Caring for once abusive parents

I wouldn’t be caring for them.

I started being more honest with others about my parents not being nice. Stopped the perfect, we're normal pretence.
There's lots of slightly off the hook phrases
I guess you only get one set of parents
I'm not the daughter they wanted but I have done my best.
I started gradually, but it really helped.

I know this thread is a few weeks old now, but just wanted to come on and say:

(a) @Angels1111 you are not alone and the cultural pressure/expectations on women specifically (Indian or otherwise) is immense. I have been going through the same over the past 9 months and it has been brutal. Not just from the parent in question, but the wider family network. Do what you need to, to protect yourself. What you describe as self harm is not normal behaviour in any culture, nor is it acceptable. Your parents issues are not your issues. Get as much formal support in as you can. And speak to the Social care team early. My relatives social work team and nursing support have been brilliant. It didn't/ hasn't stopped the wider family issues though.

(b) @hindsightcarer am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I can't imagine the level of distress this leaves you in. Please look after yourself and if you need to move your parent into another care setting then do this.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I identify completely. Please look after yourself

I am in the same position and it's awful, exhausting, guilt inducing, triggering and full of if onlys and " but they're my parents, this isn't how it should bes"

I am doing what I need to do and also falling apart in the process. I don't have an answer I'm afraid but I do want to say that I completely understand.

It's very easy and well meaning for people who haven't had abusive parents to say don't get involved etc but, at least for me, it's not that simple. I'm programmed to say yes and put them before me. I'm working on not doing that but it is so so difficult when I've been wired by them to jump when they say jump.

Please take care of yourself and if you can reduce contact then please do it.

I hear you...
As said above, lots of practical things you can sort out at arm's length without contact or much stress involved once set up - either online, or engaging local service providers. Just make sure that parents don't use reimbursing you (or not) as leverage.

For times when you have to be in contact, grey rock techniqe (or yellow rock may suit your situation better) can be very helpful.

It would be a big fat nope from me if my step dad died and my dm needed care. Although he’s a lot older than her and a few years ago he nearly died and it sent me into a panic to think she would want me at her beck and call 24/7. She was abusive to me all my life and last year I finally decided enough was enough and I walked away from all that side of my family who became her flying monkeys. She’s only 17 years older than me so probably will be around for a long time but im not doing it. It makes me feel sick just to think about it. She’s never learned to drive and is still working part time but my step dad is her lackey and she has other family members roped in now when she puts on the hard luck stories.

I was fortunate that when my abusive mum needed care, it was a sudden and severe incident (a massive disabling stroke) that meant that there's no way that we could provide care. She was furious that neither of us siblings would take her in, but it was literally impossible given the scale of her disability, and all the professionals involved told her that it wasn't an option.

So she had to stay in a care facility, and our involvement was minor (brief weekly visits and bits of shopping).

I wouldn't wish her kind of stroke on anyone, but I have to say that it saved us a world of pain.

So my advice is to step right back. Get all the care services involved that you can, and be honest with Adult Social Care. I actually broke down talking to the social worker. I felt that I had to explain why my brother and I weren't going to be facilitating her care, and everything just spilled out. Stuff I'd never told anyone. The social worker was wonderful

OP, I don’t have experience of abusive parents, but have recently been a carer for my dad who died. It made me think how hard that was to do when you have a good relationship- my dad was difficult, and offensive due to dementia, but I had a good previous relationship with him to draw on. I used to think that I couldn’t imagine having to do this if you had been badly treated by your parents - I’ve got friends in this position, I’m sure many people have. I strongly agree with the advice on this thread. I don’t feel anyone should be bullied/ obliged into caring.

No problem. Age UK have a good helpline should you need further help. Your local Age UK might have good resources.

I cleaned my father's disgusting house and ordered him a weekly shop which would rot on the side. Sorted carers who could do nothing as he refused. Finally got him into a home when he fell - he resisted, to the degree that the public guardian became involved. My hands and knees started shaking when I would go to visit. So I stopped. I still feel guilty at time, but overall know I did the right thing.

Lots of good advice here.

Another tactic would be to take their threats of self-harm absolutely seriously and say that you will need to contact their GP/social services /the police as they are threatening to hurt themselves or worse.

Don't use it as a threat. Mean it and be prepared to follow through.

You might find they stop at that point.

Just make the right noises but keep them at arms length & dont actually do anything or inconvenience yourself.

Not your problem , and I hope you don't let anyone guilt you into feeling like you should help. As pps have said, you should outsource it all at your parents expense. They should have thought of this while abusing their children.

Your parents lost all right to expect care from you when they treated you abusively, both as a chid and as an adult. Culture does not absolve them of that. Your friends tune it out, you say? Why shpuld they though? And why should you?

Don't do it. If they ask why, tell them.

How do you protect yourself?

Boundaries boundaries boundaries. Whether that’s a low contact or no contact.

eg 1 they threaten self harm or blackmail or whatever. You end the conversation immediately, leave the room/their house etc

eg 2 you feel drained and miserable and triggered talking to them - shorten the conversation, do them less often eg once a week instead of every day, or once a month instead of every week.

The main thing is for you to take control. Not them. If they don’t like your boundaries - well that’s too bad. What are they going to do? Complain? So what. Get angry or insulting - end the conversation immediately. Give you the silent treatment - that’s fine as it will suit you. Btw, any abuse from them, including blackmail and threats is a perfectly good reason to go no contact.

Every parent – adult daughter relationship is different. So it’s hard for others to say definitively on a board like this. Only you can decide how to work this through for yourself, If you need a therapist to help you, it might make things easier. Be strong. Look after you.

Cultural obligation is just psychological pressure in another guise. Do not compare your situation to anyone else's. Every situation is unique, although may have common elements.

You are under no obligation to do this. Do not sacrifice yourself. There are professionals who can do this, let them.

Are you in the UK? If so then a lot can be organised without you needing to be there.

Weekly grocery delivery
Medication delivered
Cleaners/gardener
Carers
Laundry can be sent out
Taxi