Pressure on husband to do more

I’m sorry you are in this position, but you are making your sibling responsible for your choices.

Your parents however will be delighted to have pitted their children against each other, probably to make sure they both feel aggrieved. Your parents however- not your sibling have created this situation, misplaced anger and resentment being a key tool in the dynamic.

I also believe you should think about substituting the word “parent” for “abuser” in relation to your sibling, to help you more clearly understand their position.

Don’t forget you are choosing to run yourself ragged, you could and can step back. Don’t ask your sibling to in effect put themselves in harms way, so that you can act the martyr.

I was just curious as you said "Our relationship will never recover." I was interested because normally the golden child & the non golden child don't tend to have the best relationship because of the childhood trauma, you see it on here all the time. It was interesting to see a narrative where the relationship wasn't impacted by that. Is that ok?

@Trumpsgoneloco Not quite sure of your point (blame?) but yes. They’ve never held me responsible for our childhood & recognise I had little choice in our different experiences (there was no abuse in our childhoods - just differences that I’m not going to go into).

However, I expect they feel some resentment towards me too. Not everything is black and white and I’m sure they can also feel two things at the same time.

I am no longer involved in my mother's care because she facilitated my father's abusive behaviour as a child, and behaved unpleasantly to me through my adulthood. My brothers were praised and pandered to. They ring her, visit her and are involved in her care. I have explained to them why I have backed out. I am ready to discuss any changes in her health with them, and make very occasional visits at major family gatherings - maybe a couple of times a year. Perhaps if it is getting too much for the OPs sibling, then thinking about a carer, disability benefits etc is the next step.

@HerLadyshipHasSailed Our relationship will never recover.

Did your relationship actually recover from your childhood? In your siblings eyes?

Does he have a good relationship with his sister? Rather than helping his awful mother, could he do the jobs that support his sister and let her do the jobs that involve direct contact with his mother?

Surely he should be doing stuff to help his sister

I am the ‘golden child’ in this situation, although different family circumstances.

I absolutely acknowledge that my sibling has a different relationship with our (end of life) parent and they are under no obligation to care. They live one hour away from our parent, I live 4. Our situation is different as our other parent is still very much present. I go every week for 3 days to support them both as I can WFH. I am exhausted. Beyond exhausted. I have constant backache.

As I said, I understand their position & I know it’s my choice to care for our parents (however, I love them) but judge and resent my sibling for the pressure it puts on me - two things can be true at the same time.

Our relationship will never recover.

Does his sister acknowledge how badly your DH was treated by their mum when he was a child? She had a completely different relationship with their mum and wants to help her.

He shouldn't feel obliged to help with the care (in whatever capacity) of a mother who abused him as a child.