Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

DM nearing end of life.. this time last week all was normal

57 replies

Channellingsophistication · 21/03/2025 22:54

My lovely normally fit and well Mum took unwell Tuesday morning early hours with what was disgnosed as a bowel blockage. At 85, she would likely not survive the operation to potentially fix it. We have literally gone from discussing her shopping list on Monday to end of life care discussions on Wednesday.

It’s very difficult to absorb. Terrified of what comes next, my DF I’m not sure has fully taken it all in. I never thought he would be the one left.

I don’t know how to face this. Such a shock.
Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. Thank you

  • [Message from MNHQ: please read OP's updates before responding]
OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
ViciousCurrentBun · 23/03/2025 20:22

I’m so sorry, sending love, my Dad refused treatment at 84 he said he just didn’t want the pain and to be messed around. The hospice nurse said she wished more would choose a peaceful end when they have had a long life and that he was brave. Your Mum sounds like a wonderful woman.

OVienna · 23/03/2025 20:22

Thinking of you.

reversegear · 23/03/2025 20:22

Sending hugs, such a brave lady.

Happyher · 23/03/2025 20:17

My mum died very suddenly at 77. She was in good health but caught an infection and then sepsis. She went out for her first Indian meal one night and next night she was dying in A&E. I never got chance to say goodbye and tell her how much I loved her so my advice would be to talk to your mum and let her know how loved she is and all the other things you need to say. Spend as much time as you can with her, hold her hand and make the most of the little time you have

thesandwich · 23/03/2025 20:12

So sorry for your loss🌺

SockFluffInTheBath · 23/03/2025 20:06

So sorry for your loss @Channellingsophistication

Theywerebrilliant · 23/03/2025 18:30

Sending much love ❤️ xxx

Cupofteaneeded · 23/03/2025 18:25

My condolences to you and your family, look after yourself x

NeedABabelFish · 23/03/2025 18:22

I'm so sorry @Channellingsophistication. Try to take some time to process things Flowers

ExtraDecluttering · 23/03/2025 17:56

I’m so sorry, the same happened to my MIL, I can’t remember if surgery was discussed or intended but she deteriorated so rapidly and suffered cardiac arrest, we are just grateful that it was quick at the end for her sake, but a massive shock for everyone else Flowers

PrimalScreaming · 23/03/2025 17:48

I'm so sorry... be kind to yourself and take things slowly. I felt overwhelmingly tired after my mum passed away.... it's such an emotional and physical toll on your body xx

Deanefan · 23/03/2025 17:48

Condolences Channellingsophistication hope that you and your dad got to sit and chat and just be with her. Sounds like it was peaceful for her which is a blessing.

MichaelandKirk · 23/03/2025 17:40

Your Mum made the right decision for her and it sounds like a good death.
Been through this with both parents. Late Mum had a bowel obstruction in her early 80’s. They did operate and she recovered as well as can be expected but then broke her hip and was never the same again.

Her last two years weren’t great (she passed at 91). She just wanted to die. Told me this lots of times, wanted to feel how she did 30 years ago. Begged the Doctors to make her well.

She is now at peace and you can celebrate her life and what a brave decision she made. I remember a consultant telling me that the the one thing he dreaded hearing from family when a very old person was ill is ‘throw everything at her’.

I will say a little poem/prayer for your dear Mum. I wish you strength and courage over the next few weeks.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 23/03/2025 17:40

Channellingsophistication · 23/03/2025 17:05

Thank you all so much for posting, it has meant a lot. It’s been a week of kindness from strangers.

My lovely mum passed away this morning peacefully whilst I was there as I stayed in the hospice. So relieved she had a peaceful end. Just feel for my dear DF but he’s holding up so far.

Best wishes to all💐

I'm really sorry to hear that OP xxx

DaphneduM · 23/03/2025 17:39

Thinking of you and your dear Dad. My lovely mum chose exactly the same, having seen her sister go through a huge operation with a painful, terminal outcome in the end. You never expect it, do you? My mum was so much younger than my dad, but he was very brave and bore up well really - I promised my mum I'd look after him and that was exactly what I did, with my husband's help. He eventually passed away just before his 90'th birthday, two years after my mum. It will take some time to get over your loss - be kind to yourself OP, and be proud of your mum too being such a brave and pragmatic woman.

JeanGenieJean · 23/03/2025 17:26

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn

Songlines · 23/03/2025 17:18

Sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself x

Original poster
Channellingsophistication · 23/03/2025 17:05

Thank you all so much for posting, it has meant a lot. It’s been a week of kindness from strangers.

My lovely mum passed away this morning peacefully whilst I was there as I stayed in the hospice. So relieved she had a peaceful end. Just feel for my dear DF but he’s holding up so far.

Best wishes to all💐

OP posts:
SockFluffInTheBath · 22/03/2025 19:26

What a shock OP, I’m sorry. I hope your mums last days are peaceful and calm. Look after yourself .

NeedABabelFish · 22/03/2025 17:18

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, I know how difficult it must be.

My dear 89 year old ex MIL also refused surgery a couple of years ago. She was fully aware of what the outcome would be, but also of the fact that if she were to survive surgery her quality of life may be severely impacted. It was the right decision for her though very difficult for us to come to terms with.

If it's any consolation she was very comfortable and pain free and died very peacefully.

thesandwich · 22/03/2025 12:47

Your dm is in the best possible place, where care and managing pain are top priorities.
hospices are about care for families too. Ask anything- they will do everything they can to help. 🌺

neilyoungismyhero · 22/03/2025 12:40

Channellingsophistication · 21/03/2025 23:09

Thank you, Mum doesn’t want Surgery and was very clear on that. We had lots of discussions in the hospital about it. She was adamant not to go through it. She is now in a hospice and seems comfortable. I just don’t know how long she will have and i’m worried about her feeling pain and being scared.

So very sorry you're all going through this. It's your Mum's wish that her time is over and you should take comfort that she knows she is ready - hard I know.
We recently lost a fairly young (56) relative to cancer. Her condition went from up and talking to being given 3 days to live. She was given pain relief when it was needed and was peaceful throughout the last 3 days and then passed. Be assured your Mum will be cared for. X

MrsPositivity1 · 22/03/2025 12:32

Sending your mum prayers that she slips away gently. Such a tough time for you all.

On a more practical note transfer any money in account to in her own name to your dad etc… and ensure her will is up to date xx

ClioMuse · 22/03/2025 12:29

Thinking of you and your Mum OP. It must be hard to get your head around 💐Glad your Mum is getting good care.

ClioMuse · 22/03/2025 12:28

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/03/2025 23:17

She has made her decision. Please don’t pay any attention to the posters who seem desperate for DM to put herself through trouble and stress and pain for the tenuous chance of extending life by what? a few years? Months? Days.

You know , she has made her decision, and told you her wishes; now is the time to celebrate her life with her, and to speed a good passing. Fear nothing, those who can face their end fear nothing - and they have nothing to fear.

To be fair I don't think that's what the other posters were saying