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Elderly parents
Original poster

I mean nothing so why bother visiting

36 replies

BeMintFatball · 07/04/2025 08:55

I have an aunt who was the middle child. She never married and had no children. She has 2 living relatives her nephew, son of deceased older sister and myself. I am the daughter of her younger brother also deceased.

There is 19 years between me and my cousin. I do not have any relationship with him. My Dad didn’t invite him to my wedding and I think he was salty about that. But my Dad could never stand him.

cousin is her next of kin and has POA, Unbelievably aunt has lived 10 years in care homes. Bedridden. She is approaching 96.

She has been at current care home since the week of lockdown. She had the tv on all day with the curtains closed all the time because sun glare on the screen. She never sees daylight and doesn’t want to . I ask her , does she want the curtains open , she tells me no,

So yesterday I go to see her and take flowers. This meant I had to ask for a vase . And I met the guy in charge of. First time I have spoken to him. He didn’t know I exist!. He got her care plan that has a potted history of her life: family. No mention of me. He wrote me in as a ps aunt has a niece her phone number is ….

This means the previous care home didn’t pass on full notes. As I had to tell them my contact details too. Strong feeling my cousin won’t contact me when aunt dies.

I spoke to my aunt. I told her care home didn’t know who I was. If anything happened to her how would I have known? She shrugged. Aunt do you think cousin would have told me? Again shrugged. What do you think of that? Her answer laughing I couldn’t give a shit. Me because you would be dead? Her: that’s right don’t bother me, (still chuckling) Me; fair play Auntie

Why do I bother? I have a lot of health issues of my own. I’m epileptic, can’t drive the care home is impossible for me to reach with a lift from my husband. We have a disabled daughter and my own mother is 86 and frail.

After seeing aunt we called in my mother who needed a few jobs doing and the we drove home. It was a full day.

OP posts:
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Lisapieces · 11/04/2025 13:14

You have a lot of ideas about how things “should be”, a lot of expectations. You have no relationship at all with your cousin but still feel he has obligations towards you. Then you have all kinds of negative emotions when people inevitably don’t live up to your high expectations. Honestly I think this is something you need to address in yourself. Go visit your aunt or don’t go but you really need to put these expectations to bed.

Lovegame · 11/04/2025 13:05

You didn’t invite counsin to your wedding 19 years ago so he didn’t send you a Christmas card and then what happened? No contact again until your father’s funeral where you didn’t go and talk to him. Or have you had contact in the mean time?

Since then you have has been responsible for Aunt’s care while you visit every 3 months.

Or am I missing bits?

EmotionalBlackmail · 07/04/2025 20:07

Have they switched to residents’ having their own phones, probably a simple mobile these days, rather than a communal landline? Years ago one of mine had a communal landline patient phone in the home but that disappeared when mobile phones became more common and prices came down.
Another of mine could have their own landline phone in the room, which was billed to them?

Original poster
BeMintFatball · 07/04/2025 18:48

@Zucker 😂

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 07/04/2025 17:39

How did she behave towards you when she was younger? How much will she leave behind? Could this be a reason why your cousin isn’t keen on the care home knowing about you? It might be a ploy to cut you out. Keep an eye on it. Can you check to be sure that the POA is being used correctly?

Zucker · 07/04/2025 17:30

I hope when I'm 96 people aren't visiting me to read out missives of various relations illnesses and deaths.

They had better bring gin and a grin.

crockofshite · 07/04/2025 17:22

Cucy · 07/04/2025 09:41

You are being silly.

You only visit every few months and it’s not possible for every staff member to remember every family member.

If the old care home didn’t pass your details on then it’s a pain but no harm done as now your details have been added.

This was on you to check they had your up to date details if you wanted them to involve you in any updates.

It sounds like you’re trying to find an excuse to be annoyed with someone which would result in you not needing to visit.

I think the point OP is making is that aunt doesn't seem bothered.

Coffeeishot · 07/04/2025 14:54

Aww I'm sorry j misunderstood, apologies.

Original poster
BeMintFatball · 07/04/2025 14:51

@Coffeeishot I’m not upset at the staff. They can only go by the information they are provided. I’m upset at my cousin and as said in my OP we don’t have a relationship. My Dad hated him. Gave me a choice - did I want him at my wedding . Wedding paid for by Dad because that was still fairly normal 30 years ago. I wasn’t fussed. He didn’t get invited. With the power of hindsight, yes my cousin should have been invited. Cousin cut ties with me. I sent him Christmas cards he never reciprocated.

Dad dead, Mum invited him to come to the funeral. We had a buffet in a pub afterwards. Cousin refused to sit down . Remained standing the whole time and yes I did invite him to sit at the table. And that was the last I saw of him 16 years ago.

I shall write to him but I don’t expect a reply.

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 07/04/2025 13:54

BeMintFatball · 07/04/2025 13:25

Thank you for your sensible reply

She always wanted a long life but she is probably sick of living by now . Dark humour and a sod it attitude are probably getting her through

Show quote history

She is probably just done tbh, I know you are upset about the staff but they probably just see faces but don't actually remember everyone.

Original poster
BeMintFatball · 07/04/2025 13:45

@PermanentTemporary the newsletter was more in the vein of mum has been ill but survived and a way of letting her know I’ve been busy with mum. A message to bridge the gap until I could see her in person

I do take your point about bad news. We haven’t told her her longest friend died 18months ago. Mind you she would have been over 100 so I’m sure aunt suspects she has passed.

Good idea to sent more regular cheerful updates. She enjoys seeing photos on my phone of what my girls are doing. Might help me feel less bad about not being able to see her very much

OP posts:
TheodoraCrumpet · 07/04/2025 13:38

We discovered recently that omitting family members from the care plan isn't uncommon. In the months before his death FIL was moved from pillar to post, and every time only the relative who was there for the admission or transfer would be mentioned in the notes. This was easily rectified as both DH and SIL were frequent and proactive visitors, but it would be very easy to feel, or in fact be, airbrushed out if you weren't able to be as involved.

Original poster
BeMintFatball · 07/04/2025 13:30

@Anywherebuthere fair comment 👍🏻

OP posts:
PluckyBamboo · 07/04/2025 13:27

Presume you've never worked in a care home? The staff don't have time to drink water on a boiling hot summers day and certainly won't be scrutinising the visitors book!

Original poster
BeMintFatball · 07/04/2025 13:25

Coffeeishot · 07/04/2025 12:58

She's a bed ridden old woman probably in some cognitive decline and perhaps sick of living and that is giving her a dark sense of humour, just let it wash over you and just visit when you can,

Thank you for your sensible reply

She always wanted a long life but she is probably sick of living by now . Dark humour and a sod it attitude are probably getting her through

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 07/04/2025 13:18

They don't let patients talk on the phone??

I suppose I can imagine reasons for that but it seems pretty crap. Talk to the manager about changing that policy.

Anyway. Visiting a nursing home, especially when you can't go often, is absolutely horrible. Tbh it's not great going often either, though you can feel a bit more in control if youre the main visitor. I would guess that you're always going to feel fairly rubbish after a visit. So try to let go of some of it. She's content. She probably can't take in much verbal information or remember it, so writing her lots of bad news isn't going to work. I haven't even told my mum that her last remaining sister has died. There's always the risk that she will wonder why she's not visiting her, but I felt on balance it would distress her more. If you send things in the post, why not a card or postcard of something nice or funny from her youth? Or just take chocolates.

Do what you can bear to do, and don't feel too much anger to your cousin. It's probably fixed now. If for any reason you don't get to her funeral, ɓest to remember her with your dad.

Anywherebuthere · 07/04/2025 13:17

BeMintFatball · 07/04/2025 13:06

@Maddy70 you have misunderstood. I am upset at my cousin for basically erasing me from history. He organised aunt’s transfer of care home so he would have been the one who gave background information on her.

He transferred her by taxi the week the country went into lockdown. He didn’t tell me. I found out when I rang previous care home to have a chat with her.

So this poor old lady was forced to move home and instantly not allowed visitors because lockdown. She had to get used to a new bedroom and new staff all in one go with nobody to visit her.

The current home no longer allows relatives to talk on the phone. They used to have a patient phone but not anymore. When my mum or I have phoned they tell us to visit instead. So I have lost phone contact with her.

There are holes in her memory. I wrote her a newsletter. She denied getting it. Then she said if she had received it staff would have put it in her dressing table drawer. Sure enough it was there without envelope. I read the letter again whilst on my visit yesterday. There were big topics in that letter. I told her how my mum had had a stroke and after recovering from that had a near fatal bleed. No reaction I wasn’t sure had she remembered the contents as no surprise or couldn’t give a monkeys. Generally couldn’t give a monkeys sums up her whole vibe. Maybe she is beyond caring whether she sees any of us again.

She is 96. You say she holes in her memory so doesnt remember everything. She may well be fed up of her own life.

If you genuinely love her and want to visit then keep going. But don't use your assumption that she isnt bothered to not go.

Own the decision you make, don't put it on your cousin or the aunt.

Coffeeishot · 07/04/2025 13:12

She is 96 she maybe can't take in information as well as she used to, go see her but I think you should stop expecting anything from her in return. I can't comment on your cousin but communication is a two way thing, and it doesn't sound like either of you communicate at all, maybe he doesn't think you care ?

Original poster
BeMintFatball · 07/04/2025 13:11

@Pootles34 there was no mention of me. The duty manager wrote my name and phone number on Aunt’a care plan yesterday when I visited . The duty manager read out the family history to me. I wasn’t on there. He wrote me in as a post script

OP posts:
Pootles34 · 07/04/2025 13:07

I don't think your cousin has omitted you, he said she has a neice and your phone number?

Original poster
BeMintFatball · 07/04/2025 13:06

@Maddy70 you have misunderstood. I am upset at my cousin for basically erasing me from history. He organised aunt’s transfer of care home so he would have been the one who gave background information on her.

He transferred her by taxi the week the country went into lockdown. He didn’t tell me. I found out when I rang previous care home to have a chat with her.

So this poor old lady was forced to move home and instantly not allowed visitors because lockdown. She had to get used to a new bedroom and new staff all in one go with nobody to visit her.

The current home no longer allows relatives to talk on the phone. They used to have a patient phone but not anymore. When my mum or I have phoned they tell us to visit instead. So I have lost phone contact with her.

There are holes in her memory. I wrote her a newsletter. She denied getting it. Then she said if she had received it staff would have put it in her dressing table drawer. Sure enough it was there without envelope. I read the letter again whilst on my visit yesterday. There were big topics in that letter. I told her how my mum had had a stroke and after recovering from that had a near fatal bleed. No reaction I wasn’t sure had she remembered the contents as no surprise or couldn’t give a monkeys. Generally couldn’t give a monkeys sums up her whole vibe. Maybe she is beyond caring whether she sees any of us again.

OP posts:
BodyKeepingScore · 07/04/2025 13:06

BeMintFatball · 07/04/2025 10:35

Answering points made by previous posters. You are right care home do not have a duty to contact me as I’m not next of kin .

I can still feel hurt my cousin has omitted me from the narrative. I feel unseen. I was an important part of my aunt’s life when she lived independently but cousin wouldn’t have been around to see that as he was an adult when I was born.

I need to write to my cousin telling him I want to know if my aunt’s health changes and I want to be told of the funeral plans when the time comes.

Visits, I should work on not feeling so guilty. My aunt is content in her care home and my cousin did make the best choices for her. The fact I would hate to live like that is irrelevant.

Surely your aunt decided who was nominated as next of kin and POA though?

Coffeeishot · 07/04/2025 13:02

BeMintFatball · 07/04/2025 09:32

@RoachFish don’t be ridiculous. I go every few months. If staff cared to look through the visitor book they would see that. I am limited by my own circumstances. Cousin drives. He sees her once a month.

the people who constantly show up are the son of her friend (deceased)He brings her the tv times every Friday . Her old boss also visits every 2 weeks.

You want the staff to remember you by looking up a visitors book.

Coffeeishot · 07/04/2025 13:00

OK your cousin wasn't bothered to include you but it doesn't sound like he likes you that much and you him. The staff no who you are now.

Coffeeishot · 07/04/2025 12:58

She's a bed ridden old woman probably in some cognitive decline and perhaps sick of living and that is giving her a dark sense of humour, just let it wash over you and just visit when you can,