Pressure on husband to do more

I think given the circumstances and the relationship, your husband has no reason to feel guilty and shouldn't offer up more support as it would cause him stress and cost him financially.

If his Dsis chooses not to use a company for house clearance, that’s on her.

Spending a lot of time and energy for something that probably isn’t there is a personal choice, she can’t expect her DB to make the same decision.

I would have a lot more sympathy for her if she was doing ongoing care but as the DM is in the home
, it’s a one off issue and could be more easily resolved by throwing money at it.

I think it’s shorthand for them being angry that you’re dating to not meekly do their bidding too. My “D”M can be very much like this.

@BunnyRuddington l think house clearance is the only way in these scenarios. Who has the resources to deal with literal decades of random stuff?! It's a job in itself. It can take so long to make any progress with it all

Thanks for your concern but lm used to being told lm selfish. It's more a short hand for "lm angry you aren't doing EXACTLY what l say". It's safe to say me burning myself out, my husband having no annual leave for over a year (as he would have to cover all our childcare's annual leave and take unpaid leave to do this) and my children get little quality time with me (weekends consumed with travel and clearing plus no holidsys or annual leave). Is not something I'm willing to do

I’m so sorry that you’ve been put in that position too. A DF lost her DM last year, also a hoarder but never acknowledged.

After spending some time trying to clear the mess, she eventually agreed to house clearance. It was a recommended company and although not cheap it saved money in the long run as the house was fit for resale within a couple of weeks. Realistically I don’t see how my DF would have ever managed to clear all of the junk. We did help a little but it was a drip in the ocean.

Try and ignore the comments about being selfish, hard I know but I imagine the decision to go no contact was not taken lightly.

It's a big ask especially with the back story. To be fair him offering to pay for the house clearance would be a big help. His sister might not want to do it that way but sometimes compromises need to be made. She might want to martyr herself and have a very different relationship with their mum but he doesn't need to be dragged into it. I think a firm and boundaried approach is needed, especially if the sister has any bright ideas about you standing in for him

Sending sympathy as l have been approached by a family member to clear another family members home when they pass away, they are terminally ill and the prognosis is poor. Problem is l am no contact with the terminal family member, live 6-7 hours away and they are / were a hoarder. Realistically it would take numerous weekend and / or a years annual leave to deal with. I also work full time, have 2 pre-school children and a dehabilitating chronic health condition. I suggested house clearance (not me paying for it or organising it) and that has been shot down. I'm very selfish apparently 🙄

So he’s offered to pay for house clearing, that’s good. It’s up to her whether she accepts this help or not.

Has he sat with his DSus and explained why he moved away and why he’s not helping more?

My “D”M created a golden child and a scapegoat dynamic for a long time and wound often tell lies to keep me and my DSis apart. It was only by spending time together talking about what had being going on for years that made us realise how abusive she had been. We know she was awful, just not how awful.

I woukd see if he can talk to his DSis again about how awful his childhood was but acknowledge that hers might have been different. Reiterate that he can pay for house clearing, gardening ir a big clean before the house goes on the market. See if DH will do something like negotiate the sale to take pressure off his DSis but ultimately it is up to DH and hos DSis how much each of them gets involved.

She’s choosing this and making excuses. House clearance will only sort through what you ask them to, they will keep anything valuable, paperwork, photos etc back for you and just deal with everything else.

And at 14 hours away it’s ridiculous to expect practical assistance, even from someone who had a lovIng relationship with their parent!

I think you should tell him that it's not his responsibility and that he owes his parents nothing. If his sister relished being the 'chosen' one, even as an adult, she doesn't deserve his help.

There is often greed involved with golden children. Your husband has nothing to feel guilty about, sil is carrying the load for having preferential treatment all those years.

Nobody is under an obligation to care for someone else (unless they’re a parent, then caring for their child! Which the parents failed to do in this case).

It’s the sister’s choice whether she is involved or not. She doesn’t have to clear the house herself. That’s what house clearance companies are for. She could put the house on a management contract with the Estate Agent until it sells. She could get a solicitor to handle the financial side of organising care, billed to the estate. Obviously all of that costs money and would reduce the value of the estate, so maybe she is concerned about an inheritance?

My siblings are burning with resentment at being on call for last 20 years. I feel zero need to get involved in any capacity. My parents were vile. My siblings benefitted enormously over the years financially and have paid a heavy price in return. I moved abroad to get away from them all.
Your mil chose to abuse your husband and he owes her nothing. Good for him for sticking to his guns. Guilt fades but resentment eats you from the inside out. The old saying 'be kind to your children because they will be choosing your nursing home' is true.

Totally agree. The sister chooses to help the parent she has a good relationship with and your DH chooses not to help who he sees as a toxic parent. Its a shame that his sister cannot see or understand that.

@footle agree - I’m not going to respond further. Hope the thread helps the OP

OP, your thread has got hijacked with replies to another poster. You could ask MN to remove those posts.

Could your DH throw money at the problem, OP? So pay for someone to, say, clear the house? Just to help his sister but without involving himself physically or actually?

The current thinking is that the golden child / scapegoat dynamic is always abusive. To both children. So “abuser” is the correct term.

Your parents created this dynamic. Not your sibling. Look to your parents with your resentment.

husband had a horrible childhood , single parent mom , mentally abused from young age , locked in his room , told he was reason dad left , told never wanted a son.

Your husband owes her nothing. Glad he managed to get away. Carry on enjoying your new start abroad. It’s lovely that he has found you, someone who does actually care about him.

The golden child sister is choosing to do this administration work for your DH’s abusive mother (which would be done by the state in her absence). That is her choice.

Your DH could explain his view honestly and plainly to her. If the sister still chooses to blame him for her predicament (note: a pattern here surely?) that’s on her.

It does really come down to his relationship with his sister. Forget his mum. He absolutely does not need to visit her. She is in a home and cared for.

But clearing the house, selling it etc, is to help his sister not his mum. Can you talk to him from this point of view?

And once it’s done he can ignore his mum for the rest of her life if that’s his choice.

I cannot begin to explain how wrongly you are interpreting my situation.

And I don’t drive….

I think you need to try to acknowledge the cognitive dissonance you are obviously feeling, but are struggling with. You are rationalising all this as families are complex, and two things can be true at once.

At one level things look pretty simple to me. You are the acknowledged golden child and your sibling therefore is the scapegoat.
My guess is, you are the golden child for being biddable and compliant, willing to do whatever it takes to keep your parents happy.
Scapegoat made good his/her escape and has cast iron boundaries. You are still hopelessly enmeshed, but have been trained that boundaries are now patrolled.
You see their freedom and it is this you actually resent. Why won’t they help you out, now that it’s payment time for golden child status?

Why are you going there 3 days a week? Why are your parents happy for you to be run ragged presumably to the extent you are too tired to drive safely?
Why does it have to be this way?
If this isn’t martyring yourself, what would martyring look like (to you?).
What do you actually want to happen here?

No worries. i wasn't trying to apportion blame.

Apologies @Trumpsgoneloco it’s early and tone can be tricky to read / easy to misread. I’m sorry I misread your tone!

@Randomer27 thank you but you are incorrect in your summation. I do not hold them responsible; I’m not a martyr - I’m clear about my boundaries and I want to help to the extent I do. As said, two things can be true at the same time and I own my choice whilst still having an emotional reaction to the situation. Am human 🤷🏼‍♀️

Again, the term ‘abuser’ is also incorrect. My second post explains this but I’m not going to go further into detail. There’s no delight from our parents either. Families can be very complex.