Parkinsons and LBD - through the night care

Does he not have a falls alarm? Our local one has different levels, the best one will send people to lift someone off the floor, not just call a relative to let them know. Does he wear pads at night because he would need to? Who would get him ready for bed, including putting pads on? LBD could mean disturbed sleep, acting out during sleep, shouting etc. personally I don’t think you should do it, especially as he has gone to respite before.

To add my dad went from being wobbly mobile to a wheelchair and hoist lifting in 3 months. It happened so fast so don’t commit to anything so far away

You poor love I have been in this exact position. My father has Parkinson’s and lbd. It’s so scary as you love them so much and just want the best care for them.
i had to do the exact same when my mum was admitted to hospital. I was used to caring for dad in the day but the second I popped to the toilet he got up and fell into a wall that was being renovated and put his head through plasterboard. I felt so so guilty as if it was my fault.
There is a reason carers work in pairs. So it’s safer to lift. There is a high chance your dad will fall with the Parkinson’s I honestly feel respite would be the kindest option for all of you. October is a long way away and he could decline a lot in that time. Sending you hugs it’s not easy x

The first thought of those of us with a pair of elderly parents was ‘why no carers? SM is probably telling everyone they’re fine and don’t need help.’

If you do go it might be a good time to get adult social services round OP. That’s not me saying I think you should go btw, if respite could be found that would be better.

A carer advised me to buy a baby alarm and to set it up in my mum's room so that I could go to my own room but still be aware of what was happening in mum's room.

Mind you, I'd sometimes be woken up at 3 in the morning by "Daaaarling! Where aaaaare you?"

In my mum's case, it was mixed dementia plus severe osteoporosis. DH had hemiparesis following stroke.

We did have a community alarm with a link to the local fall time, but they couldn't always come out and wouldn't lift if there was an injury (understandably). When that happened, it had to be an ambulance.

An ambulance didn't always mean admission to hospital.

That seems to be the best option.

If you have to do it, make it clear that you will call an ambulance if he falls and can't get up.

It might be that respite care is not available.

I organised (so I thought) respite care for my mother when I was having a planned operation on my shoulder. We had carers coming in through the day for mum, and I was also my husband's carer - he didn't have carers. (He was compos mentis, however.)

At the last minute, social work told me that there was no availability - someone else needed emergency respite.

I just had to suck it up and hope that I'd manage. (I have no siblings and no children of my own. DH had an adult son and daughter, but there was never any respite help for their father available from them.)

It's there a reason that he can't go into respite this time? Is it availability? Money?

I'm surprised it wasn't a given at the start. Would your DH really ever have stayed home and left you to deal with your dad alone?

Your mum needs a break badly, I imagine. It's the least you can both do.

ETA that your mum will need to accept that things might be different in six months time, though. Say you'll do it if he's in a similar condition to the one he's in now. But she needs to consider a back up plan in case his condition changes.

I wouldn’t. October is a long time away. Easy to get drawn into caring and doing more than you should. I think respite care is more appropriate.
And your DF probably needs an assessment of current care as it sounds like your SM is only just managing.

Please don't say yes. If he's been in respite before, he should go again. If SM is getting to the end of her tether, the family should be exploring permanent care. It's an awful thing to go through and SM is probably acting heroically against all the odds, but when our parents insist they can manage when they can't, it's very normal for us to have to pick up the pieces.

None of it is easy - finding care isn't easy, funding it isn't easy, getting the person and their carer to accept it isn't easy. But as the adult children, we have to decide what we have capacity to do without taking over our whole lives and set our own clear boundaries or our lives will be utter misery. I have had some horrendously difficult conversations with my parents and in laws but it has enabled me to actually give a lot of support because I was able to tackle the worst of the denial and resistance. Use this forum - and particularly the Cockroach Cafe - to help you work out what is reasonable for you to offer and then stick to it..

Maybe possible if your dh is there too. It will probably be chaos, especially if he isn't continent. I wouldn't expect much sleep.

@BlueRaspberry7 totally understand, l thought that might be your strategy. I couldn't help biting back as l thought they were judgemental, obnoxious and generally out of order

Good luck with it, thinking of you all

No one should be guilt tripped into caring for a seriously ill parent.

If he's previously gone into respite care when she's away for a few days, why is that not happening this time? Is step mum worried that it will show up his decline? Does she want to get across to you just how difficult the regular care is now?

I would be concerned at the risk of you not being able to get him up again if he fell.

I doubt OP "makes" her step mother, just because step mother does it then it doesn't mean OP has to. Plus l would imagine SM doesn't have to get up for work / small children and OP might

Sorry I would suggest respite care (and offer to help find it) and would hope that it would just continue. I agree that it's pretty extreme that she is doing this bit I don't think you should have to.