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Elderly parents
Original poster

Not sure what to do

36 replies

Noteatinglunch · 15/04/2025 01:40

My mum has dementia and can't cook for herself.

I don't live nearby but as far as I knew, everything was sorted because my sister was cooking her dinner and making her lunch for the next day.

I've just found out that my mum isn't eating her lunch. That means that she's not eating from 7am - 6pm.

I'm not sure what to do. I've tried calling at lunchtime to prompt her to eat but she's not picking up. She's either out walking or she can't hear the phone because she's not wearing her hearing aids.

I suggested organising a carer to prompt her to eat but my sisters don't want carers and say that she's fine because she eats twice a day.

I could order lunch to be delivered but my mum goes out walking and may not be there.

Any ideas?

OP posts:
Iudncuewbccgrcb · 15/04/2025 12:03

It sounds like you live away and are interfering/criticising in what the sister who is doing the bulk of the work for your mum is saying. How did you find out she isn't eating lunch?

It's very common for older people to have reduced appetites. Perhaps she just doesn't want to eat lunch?

If she's out for a walk over lunch, is happy with that and eating a good breakfast and a good evening meal then perhaps its not as big a deal as you are worrying about?

Original poster
Noteatinglunch · 15/04/2025 12:03

ruethewhirl · 15/04/2025 12:01

This. It's a long time to go between meals. You're right OP, if no one's available to give her lunch, this calls for carer visits if at all possible.

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Any ideas how I organise that?

OP posts:
ruethewhirl · 15/04/2025 12:01

DenholmElliot11 · 15/04/2025 02:05

That means that she's not eating from 7am - 6pm.

So she has her breakfast before 7am and her dinner after 6pm is that what you're saying? Because that's unusual. Who gives her those meals?

But the only way to get her to eat lunch is for someone to be there to physically give it to her like a carer as you suggested. What your sisters want is irrelevant it's your mums needs that have to be met.

This. It's a long time to go between meals. You're right OP, if no one's available to give her lunch, this calls for carer visits if at all possible.

Original poster
Noteatinglunch · 15/04/2025 11:57

crumblingschools · 15/04/2025 11:56

Time to get POA if you haven’t got one in place yet. Needs to have capacity to sign it. Health one only kicks in when capacity has gone. Can be more flexible with financial one depending on how it is set up

POA has already been done, my sisters have it.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 15/04/2025 11:56

Time to get POA if you haven’t got one in place yet. Needs to have capacity to sign it. Health one only kicks in when capacity has gone. Can be more flexible with financial one depending on how it is set up

Original poster
Noteatinglunch · 15/04/2025 11:50

DenholmElliot11 · 15/04/2025 02:05

That means that she's not eating from 7am - 6pm.

So she has her breakfast before 7am and her dinner after 6pm is that what you're saying? Because that's unusual. Who gives her those meals?

But the only way to get her to eat lunch is for someone to be there to physically give it to her like a carer as you suggested. What your sisters want is irrelevant it's your mums needs that have to be met.

My mum makes her own breakfast and, as explained, my sister makes her dinner when she gets home from work.

I don't have POA.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noteatinglunch · 15/04/2025 11:48

@DPotter I didn't say that my mum was wandering off. I said she goes for walks. She knows how to get to the park and how to get home. She walks for an hour a day for exercise.

OP posts:
DPotter · 15/04/2025 04:00

Noteatinglunch · 15/04/2025 01:48

She walks to the local park.

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Is this wise ?

My DM was a wanderer, scared us to bits as she would disappear for hours and was brought back by complete strangers on at least 2 occasions.

May I suggest you arrange for an assessment by local social services for the wandering off and the meals aspect. Even if your Dsis thinks things are OK now, sadly the situation will worsen and it's worth getting support in place sooner rather than later. For example carers to make sure she has breakfast & lunch, day centres etc. Local groups such as Aged UK, Alzheimer's society can be invaluable for local knowledge and active support with activity groups. My DM loved the local singing group.

DenholmElliot11 · 15/04/2025 02:05

That means that she's not eating from 7am - 6pm.

So she has her breakfast before 7am and her dinner after 6pm is that what you're saying? Because that's unusual. Who gives her those meals?

But the only way to get her to eat lunch is for someone to be there to physically give it to her like a carer as you suggested. What your sisters want is irrelevant it's your mums needs that have to be met.

Original poster
Noteatinglunch · 15/04/2025 01:48

crumblingschools · 15/04/2025 01:41

Where does she go walking if she has dementia?

She walks to the local park.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 15/04/2025 01:41

Where does she go walking if she has dementia?