Caring for once abusive parents

Not sure if it's funny but I am seeing ads for coffins on this thread.

Such a difficult question because noone cares for anyone like family do.

I understand that going against the grain of a strong cultural obligation is difficult. But do you think it's wrong that people should feel obliged to serve their abusers? If you do, the culture has to change, and that means people need to be brave enough to stand up and change it.
Do you want your children's generation to be slaves to this cultural obligation too? If not, your generation will have to stop it. You can do this.
Personally I wouldn't be shy about explaining why to anyone who asked (or hinted) why I wasn't helping.

Why on earth would you even consider supporting people who have been abusive to you?

Please, do not feel compelled to help these people.

I absolutely wouldn’t involve myself. The appropriate authorities will make sure they are taken care of. Not your circus.

Don’t do it - you really do not have to expose yourself to abuse just because they are your parents.

Give them links to their local social services team so they can figure out a care plan themselves which does not involve you.

I won't be helping my abusive mum. I helped when my dad was in hospital. She's physically fit but likes people doing things for her. It brought it all back what she's like behind closed doors and wrecked my mental health. I wont be helping in future. I have the advantage that I don't give a flip what her flying monkeys think about it. Just as they probably wouldn't care if they knew what I suffered from her as a child.
Life's too short. Losing my dh in his 40s hammered that home. She'll probably outlive me as I take after my grandmother who died at 60.

Name changed for this one.

I’m in the same boat, and hesitantly agreed for DM to move in after receiving a 6 month, terminal diagnosis (and being so broke/stubborn she wouldn’t have paid for, or accepted, enough care)

Its now been 5 years, she’s as abusive as she ever was, she keeps getting worse so I’m hanging on ‘til the end’ but mentally I’m absolutely screwed and wished I’d never gotten involved. I cry at least once a day, everything is a trigger, it’s had an impact on my career and relationships. If I could go back, I absolutely would help support putting external help in place, and left her to it. Maybe I’m projecting but I feel a lot of what I saw as her ‘not being able to cope’ and needing help to sort things out, was actually just her way of getting me involved in her life again.

They were not just abusive in the past, they are STILL abusers . People don’t suddenly have personality transplants in old age ( unless it’s dementia as FeelingStrange2 says, or severe mental illness ).

Physical frailty might stop physical abuse but it won’t stop other types . If anything , they will ramp up as their need to control others gets greater.

Do not put yourself in the firing line. Inform social services and step back.

Your parents are reaping what they have sown.

You have no obligation to them. Put yourself first.

The minute I read your thread title I had one word: don’t.

Drop the rope. Step away. Not your problem to solve.

I think you have to revert to professional care. Either drop.in sessions, live in or a care home.

I care for my Dad who was a lovely, patient, and kind man. But dementia has changed him and it is extremely challenging. I'm still OK but I know if had a very different personality and my upbringing more difficult that I'd probably be unable to.

I also think very strong characters (which Dad wasnt) seem to be more difficult as they get older.

I would say that external help will be needed to not break you.

I'm sorry to hear that, it sounds very difficult.

What kind of help do they need? Have they had a needs assessment?

Send them links to outside agencies.. Speak to the local council... No way will I be helping dps I haven't seen for 25 years plus.....
Put yourself first op.. You owe them nothing.