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Elderly parents
Original poster

Father gravely ill - mother reluctant to continue treatment

33 replies

Kettlebanana · 21/03/2025 14:11

We are currently in a hell on earth situation as my father is gravely ill in intensive care and on life support. It’s more likely than not he won’t make it through and questions about how far we go with treatment are starting to come up. I think we as a family all agree quality of life is important but it’s becoming clear that my mother isn’t willing to see that if he does survive, whilst he may have difficulties/not be as independent, his happiness in life will need some support from us all. My father does everything for her and she can’t conceive that, in the remote chance that he does make it, they could still have a decent life but it would need her to step up i.e take on driving/taking him out etc. There’s no health issues that would prevent her from
doing this and they are not quite ‘elderly’ and I’m quite appalled that she doesn’t see that he won’t necessarily be miserable if we all make an effort together. Obviously none of us would want to see him in a situation of needing round the clock care but she’s literally talking about a situation where he might need a wheel chair meaning we shouldn’t push on. It’s becoming clear they’ve also never actually discussed this and so we don’t know what he would want. I just cant believe this is all really happening and completely lost. We’ve been in hospital for 4 days straight and I’m conscious none of us are thinking very clearly right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kettlebanana · 21/03/2025 14:37

It is fully, fully shit. I’ve always been dreading this as my mum will expect us to pick up where my dad left off and pander to her and yet she cannot see a life where she might have to look after him, even just a bit. It’s already starting whilst we sit and wait for updates and she has already said she is going to be hard work as if it’s funny. I think that’s what’s jarring to me at the moment.

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 21/03/2025 14:36

Although they may not have discussed this in detail, assuming your DM and DF are in a loving relationship, it is very likely that your DM knows his wishes best.

While they may not have had an explicit conversation, over the years most people will have talked about friends/relatives or even TV dramas with similar issues and given hints of what they would want. If your DF always looked after your DM, he might well find a situation where he was being looked after instead intensely distressing.

And sadly if doctors are starting discussions on limits of treatment, they likely mean they do not expect additional treatments to work.

Am so sorry, this sounds so deeply traumatic and unexpected for all of you.

saraclara · 21/03/2025 14:34

Expecting your mum to be thinking logically at this point, is unrealistic. You're expecting too much.

MyrtleLion · 21/03/2025 14:29

I am so sorry that you're going through this. From your post it seems as though your DF may not live much longer and that's really hard to face.

And it's possible you're clinging on to the possibility that he could survive and would need support. And that would come from you all but also your DM would have to be a carer whereas right now your DF is a big support for her.

This is understandable because you want to more than anything to have your DF alive and well. But you've said he's on life support in intensive care which means his chances are very remote.

Your DM may be further along the understanding that he will die very soon and may be facing this pragmatically and practically. This is understandable because he's her husband not her dad and women often have more intense relationships with their dads than their husbands. And if he does pull through then she'll have to be his main carer all the time, during the night, at the difficult times when you can't be there.

I wonder if you are having a bit of wishful thinking that if you all try very hard he won't die and it will be fine and you won't have to face your dad's death just yet.

This is a part of grief. It's the bargaining stage - he'll live if we all rally round and help. It's normal. And it's sad.

Talk to the doctors and see what they say. Most doctors want pain relief and a good death rather than special measures. The best outcome for your dad may be to let him go. And that's really hard.

olderbutwiser · 21/03/2025 14:24

In my experience, when the medical team start asking about how far you go with treatment they are already thinking that it might not be in his best interests for treatment to continue much further. Ie that further treatment may not save him, or may leave him alive but with a much reduced quality of life.

And the only consideration is his best interests - what would his quality of life be like, what would he want if he could express his opinion. Is "he won't necessarily be miserable if everyone makes a big effort to be his carer" what he would want? Dependence and poor health are what I dread most for my old age.

I know this is brutally hard to navigate as everything is so uncertain ❤️

PlanetOtter · 21/03/2025 14:24

Honestly, I’d leave it for now.

It sounds like this isn’t something you need to do immediate planning for, so it’s not a fight you need to have. And no one (understandably) is their best self right now.

Concentrate on what will help your dad now, and cross these bridges if and when you come to them.

MattCauthon · 21/03/2025 14:22

This sounds tough but I'm not entirely sure what you're asking? If you're asking whether you should be signing off on "heroic" efforts to save his life, I think that only the family can make this call. But it's not like care will be withdrawn except in the most extreme of circumstances.

So if he makes it through the next few days, as a family you can work out what to do next. It can be a very overwhelming and difficult, and the uncertainty is a nightmare for you and your mum and the rest of the family so give yourself a break and just take it a day at a time for now.

Hoppinggreen · 21/03/2025 14:16

I am sorry, that sounds really tough.
Your Mum is focussing on what her life could look like and she does not seem to want that future for herself. It's great that you all say you would help and I am sure you would but it would be her dealing with the day to day reality of things
I think you should just be led by his medical team but I do think that sometimes we (understandably) try to hold onto people we love when it could be better to let them go.