Page 2 | 82 year old grandmother with health issues has booked a holiday with her friend who has suspected dementia to spain

LovingLurker · 2025-04-07T15:09:58+00:00

My lovely grandmother who I am very close to has booked a holiday to Spain with her friend who lives next door and has been her best friend for many years. Her friend is seeing people in her home at night that are not there and forgetting things. Her son her told the doctors and she is has an appointment she thinks is for. A check up but is try and start the process of seeing if she has dementia or what’s wrong with her,My grandmother has several health issues mobility issues and a really bad leg ulcer that won’t heal, we have taken her abroad with us and take her on holiday where we are there to support, something always goes wrong , and every time she forgets some medication, such as forgetting insulin while and only realising on a cruise ship. She is on heavy medication such as a high dose of morphine too. We really don’t feel this trip is a good idea , but they paid deposit and are admiment in going despite all this. I am sure they won’t get any form of mobile to work either as they both struggle. she said she will ask doctor if she is okay to go ? Do I call doctor with my concerns, do I just let them go ? I will also be 39 weeks pregnant and my mother her daughter is here supporting us with my toddler if I go into labour , I’m so concerned if something goes wrong we won’t be in the right set up to help her.

Hoppinggreen · 09/04/2025 17:33

Gemmanorthdevon · 09/04/2025 16:11

I would look into who she is travelling with, and where she is staying. Contact them to flag up disabilities and they will provide whatever they can in assistance. For example airport special assistance will meet them, get them on the plane and off the other end to their transfer...hotel assistance may ensure they have a single point of contact should they need any signposting during their stay. Think about the touch points and cover what you can. I'm afraid that's all you can do.

She is an adult and has capacity, therefore the right to make a decision no matter how unwise. However difficult that may be for you I'm afraid you have no right to intervene. Her friend with likely dementia also still has capacity, as the law says it's decision and person specific. They can both have a holiday if they want a holiday.

I say that with kindness and empathy, with real experience of how upsetting it is to have to watch someone you love take horrible risks.

Good luck, and I will pray for their safe return!

So OP can't intervene - apart from finding out who she is going with and where she is staying AND then contacting them (when they won't speak to her anyway as she hasn't booked anything) but apart from that has "no right to intervene"

AprilBunny · 09/04/2025 17:13

My elderly neighbour had a fall in the Caribbean island. She went by air ambulance
to Miami, stayed in hospital for a month. Luckily her travel insurance covered the 250k it cost.

BeakyFlinders · 09/04/2025 17:12

Oh heck, OP. No advice but hand hold. My late DF would have done this when he had dementia. It’s giving me vicarious grey hairs for you just thinking about it.

EmotionalBlackmail · 09/04/2025 17:10

It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. One of my friends went on a multi-generational holiday within Europe as a final andventure after a dementia diagnosis for one grandparent. Both grandparents, both adult children and partners went, plus three primary-aged children. It was somewhere they’d been before, relatively straightforward journey.

She came back distraught. The grandparent with dementia had struggled to cope out of their usual routine and in a strange place. They were distressed and needed at least one adult with them at all times as they started to wander. The four adults tag teamed it, the children were distressed by the distressed grandparent so had to be tagteamed differently, so they ended up running a shift system for most of the week with one adult with the grandparents, one adult with the children, one adult sleeping, one adult doing food shopping/prep.

it wasn’t exactly a relaxing holiday! And that’s with FOUR working age adults present.

AirFryerCrumpet · 09/04/2025 16:58

Eggtoastie · 09/04/2025 04:23

I can't imagine having the nerve to tell my dm at 82 what she could or couldn't do.

Some people actually like their mums/nans though.

MissMoneyFairy · 09/04/2025 16:26

Eggtoastie · 09/04/2025 04:23

I can't imagine having the nerve to tell my dm at 82 what she could or couldn't do.

They won't get insurance, I doubt the doctor would declare either of them fit for travel and when they become unwell they will cause extreme distress to op and ndn family who is left to sort it out.

Cornucopia55 · 09/04/2025 16:23

You sound like a lovely family - oriented person and a really responsible, thoughtful person
Ideas for other holidays - she might look at Saga holidays, whose main market is elderly people. Or coach tours in the UK. We sent my elderly father-in-law and his girlfriend on a deluxe coach tour of the Scottish Highlands and Islands. It included hotels along the way, ferries, tours of whisky distilleries, sightseeing... Most of the other people were adventurous seniors too, and they had a great time.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 09/04/2025 16:22

LovingLurker · 09/04/2025 08:25

her friend doesn’t believe anything is wrong with her . She is still in denial , but she is seeing people in her home at night and a few others things, currently her son has called the doctor anonymously as she refuses to go , and they have asked her to come in for an annual check up to start the process of checking dementia, or some medical condition of the sort. So she definitely won’t be declaring it to the travel insurance because she believes she is fine. Usually I manage to get my man a good travel insurance , make sure all her conditions are disclosed ect .

It’s pretty normal for people with dementia to fail to understand that there’s anything wrong with them - and it’s not usually ‘denial’ - the fact is that at any given moment they can’t remember that they can’t remember anything.
Can you tell I’ve had (far too much) experience?
I certainly wouldn’t take anyone with dementia symptoms away - as a pp said, a change of routine/environment can really throw them.
We took my DM away on a really nice holiday shortly before the first signs - no way would I have taken her afterwards.

Gemmanorthdevon · 09/04/2025 16:11

I would look into who she is travelling with, and where she is staying. Contact them to flag up disabilities and they will provide whatever they can in assistance. For example airport special assistance will meet them, get them on the plane and off the other end to their transfer...hotel assistance may ensure they have a single point of contact should they need any signposting during their stay. Think about the touch points and cover what you can. I'm afraid that's all you can do.

She is an adult and has capacity, therefore the right to make a decision no matter how unwise. However difficult that may be for you I'm afraid you have no right to intervene. Her friend with likely dementia also still has capacity, as the law says it's decision and person specific. They can both have a holiday if they want a holiday.

I say that with kindness and empathy, with real experience of how upsetting it is to have to watch someone you love take horrible risks.

Good luck, and I will pray for their safe return!

rookiemere · 09/04/2025 15:56

Her friend sounds like more a cause for concern unfortunately. As others have said with the dementia she will be much worse out of her usual place and routine and your DGM doesn’t sound able to look after herself never mind someone else.

Original poster

LovingLurker · 09/04/2025 15:52

@Terrribletwosif she decides to go I will sort out the insurance for her to make sure she is

OP posts:

Original poster

LovingLurker · 09/04/2025 15:47

@Saveafuni don’t think she should stop traveling , like I said we have taken her in last few years to Greece, Spain , a cruise , Chichester , the Lake District and we are taking her to Northumberland in June . I just understand her needs and the amount of support she needs so take her to do all those things given her multiple health conditions. In the 2 past week she has fallen asleep twice with food on the stove , and her friend is hallucinating people and not showing for appointments . I just want them to have fun safely .

OP posts:

Original poster

LovingLurker · 09/04/2025 15:38

Well this is it , I’m not exactly going to leave her stranded with no support ,

OP posts:

rookiemere · 09/04/2025 15:24

Thunderingfanjo · 09/04/2025 13:44

She's 82 and old enough to make her own decisions.The op should make it perfectly clear that shes not in any position to help should anything go wrong and that GM will have to rely on her insurance company to assist.
I personally think it's bloody marvellous that an 82 year old still wants to travel abroad and enjoy herself -let's face it she's probably not going to be jumping of a balcony in ibiza after a few to many cocktails,drinking de icer thinking it's local vodka or driving a moped wearing shorts and no helmet!

It’s all very well OP saying she can’t help if anything goes wrong, but if it did then she is hardly going to step away and do nothing to help her. Sadly the reality is it could cost thousands if DGran or her friend end up in hospital and the insurance isn’t valid. I say that as someone who loves travelling myself, I might feel differently if OP wasn’t so due to give birth.

I do think going somewhere in the UK is a much more sensible idea, because even if something does happen the NHs exists everywhere here so they would be fine for any immediate medical needs.

Shardlake63 · 09/04/2025 15:23

Eggtoastie · Today 04:23

I can't imagine having the nerve to tell my dm at 82 what she could or couldn't do.

I certainly could, in the sure knowledge that if the proverbial hits the fan then it would undoubtedly fall to the OP and her mother to sort out the ensuing mess and get granny safely home.

Eggtoastie · 09/04/2025 15:14

AThousandPiecesInAPuzzle · 09/04/2025 05:13

Would she have the nerve to expect you to sort them out if some thing shock horror surprise goes wrong though

No she was very capable and nothing ever did arise. Holidays were a great pleasure for her (in later life - grew up during the war and never had any then!) and she did them up till her final cancer diagnosis.
I would want her to have sorted out watertight insurance but how she lives her life is up to her.

Saveafun · 09/04/2025 15:02

They need good insurance, which might be prohibitive, but I can't believe the number of people who think they should stop living because they're old and potentially ill.

Original poster

LovingLurker · 09/04/2025 14:34

@Thunderingfanjoyou never know 😂I do like thinking of them this way . I did ask her what she wanted to go for Spain for anyway and she said “well just because I’m elderly doesn’t mean I don’t want to see the world” I did have a chuckle. I do think it’s great she has so much life in her I just worry is all

OP posts:

historyrepeatz · 09/04/2025 13:45

Sevenamcoffee · 09/04/2025 13:42

Dementia is likely to be more pronounced in a strange environment.

Absolutely this.

Thunderingfanjo · 09/04/2025 13:44

She's 82 and old enough to make her own decisions.The op should make it perfectly clear that shes not in any position to help should anything go wrong and that GM will have to rely on her insurance company to assist.
I personally think it's bloody marvellous that an 82 year old still wants to travel abroad and enjoy herself -let's face it she's probably not going to be jumping of a balcony in ibiza after a few to many cocktails,drinking de icer thinking it's local vodka or driving a moped wearing shorts and no helmet!

Sevenamcoffee · 09/04/2025 13:42

Dementia is likely to be more pronounced in a strange environment.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 09/04/2025 13:34

Make sure she has a GHIC card ... do it online. Hopefully she will see sense and not go.

CarpCarpCarp · 09/04/2025 13:32

OP, if she does decide she wants to go, but is going to ask the GP first, then I would absolutely call or email the GP to explain your concerns. They would almost certainly agree with you and the message might be better received coming from a doctor.

SnoozingFox · 09/04/2025 13:30

Happyinarcon · 09/04/2025 04:15

can she just go on a cruise instead? I have heard that some specifically cater for the elderly

Insurance for a cruise is WAY more expensive than for a traditional hotel holiday, due to the costs of potentially having to get you off by helicopter in an emergency. Have just been through this with parents in law.

Terrribletwos · 09/04/2025 13:27

LovingLurker · 09/04/2025 08:22

Well not really , because I take care of many aspects of my grandmothers life , on holidays she has been away with us and things have gone wrong it’s on me to organise her medication , call doctors , and sort out the insurance . She asks me to get several quotes. I spend the day atleast twice a week with her and it usually involves trips to the shop admin , calls or take she needs me to do. So while she maybe 82 , if something goes wrong it will fall on me to sort out , my mum doesn’t really understand how to sort all this stuff out .and usually I am happy to do it . But I will be 39 weeks pregnant with a toddler. I do not have the capacity to be on hand to assist if one of them get lost or have a fall or get sick , and from experience it always happens.

So is your Gm fully insured for this holiday?