Needy mum

Ha ha
very funny.
so basically turned the tables and made it all about you.
Brilliant

Yes you want to limit your time if they moany! Well I do anyway.. its draining

sixtyandfabulousofcourse · 18/03/2025 13:07

She may have a lot to do, but your visits and times are different. You are her daughter, and one day, you will wish you had spent more time with her.
she may seem moany but being her daughter she can be herself

Oh stop it. She sounds like a complete pita. I wouldn’t want to spend time with her, either. People aren’t any more obligated to spend time with irritating, needy relatives than they are anyone else.

I tried a couple of things with my mother.

I tried being really bland with nothing happening in my life and no views on anything - so really really boring. I

That didn’t work, so I tried the opposite - non stop complaining about EVERYTHING. Made out my life to be just one miserable moan fest so I could dominate every conversation. Made myself really boring in the opposite way - she wasn’t so keen after that.

Agree. My aunt is lovely late 80s. She said negative people are draining. They are. My mother is picky and negative.

Totally agree.
in real life if I was to act like that , people would actively avoid me.

Yes its hard. 80s. I manage once a week. Everyone works now. She hasnt much on in her week so it adds pressure..

It's a completely different situation trying to space visits out from twice a week, compared with completely cutting contact!

I had a more distanced relationship with my dad for the last 12 years or so of his life. I spoke to him weekly and saw him evety few months. I wish the reasons for that hadn't existed, I wish that both of us had been different people, but I've never wished that I'd seen him more often.

Why does she get to decide OP? She wants to see you twice a week but that doesn't mean you have to do it, or feel bad if you don't do it. You need better boundaries!

Sounds like my DM who I see/help once a week along with another extremely old relative but more and more keeps being asked of me. Once a week isn't enough either she says (I have no kids but my own home/pets/life and work full time. Now it's various little jobs creeping in plus buying shit she wants (not needs) all this tat did I mention she's a hoarder. 2 friends who she usually avoids seeing, no hobbies outside the home. Talks at me, can't keep voice at a calm level everything is a drama, visits drag out so don't get home until 7pm and too tired and drained to do anything else apart from eat dinner and fall asleep on the sofa by 9pm.

@Pamspeople Thank you for replying. You’re absolutely right. I mustn’t worry about how my M is impacting my sister. I mean, she is impacting her a lot. But that is my sister’s relationship with her own mother and she must find her way as I have found mine. She does have a voice and she may have to use it rather than reluctantly going along with things. We have been so trained from being tiny to “be kind” to our mother. Things I said and did as a small child are still wheeled out multiple times a year to demonstrate how unkind I was to her. Yep you’re a victim of a foetus, a baby and a preschooler, yes you are mother. It’s so ridiculous when you write it in those terms. The emotional care taking she expects is to atone for these misdemeanours no doubt. And to demonstrate what a close family we are and she has no favourite child (uh huh) and we’re sooo straightforward, unlike those of her friends and extended family. Yeah right, definitely no skeletons in any closets at all. It’s exhausting. It’s the smugness that I couldn’t stand.

ps. I am also a believer in therapy, if necessary, to help give us any support we need 🫂 🥰

That Bethany Webster link/website is pretty good, thank you.

Here are a few quotes that struck me:-

📖

There is a misconception about self-sacrifice based on the residues of older generational beliefs that says:

• Martyrdom is admirable.
• Women are naturally happy to serve and care-take others.
• Women are not supposed to be vocal, willful, or assertive.
• Women who refuse compliments and are prone to self-deprecation are commendable and praiseworthy.

Each mother/daughter relationship is different. Each adult daughter in this situation must reflect and come to clarity on what she is and is not willing to do and accept in relation to her mother and to respectfully communicate that to her. It is an individual choice and it can take time to come to clarity. Ultimately, the daughter has to be loyal and true to herself first and foremost. Ironically, this is what every mother in her healthy state would want for her daughter: to be good to herself and do what is best for her.

One thing I have learned with certainty is not to stand in connection with those who diminish me. This is particularly difficult when family is involved, because we have a vested interest in perpetuating the family system for all kinds of different reasons.

But if you stay consistent with your boundaries over time, it’s possible that your mother may reluctantly learn to adapt to them. The most important thing is not how your mother reacts but the fact that you are taking this action for yourself, and for the sake of your greater health and well-being. When you communicate honestly, respectfully and with integrity, you can feel good about yourself no matter how your mother responds. You begin to embody your best self around your mother and this is very powerful.

….

Congratulate yourself on your courage and affirm that you are willing to do whatever it takes to honor yourself in all your relationships

Some are just needy like mine. My friend mam late 70s keeps her days busy lunch swims etc whereas mine needs hand held. It is hard going though if they needy

Often the words “first post nails it” are very accurate. Sadly not in this case. In this case “first post shows a lack of emotional intelligence”.

I'm glad if it was helpful, I love the way she writes about the relationship many of us adult women have with our mothers. It's hard work but it gets easier with time to create some healthy emotional distance and cherish our own lives and needs. Your sister must learn her own way in her own time. Make sure you don't transfer your sense of responsibility from your mum's feelings to your sister's!

@Pamspeople Thank you so much for posting that link to the Bethany Webster website. It’s covers just the things I’m wrestling with at the moment. Namely guilt at being much happier and healthier since I went low contact with my difficult mother. It has made my M much less happy though. She has transferred her expectations on to my sister who could do without it so I am feeling guilty about that too! My M and S would be much much happier with the status quo which I just can’t go back to. I am, now I’m more at a distance from it, wondering if it was that bad and I was overreacting but my change in health speaks for itself. It is so difficult. I have put up with it all for decades though. Do I get to put myself first ever?

Stop trying to meet her expectations! Just stop, OP. You will have to build your capacity to tolerate her sulks, guilt trips or whatever she does to keep you in line. Your time and your preferences for how you spend it are important!

You're not responsible for meeting all your mother's emotional needs

www.bethanywebster.com/blog/mothers-pain/

You want to see less of her op. So see less of her! Be less available, see her less, take calls less. You’ll be happier. Just ask yourself So what. So what if she moans to others. This could go on for years op, and likely will and will get worse if you don’t put in boundaries now. So do so.

Yep. Mine was a champion moaner, liked to have a “chat” but that meant her monologuing at me, and it was always dreadful negative stuff, spiteful things about other people that they didn’t deserve and endless self pity. Everything had a negative spin put on it. It wears you down. I went very low contact with her in the end, and now she’s gone I absolutely don’t wish I’d spent more time subjecting myself to that misery.

That’s your experience of regret or guilt or whatever it was about what you did. Don’t project it onto the OP, whom you showed zero empathy or understanding towards.

Mine does this, but to everyone. I think she thinks it's making conversation? So she circulates, bitching to person B and person A, then onto talking to person C about person B. I used to cope by having some kind of craft project on the go so I'd put all my energy into that and mostly zone her out. Then I caught her out bitching about my amazing DH to one of her friends and saw the light about who is important in my life.

Put some boundaries in. Only you know how much spare time you have to waste on listening to this stuff. I've now got mine down to 3-4 visits a year and a weekly phone call. The phone call has the advantage that I can do something else at the same time. But I've got a demanding full time job and children at primary school so very little spare time to waste on listening to negative opinions about others.

Still get lots of moaning about it (see username!) but I'm a lot happier! She doesn't seem any less happy than she was before.

Just start going once a week and if she doesn’t like it, tell her you’re very busy. Don’t let her bully you, older people can be very selfish.
On a practical level, could you take her to the cinema so she won’t be able to moan?