Page 2 | Father won’t accept they need help

NetZeroZealot · 2025-03-15T23:03:05+00:00

Dad is a frail 89. Mum is 85 much stronger but bad memory loss, getting worse. She looks after him, he can’t really be left alone for long. They have a lovely cleaner but I have been trying to persuade them to get extra help at home. Dad gets very angry at the suggestion. Yesterday Mum had a fall in the garden & couldn’t get up. Luckily cleaner was there and saw out the window. Mum taken by ambulance to A&E. Luckily she was Ok. DH stayed with Dad. Could have been so much worse. she now accepts they need help. But because the outcome was ok Dad still gets very angry at the suggestion of help. Money is not an issue. im at my wits end. The need for help is becoming increasingly frequent and I live an hour away & have a busy job & life. I don’t know what to do.

DenholmElliot11 · 16/03/2025 07:25

If he won't accept help theres not a lot you can do.

The trick is not to bail them out in an emergency. It's only when you actually allow an emergency to befall them and for them to have to deal with it all by themselves that they finally sit up and listen. You have to actively let them fail. Going running and sorting everything out for them for free is them living the dream really isn't it? For you, not so much.

RosesAndHellebores · 16/03/2025 07:16

If they have capacity you are a bit stuffed.

MIL has a daily carer who goes in to cook her lunch and just check in. DH organised it and has let her think it's state provided but he pays for it. Is that an option?

He hasn't lied. There was an episode when she put a silver container in the microwave, it blew and she went to report it at the police station and they reported her to social services. DH simply told her that SS felt a carer was appropriate and we have never disabused her of the fact SS doesn't provide the carer. She would never spend a penny.

She's almost 89 and has Parkinsons.

Original poster

NetZeroZealot · 16/03/2025 07:06

unsync · 16/03/2025 06:52

It sounds as if a carer PA might be required - someone who can help with life admin and organising stuff. It's a gradual process getting them to accept help, I worked on my parents for 2-3 years before they really needed it. It's hard to get the parent / child relationship to shift onto an adult : adult basis. You have to re-frame the help so that it doesn't feel like a loss of independence / power. If you know your father, you'll know which angle to use. Can you try that your mother needs a bit more help after the fall and introduce someone new as helping the cleaner and ease them in that way?

I have tried framing it this way.
He just says they don’t need the help yet and doesn’t want to pay for it unless he had to.
They have plenty of money.

OP posts:

Original poster

NetZeroZealot · 16/03/2025 07:04

Same here. Dad has a pendant. He only wears it if Mum goes out & then it needs to be physically placed around his neck & Mum usually forgets.
He complained yesterday that the cost had gone up.
i said, well it’s a lot of money for something you don’t use!

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Cyclistmumgrandma · 16/03/2025 07:01

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 16/03/2025 06:51

Do they have bracelets or pendants with something to press in an emergency when they can't get to the phone? My Mum's council provides these and a base unit connected to the landline, for a small monthly fee. It was useful when my Dad fell in the house a couple of times towards the end of his life and Mum couldn't lift him.

We persuaded my mum to get one of these, she regularly "forgot" to wear it.

unsync · 16/03/2025 06:52

It sounds as if a carer PA might be required - someone who can help with life admin and organising stuff. It's a gradual process getting them to accept help, I worked on my parents for 2-3 years before they really needed it. It's hard to get the parent / child relationship to shift onto an adult : adult basis. You have to re-frame the help so that it doesn't feel like a loss of independence / power. If you know your father, you'll know which angle to use. Can you try that your mother needs a bit more help after the fall and introduce someone new as helping the cleaner and ease them in that way?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 16/03/2025 06:51

Do they have bracelets or pendants with something to press in an emergency when they can't get to the phone? My Mum's council provides these and a base unit connected to the landline, for a small monthly fee. It was useful when my Dad fell in the house a couple of times towards the end of his life and Mum couldn't lift him.

Original poster

NetZeroZealot · 16/03/2025 06:33

I have got PoA but don’t want to do anything they don’t agree to.
Mum now accepts that extra help is a good idea, Dad just gets very angry when I bring it up.

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Original poster

NetZeroZealot · 16/03/2025 06:28

I chucked away about £30 worth of food that had gone well past its use by date.
They only buy expensive ready meals, soup etc.
My Dad does not always take his meds & Mum forgets to remind him.
They are both always losing things. Often bank cards which they then cancel then they find the old one. And can’t reactive the new one without my help. This has happened about 5 times in the last year.
The house is messy and covered in papers.
Need help with any paperwork.
Mum needs help organising private physio.
Dad shouldn’t drive but thinks he can.
But most importantly I want a sensible person around in case one of them has a fall again.

OP posts:

Mumof1andacat · 16/03/2025 04:31

What extra help do they need?

xmasdealhunter · 15/03/2025 23:18

My DF was the same. I ended up arranging a carer to come in once a week despite his reservations, and he very quickly got used to them being there at which point I could up the hours the carer was coming and have them come more and more often.