Moving in with my elderly DM- I'm starting to panic- please tell me your success stories!

One thing I’d say is plan for things earlier than you need them and try to automate as much as possible.
Set 4 weekly menus and get food delivered.
If your mum drives/taxis to appointments then try to get them moved. Many can be home visits e.g chiropodist, and you can set them up as recurring so that you don’t have to keep organizing them. As soon as one is done the next one goes in the calendar.

It’s the uncertainty that’s difficult. At 86 my mother was sprightly, sharp mentally with no care needs. Was planning holidays when a short illness took her in weeks. She had the life and outlook of a 60 year old.
My father at the same age has gone from similar to mixed dementia, incontinent, immobile, with 2 carers 4 times a day in a shockingly short time frame.
Good luck x

You need clear boundaries. What you are prepared to do, what you aren't and at what point you will no longer be able to provide the care and/or be getting in external help. You need to make it clear that just because it is their house and you are providing care, you are not a servant and there are things that you will not tolerate.

I would suggest you start with a care needs assessment so that you have a clear starting point. This will enable you to all sit down and work through needs and communications.

I live in with my elderly parent. It works fine, but is not without stresses. You are never 'off'.

I have a friend who did it (no partner or kids). Her dm was lovely, not demanding or opinionated. Nevertheless, it was very difficult indeed- friend lost all independence very quickly. Strongly suspect her mother was stoically silent. It went on for 4 years, at which point dm died, everyone sighed with relief, friend got house etc.

Sorry OP that I don't have a success story to share. The way you describe your anxiety about this change makes me worry too! I can only suggest that if any of you is very unhappy after say six months, you give yourselves permission to look for a different solution. Your mum is in a good state cognitively which will make it easier to explain what is and isn't working for you, DH and DD, and negotiate if necessary.
I hope it works out, but not every decision made in good faith has a good outcome and people are allowed to change their minds.

It is OK to say NO sometimes

If you can afford it, ensure that you still go away for day breaks & holidays

If your DM is OK to be left for short periods of time or get other family & friends to help

Suggest get health & wealth POA in place ASAP

https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

You made your decision and you are going to have to make the best of it. From my experience (as a carer for my DF), I would make sure you have everything in place for your DM now and not to wait until she needs it.

For example, Attendance Allowance, stair lift, walk in shower with a fixed seat on one of walls and all the necessary safety rails. If she hadn’t got one - a riser/recliner chair with an over-chair table. If she has sufficient funds, consider a riser/recliner bed with a Smart TV in her bedroom and another over bed table. Also consider a commode chair for her bedroom for nighttime emergencies just in case she cannot get to the bathroom in time.

Consider making a fortnightly or monthly menu for your meals and getting your shopping delivered. Print it out and stick it on your fridge so that everyone knows what food to prepare and then it doesn’t become your default job. Ditto a cleaning schedule.

You might like to think about contacting a local care company that can provide an occasional hot lunch for her. If she gets used to carers coming in, it will make it easier for you to transition to full time carers if you would like to take some time off.

Your DM may already have some of these things in place so it’s just a question of getting everything you need to make this arrangement work for everyone.

Good luck.

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

Recommend
Apply for attendance allowance for your DM it is not means tested

I’ll offer a different opinion OP. My dad promised my mum that he wouldn’t put her in a care home. We had carers 4x a day, paid for by the local authority when her savings ran out and then the nhs when she qualified for chc. She died at home.

My life would have been immeasurably easier if I had lived with them with my family in a house big enough to accommodate us all. Inevitably even not living with us I ended up doing significant personal care and spent a lot of time away from my own family which caused tension. When it snowed for instance the care agency “couldn’t get there” so I left my family and drove the 10 miles 3x a day in the snow instead. Frequently the agency couldn’t perform the care package.

Make sure you set up carers coming in and I actually think it may be easier than having to visit etc. I would have done medical appointments etc anyhow though - I guess it is different if you are a visit for an hour on Sunday sort of person. I appreciate that care homes are easier for family (although you still have the visiting issue) but they are not the right option for all families. You sound like you are quite involved in your mums life and with appropriate boundaries this may well make your life easier - not least because you will also not have the uncertainty of renting for that period.

My friend had her mum move in with her and her partner (no kids) and she stayed until the end

It worked for them as the partner was her full time carer while my friend worked from home (civil service) but it was difficult and she was very close to her mum.

As the dementia advanced the mum had several strokes and for the last year was bed bound, it took both of them to take her to the toilet and she basically was in a. hospital bed in their lounge.

They had things like PoA in place and towards the end had some support with palliative care, but they did the caring themselves. She died at home.

OP I wish you luck.

It can work - me and DH and our 2 teens live with his mum who is in her late 80s and has several health problems.

But we have a separate living room so we don't have to watch constant granny tv, which keeps us all sane.

The kids see more of her than they would if she was in a home and I think it's good for them to be able to help in small ways (making cups of tea, changing DVDs, nothing major).

The worry is that her health will deteriorate further and we'll have to spend a lot of time with her, which could impact the kids. She's adamant that she won't go into a home, but she bloody well will if we get to the point where we can no longer manage. I think it's helpful to have an end point in mind, which may not be end of life, and be flexible and prepared for things to change.

And be kind to yourselves.

If you’re going to do this, definitely have an escape plan. Maybe agree with your DH to do it initially for one year, during which you both save as much as possible.

After that year, you sit down and have an honest conversation about whether you both want to continue.

Realistically, your mother could live another 10 - 15 years or more, with her abilities only ever diminishing in that time and her needs growing.

And that’s without throwing a difficult and demanding personality into the mix.

Agreed.

Although make sure your plans take into account that one day she may need to go into a home - just so you have an exit route if needed.

My Dad, as another PP has mentioned, is a pretty easy man.

We use one month's respite at a care home annually to give us a break.

When it's at its most difficult (I'm tired, middle of the night and have urine or faeces to clear up as well as Dad to put in the shower) it's times like this that I.know I'm on the edge of coping and one day, if it gets more common, I may well need to accept I cannot help anymore.

But I will have done my best. And I must be satisfied knowing that.

Difficult and demanding...??

Not a chance. I think the only success stories are either where the person has no real care needs or they're very affable, easy people.

My dad enjoys being awkward he boasts of it... Now I'm living it..... It's utter hell.

No easy exit plan...

There was no intention to become a full time carer... I just spent increasing times as dad had a fall/needed medical appts /couldn't work the phone....

I was at 2.5 hour distance... I just stayed over more and more away from my partner ... I didn't 'formally' live here until the 6 month mark...when he was diagnosed with an agressive terminal cancer, my health could cope no longer with the travelling... No social care to speak of... Managing indifferent carers a nightmare.... So i moved in for last few months...

This was 18 months ago... Dad is still in rude health... My health is shot.

Good luck OP

I am currently contemplating this. Mum 88 and increasingly frail/falling. I am in the medical industry, 51 single and no children - Already do the majority of caring for her with some help from Brothers and sister.
She needs more help, i can save a LOT of money by moving in with her and being her full time carer (I currently rent alone). I cant bear the thought of her going into a home as I know she would hate that. I think although hard, it will be something I will look back on when she's gone and feel like I did the right thing.....

Dad's moved into our house. Although it's just me and DH.

Use it as an opportunity to save OP. I can see that being important for your future.

In the meantime, it's hard but rewarding. I feel privileged to be in a position that I can do this. However, whilst you cannot plan for where things will take you, assume that things won't be easy and may change on a pin head and she need care in a home because you cannot cope. But, to be fair, if you are in private rental then you could be given notice I assume at any point. So it's not much different.

Don’t forget it ….

I grew up in one half of a semi detached with my granny in the other half. So, completely separate living arrangements. That worked pretty well I think, partly because my granny required zero 'care' as such although definitely benefited from company, lifts and support if in hospital (only once in 20 years that I recall). It also worked because both my mum and my granny were very quiet and introverted women with immense respect for each other's lives and boundaries. My mum said that her MIL was her best friend. We all have good memories of time with my granny though she was quite formal so it was defined chunks of time and going away again afterwards.

One major issue was my dad's tendency to slip away 'to sit with mum' leaving my mum to tackle everything domestically (both allegedly working fulltime, though my dad's working history was pretty chequered). Keep lines of communication between you and your dp open.

I think the problem (as well as demanding personalities) is that the timing is unknown and unpredictable. If a parent only needed care for a short timeframe, then it would be doable. But you cannot rely on that. My mother needed care for nearly 10 years, and in the last three years she was immobile, incontinent and unable to feed herself. Ten years ago I would not have believed she would live that long. You cannot predict care needs and if you expect to be able to cope yourself, unfortunately events may prove you wrong.

I agree demons. Of course each family different. Mine is 83. Im def not being run ragged either by her. She good for her age. My friend is beyond stressed by her mother 80s. Sigh.

All the daughters I know who have gone down this road have ended up on antidepressants. Your mum would really let you do this indefinitely?!
Its not a sacrifice I would want my adult DC to make when they have jobs and their own families and lives to live and which should take priority.

@darksideofthemooncup if you are going to do this, you need to agree amongst you all under what circumstances DM will go into a care home or get formal support in the home. Very few people get to age the way they would choose to, and falls, dementia and more can lead to some incredibly high needs, high demand care requirements that are psychologically draining and physically exhausting. Just because a person wouldn't choose a care or nursing home doesn't mean they could end up there. You only need to read things like the Alzheimer's Society Dementia Forum to see how many people end up struggling or with a loved one sectioned to see how challenging the set up you are proposing is. Do some research, prepare for the worst and then go in to the situation knowing your response to a crisis.

I also echo other posters. You need to see the equity release terms. If your DM needs care the pace at which property is sold will not necessarily be set by you. It is a minefield.

We were in a different situation as we pooled resources with my parents and bought a house where we could live together. In the early days we were the beneficiaries of childcare provided by my mum as our children were young. After my dad died we had many years during which mum lived an independent life alongside us. However, as she became more frail, we took on more caring responsibilities, ultimately being her full time carers for her final six months. I don’t regret it but I am aware that we had a fairly easy time of it because Mum remained in quite good health until those last six months, at which point she declined fairly rapidly. So that period of full time caring was relatively short.

Having said that, it was probably the years running up to that final demise that were harder to navigate- we reached a point when we couldn’t reliably leave her at home alone for any length of time, so family holidays were a no go (this coincided with COVID so made little difference to us). We tried to go away for a weekend, and my brother came to look after mum - DB had no clue how to care for her and we ended up coming home early.

I’d strongly recommend looking at attendance allowance - by the time we got it, Mum was due the top level. You’ll inevitably quickly get drawn into managing financial decisions and medical appointments, and it’s quite surprising how those little things mount up.

I don’t envy you trying to make this work in your Mum’s house - where she is presumably used to having all the space to herself. We found it enormously helpful to each have our own living space. If you can create that within the house I would strongly recommend it.

As Mum deteriorated, we had to keep tweaking the arrangements that we had in place - it’s like raising a child in reverse with new ‘milestones’ such as no longer using the stairs or needing help with personal care. You need to be prepared to adapt and your Mum needs to adapt too. Will your DH get involved in her care? My DH was used to caring as he had a disabled sibling and so he was very actively involved in caring for Mum, but still a lot fell to me. I struggle to imagine how I’d have coped without DH’s support so I hope you have the same.

I will say that I found it rewarding and I am glad we were able to care for Mum at home up until her death. Thankfully her deterioration was mostly physical and she remained mentally healthy barring a few senile moments. If she had lost mental capacity it would have been much more difficult.

Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.