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Elderly parents
Original poster

Dad has had enough .

34 replies

marsala1 · 06/04/2025 13:37

Name changed for this. I will try to make this clear but succinct but am very upset about something my dad said this afternoon. They were staying in my home for a few days. Mum, who has dementia was doing her usual thing of asking where Dad was every few minutes and all her many repetitive actions. He is unbelievably patient with her. She wanted an afternoon nap, but wouldn't lie down without him and I heard Dad talking to himself " I love her, I love her I don't hate her".
They have been married 70 years in 2 days time. Dad has been unwell too. My sibling and I have tried to do everything we can but they are inseperable . She belongs in a care home but he doesn't.
So then he lay down beside her and she was asleep in moments as he stroked her arm. He then said " you just need to die , you are so unwell". Tears in his eyes.
No, there isn't any money in the family or life insurance policy,so nothing like that; he is just so distressed to see her like this that he thinks she would be better off leaving this world. But he lay next to her for 3 hours holding her whilst she slept.
Sorry I just had to get that off my chest as it is a burden I don't think it would be fair to share with anyone but my DH. I know Dad would never hurt her so that''s not an issue : they spent the afternoon looking through photo albums of themselves through the years . So young and beautiful .
Has anyone else had a similar situation?
I don't know what to do.
Thank you for being a place I can offset some of the load.
It really sucks.
I don't know how to help either of them without making them both even more distressed. ( Mum is 90 and Dad is 88). If they were split up - Mum in a home and Dad not - they'd both be dead within the month, literally from heartbreak. And devestated and distraught for that month.
They are both in and out of hospital. And ambulance call-outs ( Mum had a TIA yesterday.) It was just that I was there and recognised the symptoms. She's probably had them before but 3 days a week nobody is watching them. Im lost. Any helpful ideas would be really great.

OP posts:
WindyWendyHouse · 06/04/2025 14:25

Sorry, just seen your update. What did your sister do that?

WindyWendyHouse · 06/04/2025 14:24

This has made me tear up because we are in the same position.

Mum and dad are 82 and mum has had Alzheimer's for the last 7 years. She also has breast cancer, osteoporosis and heart disease.

It is so exhausting for dad and even with a carer in every morning and my sister and I helping all the time, my dad is the primary carer. It's too much to cope with what is basically a toddler in an adults body. Mum needs 24/7 attention.

It has taken a long time for dad to be persuaded to agree to this (and even now he is having wobbles) but tomorrow mum will go into respite for the week in a lovely care home we have found. Is this something your dad may agree to? Even if it's for a few days to give him a taste of things?

I feel for you, dementia is simple dreadful.

rickyrickygrimes · 06/04/2025 14:23

marsala1 · 06/04/2025 14:18

We had them , after months of searching in a couple room at a brand new realy nice home. They were in separate room to begin with but mum would just get up and lie in dads bed so they'd sleep squished together in a single hospital bed, so the home found them a double room, and I was so pleased everything was sorted until I get a phone call from my sister to say she had taken them out and driven them to their house, bought them some food and left them there. I'm starting to think she's got mum;s dementia . Only took 2 weeks for the inevitable phone call from the neighbour to say that he'd had to call the ambulance as mum was very unwell and dad couldn't workk the phone. Feck. So now they are living with my sister and it's a disaster waiting to happen as she isn't there 4 days a week and the hospital thought mum was discharged back to the nursing home. but she never took them.It's a fiasco and extremely distressing.

😱 how did this happen? Why did your sister do this?

rickyrickygrimes · 06/04/2025 14:21

It is heartbreaking to witness, and also part of life and ageing and death. They have had 70 beautiful years together.

Can anything be done to make it easier for them to remain together? You mention no one is there for 3 days: is that a problem? Are there unmet care needs that you are struggling to resolve?

sometimes tackling the practical side of things is all we can do.

Eventually, one will go into hospital and will not be able to come home, and you can maybe start to prepare yourself for that now?

Original poster
marsala1 · 06/04/2025 14:18

Dad has a DNR . Mum doesn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
marsala1 · 06/04/2025 14:18

We had them , after months of searching in a couple room at a brand new realy nice home. They were in separate room to begin with but mum would just get up and lie in dads bed so they'd sleep squished together in a single hospital bed, so the home found them a double room, and I was so pleased everything was sorted until I get a phone call from my sister to say she had taken them out and driven them to their house, bought them some food and left them there. I'm starting to think she's got mum;s dementia . Only took 2 weeks for the inevitable phone call from the neighbour to say that he'd had to call the ambulance as mum was very unwell and dad couldn't workk the phone. Feck. So now they are living with my sister and it's a disaster waiting to happen as she isn't there 4 days a week and the hospital thought mum was discharged back to the nursing home. but she never took them.It's a fiasco and extremely distressing.

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 06/04/2025 13:55

I agree with investigating alternative care options. It might not be right but it might be?
What are the longer term plans for her if she becomes more unwell? Does she have DNR for example? We hit a point with my grandmother where we basically said ‘no hospital’. Hospital would have been awful. She passed away fairly peacefully in her care home instead.

shellyleppard · 06/04/2025 13:53

Your poor dad must be heartbroken watching your mum being ill. Its a horrible situation for you all. Is he getting any carers/help in?? As pp has said could a nursing home that takes couples be an option?? Sending the biggest of hugs to you all 🫂💐

EmotionalBlackmail · 06/04/2025 13:50

Have you looked at any homes? There are some that will accept couples. It is harder when they have different levels of need (nursing care vs residential care) but they do exist and maybe your dad would find it easier if care home staff were dealing with all of the household stuff so he could just focus on being with her. If he’s 88 and having repeated hospital admissions, he sounds frail even if not needing nursing care. Is he managing to do shopping, cooking or cleaning or are carers coming in?