Needy mum

Oh I'm feeling for you here OP. There has to be something positive for both sides in any healthy relationship. Just come back from yet another thankless visit to my own elderly mum and I'm so concerned that this could continue for many years to come. Start by having a couple of weeks off. Keep it vague, exhaustion etc. Then set your ground rules. Brief breezy visits with afternoons out once a month max. Prioritise your own peace OP. Don't allow a selfish, needy parent to take over your life.

my post was not through guilt but experience. I stopped contact for 3 years with my mum due to a misunderstanding, I did not know my mum would die within 3 years once I did speak to her. It was said not through my guilt or harshness but through experience

You may live and conduct your relationships with others through “guilt” as a motive, but don’t impose and project your negative attitudes and feelings onto others. It’s snarky and disrespectful.

This could go years.. so yes good boundaries needed.

Hate this crap too ah she wont be there forever😑. We on week 3 of me being blanked because she didnt get her own way. 80s. Op they have too much time to be plotting. Im tired it. Took a step back. For now anyway

I hate guilt tripping 'oh you'll be sorry when they've gone' posts like yours. Posters come out with this sentimental claptrap even on threads where the OP is describing a completely disfunctional and often abusive relationship with a parent. OP says she is exhausted and she shouldn't feel obliged to be at her mum's beck and call when she gets no enjoyment out of these visits.

What nonsense. The wants of someone at the end of their life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs. Do what you want, and if that involves seeing her less then so be it.
My mum was killed suddenly and prematurely in an accident and never once have I wished I’d spent more time with her. And we got on fine but saw each other rarely. Ridiculous way to think.

She's not helping herself by behaving the way she is and the first reply was unhelpful too. You sound as though you're trying you're best and quite within your rights to scale it back if you need to. My mil is like your dm, it doesn't matter how much time I spend it's 'never enough' so it has actually made me scale back as she'll never be happy. She too is a perpetual whinger and bitcher about everyone she knows and hates that I won't join in with her. Just do what you can and scale back as much as you need to.

No, I wish I'd spent less time with my folks. Dad's gone and mum might outlive me.

how old is she? Does she actually need anything or is she just moaning and wanting company?

My mother is 86. Unbelievably, after a couple of strokes, a number of falls etc she's reaching the point where she is physically better - so bored she's starting to... not bitch about people, she wouldn't do that...but she has nothing to talk about except other people. And she focuses on really stupid things.

So having had a nervous breakdown trying to care for her, she now wants my time and company just to sit there and talk about nothing!

I'm managing because I finally put down boundaries. But you really need to get these down as soon as possible.

I am trying very hard just to pop in and make sure that she's okay, but she gets upset when I leave after three painful hours and says "are you leaving already?"

I'm pretending to have plans that I don't have, to justify the shorter visits. She has domestic help now so really I'd rather see her less often. Feels like a terrible waste of time.

I'd like to cut back to once a week but I tried it and she seems even more moany and miserable if I do that.

really think about the risk of this going on for years. It's not a good way to live. Set boundaries and be ready to constantly re-state them.

My SIL mother did this to her. It's horrible and reeks of self absorption. I can't get around the fact that she thinks it is OK to force people into spending time with her. Does she have no idea that her constant moaning and bitching make people not want to be there ? You would think they would be nice and pleasant and gracious. If you try to guilt trip people what do you achieve - a reluctant and unhappy visitor .

It's hard having a needy relative, it can make you feel very drained. She shouldn't be guilty tripping you or pressuring you to do things you don't want to do, it's manipulative.

On the other hand, lots of people have a moan or a "gossip" inside intimate relationships. It doesn't necessarily make them a bad person. We're kind of obsessed with that nowadays. That anyone who expresses anything outside of "accepted" ways of thinking or talking is "wrong" and should be "put right" . I couldn't get too hung up about my own mother having a little bitch fest about her friends. I might roll my eyes internally, but it wouldn't make me feel I needed to exit and avoid her.

You're an adult and a busy one presumably. I think once per week Is more than acceptable. I'd just ignore her little digs and carry on doing what you're happy with. If she makes a more outright comment, then you can put her straight!

I really hate it when replies just seek to make the OP feel worse, when there is no reason to do that. It sounds like the OP won't ever wish she'd spent more time with her DM, because her DM is actually not very pleasant company!!

PS. To my mind it is her sulky reactions and demands that are creating “guilt”. I’m not clear why you should feel guilty otherwise. I have also wondered in the past if in some casesguilt is actually another word for fear, fear of offending someone. As you haven’t done anything wrong, I don’t see why you should feel guilty.

Needy mum? Actuallly sounds like a domineering mother, imposing her demands on you without any thought for your wishes.

Your last sentence says “you want to see less of her”.

How can you make that happen?

It’s by saying no and enforcing boundaries, whatever her objections might be and however unpleasantly she raises them.

It is that simple. But you have to have clarity and determination to do this.

She may have a lot to do, but your visits and times are different. You are her daughter, and one day, you will wish you had spent more time with her.
she may seem moany but being her daughter she can be herself