if it actually is too late to not do it).

As her needs increase it will become harder and harder. My husband was getting up 3 times in the night to check on his mum (visiting loo and scared of her falling). It became unmanageable as we could not go out together so regrettably she went in a home - which was a disaster due to covid.

Your DM is unlikely to stick to the separate sitting room idea. She will want to be involved in your lives and will want to voice her opinions on everything from the way you do your laundry to the time your DD gets up in the morning. This will inevitably impact your marriage. I know, I've been there. What will happen when the house is sold? Will you have realistically saved enough to buy a property? If you will be returning to the rental market then it's hard to see what benefit you'll actually get from this arrangement apart from a potential divorce and a lot of drudgery in between.

I moved my mum in with me in October 24. She has a separate living area but there is no escape and I feel 16 years old again answering to her. She thinks I’m her carer and I now have the additional worry of her. If I could turn back the clock I wouldn’t do it again . To sum it up I feel my life has become smaller at a time when I should be enjoying my early 60s. Kids are grown and gone and my husband had a heart scare last year. I feel something may happen to him and I will never have been afforded the time to spend with him. Think carefully but honestly look at other options

What kind of care does she need that your husband can provide?

This could turn into 24/7 split between you and your husband. Are you both willing to do that?

I would agree some strong boundaries with your DB rather than your DM. If he's to benefit from half of what's left, then he helps. No excuses, even if it means he pays someone else to do it. You will end up carrying 100% of the mental load otherwise especially clearing the house afterwards.

I lost my Dad a short while ago and I wish now that I'd moved him in with us for the last 12 months as I spent most of that year in my car driving back and forwards to his house. Make the most of this time with her especially while she's still well.

I think like pp above said - think how you will enforce letting your mum do what she can. It will be easy to just slip into doing something and then carry on

have you got separate living areas? That really helped when my stepson moved in with his nan

and yes you can still have adult social services in to do personal care - it doesn’t have to fall on you - but yes you will end up doing the immediate and urgent stuff

God difficult. They dont suddenly become nicer. I think 2 sitting rooms good. Do you get any break op. I just feel these things drag on for years op have you siblings to help out.

You’re brave or foolish
my DMIL moved in with her mother and moved out after 3 years of utter hell and total controlling bad behaviour from her “Dm” it vary rarely works out
think hard is my advice to you

Yes, save and save at least for first six months or at least until you know which way it is headed.
I’d assume it is for short term so I wouldn’t spend anything on decoration or furniture that is specific to DM’s house.
i woukd also encourage DM to be as independent as possible.
i would also encourage to cook for herself at least a couple of days a week.
Were you the instigator?
What does your DB say?

I have done this with DF following a fall in January 2024. I took some unpaid leave and stayed with him whilst he got over the shock and then brought him to stay with me. We do have separate houses; mine was a farmhouse and his was an adjoining barn, so at least there is a bit of separation from one another. However, I do all shopping, cooking and laundry and have pretty much taken on all life admin as he is now 90 and really struggles with anything computer-based. I work 3 days per week. DH works full-time, often from home but has to be away a couple of days per month. Our DDs are now adults and live away from home.

Most of the time it's ok, if a bit tying. DF gets his own breakfast and lunch, unless I am making soup for lunch, which he loves. He is always appreciative of everything and quite generous too.

The issue I have is my awful sister who on the one hand resents me doing all this because it makes her look less than perfect, but on the other hand thinks she can complain about every decision I take. She lives abroad and DF is adamant that he does not want to visit her there again. If I want a break, she is normally ok about coming over to look after him but it has to be in his flat, rather than here because I cannot cope with the idea of her or her tosser of a husband being where I have to live and work. I have told her that as long as it fits round my job, I will drive him back there and collect him.

Our situation was somewhat forced on us, but we did have a long taste of it during Covid when DF stayed for several months. My DDs are very close to DF, especially DD2 who became his de facto driver. I think you have to set ground rules as to whose responsibility things are, and also if you haven't got one, get sorted with LPAs sooner rather than later. Make sure your brother knows exactly what the situation is; otherwise if he's like my idiot sister, he may make things up to fill in the gaps. For the most part, it's a privilege to spend this time with him - I don't always feel quite so benevolent!

Your DH will be happy to wipe your Mums bum for her ?
How does she feel about that?

Don’t do it is my sincere advice.

Opinionated people don't suddenly become pleasant just because you ask them to. This sounds very, very difficult, and does seem very unfair on your DD.

I wouldn’t in a million years move in with a demanding elderly mum . Recipe for misery .

I think in your position I would save every penny of the money you have saved in rent - watching that will really help you see the point of doing this.

I'd get the stair lift installed now - paid for by her if she can - so that it's easier for her and less demanding on you right from the start.

Tell your brother he has to pull his weight. It's not on that you and your family have to do everything.

Is there space for two living rooms? You will definitely need some time apart.

It's the fact she's so opinionated that's the problem, I think. Could you tell her in no uncertain terms before moving in that it's not going to work if she isn't pleasant?

Eh, I wouldn’t do it in a million years

We had an elderly relative move in with us, she got dementia and the level of care really ripped our family apart - and that was back in the days that she could eventually go into a really good dementia care unit attached to a hospital. It was too late really but you probably wouldn’t get that these days

I'd read all the above very carefully, I'd imagine there's good reason why there are so few success stories especially with an 'opinionated and demanding' parent in the mix. Over my dead body....

Who's going to do all the caring when you go on holiday? Is your brother moving in or external carers... I really hope you're not expecting your DD to do anything?

I think reframe it as you are able to save and leave it at that.
I was already at home when my father got very sick, it was a short period though (3 weeks). It was very hard as he needed 24/7 care. DM and took shifts, I can’t remember too much about it as there was shock, grief, comings and goings. I’m glad I was there for his last days.

My aunt briefly moved in with DM when she had dementia (I was there too). My aunt would sleep on the day and move around at night, she fell and went to hospital in the end.

Your mum may not be able to stay at home depending what happens health wise, you need to prepare for that too.

My DH and I work at different times( me in the morning/day, him in the afternoon/ evening so we will overlap on her care. She is currently able to do a lot for herself

…….but one day she won’t be able to wipe her bottom. Putting it crudely, is your husband going to do this? This is where external (ie paid for) carers are necessary.

@darksideofthemooncup as an ex HCP who has worked with a lot of carers and families over the years, this is the worry. Personalities involved do make a huge difference as even the most loving of parent - child relationships can be put under strain by caring. You haven’t mentioned how your husband feels or how his relationship is with his mil? Other people have already said most of what I would say but I would underline

1. Have an exit strategy- there is likely a time where your wishes and your mums directly oppose each other eg. Hospital admission / significant change in mobility, where your mum wants to return home but you feel unable to provide the care needed. Remember NHS and social work staff might presume you will continue to provide care in all circumstances !!!

1. Do you know your mums wishes around end of life and life extending treatments eg.if she has a severe stroke, develops dementia , becomes bed bound etc. You may have to make very difficult decisions and put you and your families needs above your mums…which can be difficult when you live in her home.

I wouldn’t want to go in to a care

but my god I wouldn’t hesitate if the alternative meant my already very overloaded daughter became my full time carer

Unfortunately I think there is a good reason there are few success stories. You say your parent is demanding, and that is likely to increase as she becomes more frail/immobile/develops cognitive issues. She could live for many years with increasing care needs. As others have said, social services will not be interested in helping as you are on the premises and will be expected to be the carer.

On a practical note, as you have POA you can claim attendance allowance on her behalf, if you haven’t already done so.

No one ever volunteers to go into a care home, but sometimes it is the best answer, so don’t discount that option if it becomes necessary.

I wish you good luck.